There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of breaking wind every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell would cause her eyes to water, as she would choke and gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to seek help. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor , but he wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was a natural bodily function, and then would laugh , as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
One Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, she went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, an idea occurred , as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs. Her husband was a very deep sleeper, and while he was still sound asleep, she pulled back the covers and gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs. Because she had warmed them, he didn't even stir.
About two hours, later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud morning farts. This was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom.
One Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, she went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, an idea occurred , as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs. Her husband was a very deep sleeper, and while he was still sound asleep, she pulled back the covers and gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs. Because she had warmed them, he didn't even stir.
About two hours, later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud morning farts. This was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom.
She couldn't control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After all these years, she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underwear, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underwear, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
16 comments:
Oh my God, that's just gross, Badgerbob.
HAHAHAHA!! Thats funny but kinda gross!!
Thanks! That's what I was going for.
Just when I think you can't say anything ickier, you do. Well done.
If the wife was so clever, why didn't she just rip his guts out of his ass for real? Then she still would have been able to make giblet gravy.
Now, she's stuck with a husband who's ass is going to smell like rotting turkey innards plus the familiar stench of old man flatus.
Blue, thanks. I do try!
morb, note to self . Never, under any circumstances, accept dinner invitation to morbid's house. Giblet gravey will never cross these gums.
I just assumed badgers wouldn't be afraid to eat guts. Especially since a favorite food of many badgers is the earthworm. I mean, I'd rather eat gravy than worms; of course I'll probably just end up eating a turkey Lunchable and drinking till I pass out. Happy Thanksgiving!
Only two fingers?
Hummm
Happy Thanksgiving.......
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and a special thanks to the guy in the minivan for providing a tasty meal for my badger familia, by running down an innocent skunk.
Roadkill anyone?
You get roadkill? Lucky!
Happy Thanksgiving, Badgerbob. Do you stuff the skunk with wombatmeat stuffing before you cook it?
Nym, no we will stuff him in a different manner. :)
The head was flattened, but the body retained it's shape nicely.
Have you ever heard of necrophelia?
Morb, lunchables turkey packets are nothing to scoff at. You get a fine blend of additives and preservatives to help balance out the oaky, blackpepper, and currant overtones, in a frugally thought out wine selection.
I got your site via NYM and I have to say you are really one sick individual...I like that :)
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