Friday, September 30, 2005
Sexual Hangups
As the weekend is almost upon us, I think today would be a good day for us to focus on overcoming sexual hangups, so that all can enjoy the coming weekend without any inhibitions. When I become president, I promise to abolish sexual hangups and promote a free love society.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
The Day After Hump Day
It's time for the lurkers to come into the light and ask Bob! Marriage Counselling, dating advice, christmas shopping, sexual hangups, whatever. Bring it on! Questions regarding leprosy will be directed to Willow's site. Disclaimer-I take no responsibility for anything I say or do, because I believe that it would hurt my credibility, for someday becoming your President.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Advice
Due to the overwhelming volume of e-mail, since last weekend,(Okay,One person. But it's a start!), the sneaky badger has decided to put his worldly lack of knowledge about women to good use. This week will be spent offering relationship advice to any who ask? Jokes will resume next week, unless I am horribly mutilated by someone who seeks me out, due to bad advice. As per usual, except when I am working, I take no responsibility for anything I say or do.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
The New pet
A lady was in a pet shop one day, when she spotted a parrot, and fell in love with it immediately. She went to the shop owner and told him that she'd like to buy the bird. He said he would sell it to her, but he warned her that the bird had been raised up, from a chick, by a woman in a brothel, and had picked up some foul language. The woman said that she had to have the bird, and her kids were old enough to tolerate any bad language. So she purchased the bird and took it home and put it in the family room. When she took the cover off of the cage, the parrot gave a squawk, and said," Wow, how about this! A new brothel and a new madame!"
" I'm not a madame, and this is not a brothel!" the woman exclaimed, but she laughed to herself.
A couple of hours later, her two daughters arrived home. While they were checking out their new pet, he squawked again.
" Wow, how about this! A new brothel, a new madame, and two new whores!"
The girls were shocked, but at the same time, they thought a talking parrot was very cool.
Later that evening, the woman's husband came home. As he walked through the door, the parrot recognized him immediately, and said,"Wow, how about this! A new brothel, a new madame, two new whores, and the same old customer. How ya doin Tony?
" I'm not a madame, and this is not a brothel!" the woman exclaimed, but she laughed to herself.
A couple of hours later, her two daughters arrived home. While they were checking out their new pet, he squawked again.
" Wow, how about this! A new brothel, a new madame, and two new whores!"
The girls were shocked, but at the same time, they thought a talking parrot was very cool.
Later that evening, the woman's husband came home. As he walked through the door, the parrot recognized him immediately, and said,"Wow, how about this! A new brothel, a new madame, two new whores, and the same old customer. How ya doin Tony?
Friday, September 23, 2005
The Little Guy
A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking,and minding his own business when all of a sudden a great big guy came in and --WHACK!! -- knocked him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''
The little guy said ''What the fuck,'' but when he turned and saw how big the guy was, he decided to let it go. So he got back up on his stool and started drinking again.
All of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocked him down AGAIN and said, ''That was a judo chop from Japan.''
The little guy thought to himself," I've had had enough of this". He got up, brushed himself off and quietly left. He returned about an hour later, and saw that the big guy was still there.. Without saying a word, he walked up behind the big guy and --Whack!!!-- nailed him in the back of the head. The big guy hit the floor like a ton of bricks!!!
The little guy looked at the bartender and said, ''When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.''
The little guy said ''What the fuck,'' but when he turned and saw how big the guy was, he decided to let it go. So he got back up on his stool and started drinking again.
All of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocked him down AGAIN and said, ''That was a judo chop from Japan.''
The little guy thought to himself," I've had had enough of this". He got up, brushed himself off and quietly left. He returned about an hour later, and saw that the big guy was still there.. Without saying a word, he walked up behind the big guy and --Whack!!!-- nailed him in the back of the head. The big guy hit the floor like a ton of bricks!!!
The little guy looked at the bartender and said, ''When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.''
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Athletes
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he walked up to the gate and said, "Johnson, pole vaulting," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer throw." He was also admitted.
The Irishman searched the site for over an hour and, was about ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he walked up to the gate and said, "Johnson, pole vaulting," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer throw." He was also admitted.
The Irishman searched the site for over an hour and, was about ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The Actor
An out of work actor got a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" said the agent.
"That's great, what is it?"
"Well it's a one line role in a play."
"That's great" replied the actor, "I've been out of work for so long, that I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"Hark !I hear the cannons roar" .
"Hark! I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questioned.
"Yes", confirmed the agent.
"When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" .Wednesday comes and the actor arrived at the audition. He marched onto the stage and shouted, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" said the director, "you've got the job, be here at 6 o'clock on Saturday night".The actor was so happy that he headed straight to his favorite bar and went on a major bender. He drank for two days and finally collapsed.
He woke up at 5:30 on Saturday , and in a panic, took off to the theatre, continuously repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar. He arrived at the stage entrance, out of breath, and was stopped by the security guard.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked.
"I'm here to perform in the play."
"You're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So he ran to make up, repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar.
"Who the hell are you" asked the makeup girl."The play has already started"
"I'm here to perform in the play"
"You're late, sit down here." She applied the makeup and gave him his costume. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he raced down to the stage, continually repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar."
The stage manager was pacing back and forth, and when he saw the actor, he yelled,"Where the fuck have you been? Get out there! Your cue is coming any second now."
The actor rushed onstage, and BANG! A loud explosion went off right behind him.
Caught off guard, he turned and screamed, "HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!!!"
"That's great, what is it?"
"Well it's a one line role in a play."
"That's great" replied the actor, "I've been out of work for so long, that I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"Hark !I hear the cannons roar" .
"Hark! I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questioned.
"Yes", confirmed the agent.
"When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" .Wednesday comes and the actor arrived at the audition. He marched onto the stage and shouted, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" said the director, "you've got the job, be here at 6 o'clock on Saturday night".The actor was so happy that he headed straight to his favorite bar and went on a major bender. He drank for two days and finally collapsed.
He woke up at 5:30 on Saturday , and in a panic, took off to the theatre, continuously repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar. He arrived at the stage entrance, out of breath, and was stopped by the security guard.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked.
"I'm here to perform in the play."
"You're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So he ran to make up, repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar.
"Who the hell are you" asked the makeup girl."The play has already started"
"I'm here to perform in the play"
"You're late, sit down here." She applied the makeup and gave him his costume. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he raced down to the stage, continually repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar."
The stage manager was pacing back and forth, and when he saw the actor, he yelled,"Where the fuck have you been? Get out there! Your cue is coming any second now."
The actor rushed onstage, and BANG! A loud explosion went off right behind him.
Caught off guard, he turned and screamed, "HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!!!"
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Thanksgiving
One day a little boy was sitting at home waiting for Grandma and Grandpa to arrive for Thanksgiving. He decided to go see what his mom was doing . As he walked into the kitchen , his mom yelled“Fuck!”
“Mommy what does that mean?”
Mom , who was having a stressful day, could only think to say …”Umm it mean carving the turkey”
“Oh okay” said the little boy and he left. He decided see what his dad was doing so he went upstairs to the bathroom and as just as he walked in, his dad yelled “shit”
“Daddy .. what does that mean?”
Dad, caught off guard, said, “Umm … it means shaving cream”
“Okay” said the boy . That wasn't very interesting, so he decided to go see what his brother was doing. He walked into the bedroom where his brother was watching TV and heard him say “Oh yeah baby! Tits and Ass!”
"Hey! What does that mean?”
“Uh oh! It means,umm .. coats and hats”
The boy said,“okay, see ya”. He was heading back downstairs, when he heard his sister's voice. When he walked into her room, she was on the phone . Not noticing that her little brother was there, she said,“that asshole and his bitch!”
Surprising her, he asked“Who are you talking about?”
Annoyed, and not thinking he would understand, she replied,“umm grandma and grandpa”
Suddenly, the door bell rang … it was probably grandma and grandpa.
Thelittle boy raced down the stairs, excited to see them. He flung open the door and said:
“Hi Asshole and Bitch! May I take your tits and ass? Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey, and dad is in the bathroom smearing shit all over his face!”
“Mommy what does that mean?”
Mom , who was having a stressful day, could only think to say …”Umm it mean carving the turkey”
“Oh okay” said the little boy and he left. He decided see what his dad was doing so he went upstairs to the bathroom and as just as he walked in, his dad yelled “shit”
“Daddy .. what does that mean?”
Dad, caught off guard, said, “Umm … it means shaving cream”
“Okay” said the boy . That wasn't very interesting, so he decided to go see what his brother was doing. He walked into the bedroom where his brother was watching TV and heard him say “Oh yeah baby! Tits and Ass!”
"Hey! What does that mean?”
“Uh oh! It means,umm .. coats and hats”
The boy said,“okay, see ya”. He was heading back downstairs, when he heard his sister's voice. When he walked into her room, she was on the phone . Not noticing that her little brother was there, she said,“that asshole and his bitch!”
Surprising her, he asked“Who are you talking about?”
Annoyed, and not thinking he would understand, she replied,“umm grandma and grandpa”
Suddenly, the door bell rang … it was probably grandma and grandpa.
Thelittle boy raced down the stairs, excited to see them. He flung open the door and said:
“Hi Asshole and Bitch! May I take your tits and ass? Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey, and dad is in the bathroom smearing shit all over his face!”
Monday, September 19, 2005
The Deer Hunter
An outdoorsman decided to take his wife with him on a hunting trip. He chose a guest ranch in the country, and they set off on their adventure. The next morning, they were taken by a guide to their designated hunting area. After they got to their deer stands, the husband explained to his wife the etiquette of deer hunting .
"If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever claims it."
The wife nodded, and he set off to his stand ,about two hundred yards away. About twenty minutes passed, and he began to wonder if she was okay. Suddenly he heard his wife blasting away from her tree stand. He counted one...two...three,shots and thought to himself, 'this is great, she got a deer". A moment later he heard someone shouting and swearing and rushed over to see what was wrong. He crashed through the bushes and as he broke into the clearing, he found her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who had his hands up, and was shouting, "OK, lady, OK! Stop shooting! You can have the deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"
"If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever claims it."
The wife nodded, and he set off to his stand ,about two hundred yards away. About twenty minutes passed, and he began to wonder if she was okay. Suddenly he heard his wife blasting away from her tree stand. He counted one...two...three,shots and thought to himself, 'this is great, she got a deer". A moment later he heard someone shouting and swearing and rushed over to see what was wrong. He crashed through the bushes and as he broke into the clearing, he found her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who had his hands up, and was shouting, "OK, lady, OK! Stop shooting! You can have the deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"
Sunday, September 18, 2005
The Stop Sign
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was being pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head,and said, "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man began to get belligerent, and said, "Stop!slow down! -- what's the difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "here, let me can show you. I'm going to start beating you over the head, with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head,and said, "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man began to get belligerent, and said, "Stop!slow down! -- what's the difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "here, let me can show you. I'm going to start beating you over the head, with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
The Nun
One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticed that she was quite well built, and began asking her about her life and vows, and finally got around to asking her if she would ever consider having sex. After she had thought about it for a while the nun replied, in a husky voice "Well, yes! I would have sex with a man, if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday."
The cab driver thought for a moment and said, "I have to confess. I am that guy. I have no kids, have never been married and I go to church every Sunday!"
She asked him about this , and he told her that he just hadn't met the right person yet. Then, he looked at her, smiled, and said ,"until now."
He decided to go for it, and asked her if she would have sex with him. She agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So he pulled over, climbed into the back, and had sex with her.
After the deed was done, the cab driver said " I have a confession to make. I lied. I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And he began to laugh.
The nun started laughing also, took off a latex mask, saw the horrified look on the cabbie's face, and said,"fuck you! Asshole.Ha ha ha. I lied also.
I'm a man going to a costume party!"
The cab driver thought for a moment and said, "I have to confess. I am that guy. I have no kids, have never been married and I go to church every Sunday!"
She asked him about this , and he told her that he just hadn't met the right person yet. Then, he looked at her, smiled, and said ,"until now."
He decided to go for it, and asked her if she would have sex with him. She agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So he pulled over, climbed into the back, and had sex with her.
After the deed was done, the cab driver said " I have a confession to make. I lied. I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And he began to laugh.
The nun started laughing also, took off a latex mask, saw the horrified look on the cabbie's face, and said,"fuck you! Asshole.Ha ha ha. I lied also.
I'm a man going to a costume party!"
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Adam and Eve
God was just about done creating Adam and Eve, and had two things left in his bag. He couldn't quite decide on who should get what, so he decided to ask them about it. He told them one of the things he had left was a thing-a-ma-bob, that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give it to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited schoolboy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it . So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started peeing everywhere. First he peed on the side of a rock. Then he spelled his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -- laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement, and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the other thing I have left. "
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give it to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited schoolboy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it . So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started peeing everywhere. First he peed on the side of a rock. Then he spelled his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -- laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement, and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the other thing I have left. "
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God
Willow's Words
Over the past few months, I have constantly harassed the muppets who leave comments on Willow's site. Willow calls it badgering???
Willow is unable to post today, due to her duties at the leper colony, and has given me an ultimatum to either write something for that site, or face the consequences. Anyone interested in reading this can check it out by clicking on the link in the links area.
Jokes will resume tomorrow.
Willow is unable to post today, due to her duties at the leper colony, and has given me an ultimatum to either write something for that site, or face the consequences. Anyone interested in reading this can check it out by clicking on the link in the links area.
Jokes will resume tomorrow.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Shit
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You
don't know Shit".
Now, You can handle the situation.
Awe Shit,who owned a fertilizer company , married O. Shit, the owner of
Knee-deep Shit, Inc.
They had a son named Jack.
In turn, Jack Shit married Noe Shit and they produced 6 children: Holie Shit, Fulla Shit, Giva Shit, Bull Shit ,who became a high shcool dropout, and a set of twins named, Deep Shit and Dip Shit. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Shit-Sherlock.
Dip Shit married Loda Shit and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Shit.
Fulla Shit and Giva Shit were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The Shit-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
BullShit, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from France with his new bride, Pisa Shit.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Shit, you can say,
"Sure I do"
don't know Shit".
Now, You can handle the situation.
Awe Shit,who owned a fertilizer company , married O. Shit, the owner of
Knee-deep Shit, Inc.
They had a son named Jack.
In turn, Jack Shit married Noe Shit and they produced 6 children: Holie Shit, Fulla Shit, Giva Shit, Bull Shit ,who became a high shcool dropout, and a set of twins named, Deep Shit and Dip Shit. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Shit-Sherlock.
Dip Shit married Loda Shit and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Shit.
Fulla Shit and Giva Shit were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The Shit-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
BullShit, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from France with his new bride, Pisa Shit.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Shit, you can say,
"Sure I do"
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Hunting Season
STATE OF NEW YORK - ATTORNEY SEASONS AND BAG LIMITS
1. Any person with a valid State Of New York hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. Season is open 365 days per year.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, RABIES, and VERMIN.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder- 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor- 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator- 4
Big-mouthed Pub Gut- 2
Honest Attorney- 0 (FACING EXTINCTION)
Cut-throat- 2
Back-stabbing Whiner- 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser- 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender- no limit plus a $100 bounty for each one.
1. Any person with a valid State Of New York hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. Season is open 365 days per year.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, RABIES, and VERMIN.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder- 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor- 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator- 4
Big-mouthed Pub Gut- 2
Honest Attorney- 0 (FACING EXTINCTION)
Cut-throat- 2
Back-stabbing Whiner- 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser- 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender- no limit plus a $100 bounty for each one.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Bats
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.He told them to go away and let him sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that really large oak tree over there?" he asked
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that really large oak tree over there?" he asked
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
Monday, September 05, 2005
Husbands
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Grapes
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"The bartender, puzzled, said no.The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"The bartender, puzzled, said no.The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Sheep
A lawyer from New York moved to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several days , he realized that he hadn't seen any women. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.""That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer couldn't stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest ewe of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took her to bed.After he finished, he decided to take his new love out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the ewe under his arm.
The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrates. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along.
I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy.
"That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
After about 3 months the lawyer couldn't stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest ewe of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took her to bed.After he finished, he decided to take his new love out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the ewe under his arm.
The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrates. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along.
I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy.
"That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
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