The Meaning Of Easter

One Easter morning, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if they knew the origins of this, special day. One young man responded immediately, "It's opening day for the Yankees and Giants."
Not wishing to stifle creative thinking, the teacher responded, "What a wonderful answer! But I had something else in mind."
A young girl then stood and remarked, "That's the day we get nice new clothes and go find the eggs from the Easter Bunny.
"That's right," said the teacher. "But there's something else just a little more important.
A young man then jumped up and yelled, "I know, I know!! After Jesus died on the cross, some of his friends buried him in a tomb they called a sepulcher."
The teacher thought, "I don't believe it, someone actually knows."
The little boy continued, "And three days later Jesus arose and opened the door of the tomb and stepped out."
"Yes, yes!" said the teacher. "Go on, go on!"
And the youngster said, "And if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of bad weather

Taking A Walk

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

Doctors

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me."
The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you ...she's dead."

The Athiest

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run
even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!" ;> Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of
these years, told others I didn't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen"

Setting The Record Straight

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
"The old woman looked up at her and said, ' Young lady, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.

Gay Teddy

Gay Teddy goes into the doctor's office and has some tests
run. The doctor comes back and says, "Teddy, I am not going
to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Teddy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of
spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a
gallon of prune juice."
Teddy asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."

Cape Breton Sobriety Test

One day, a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman pulled a car over on the Trans Canada Highway . When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to North Sydney to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus, and didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie then said that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked the magician if he would juggle them. The juggler stated that he would, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a truck pulled in behind the patrol car. A Cape Bretoner, drunk, and driving home from the local tavern got out and watched the performance . He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door, and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this, went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the guy what the hell he thought he was doing.
The guy replied, "You might as well take me right to jail, cause there's no f*ckin` way I can pass that test."

Coincidence?

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar, next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying for years, to have a child, and today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all of my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Reverse Immigration

This guy is definately thinking outside of the triangle.

Enter Mexico illegally.
Ignore immigration quotas, visas, international law, and all that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand that the federal government provide retirement benefits for your elderly parents.
Procreate abundantly.
Demand that the Mexican school system provide schooling for all your children.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do the same.
Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Deflect any criticism of this irresponsible behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop; proudly display it in your front window and on your car bumper.
Demand a local Mexican driver's license and then use your new Mexican driver's license to apply for other legal rights and to legitimize your illegal presence in Mexico.
Demand that the Mexican driver's license be acceptable documentation for voter's registration.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Insist that you should not have to pay taxes, because you are not a Mexican citizen and are only there "temporarily."
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time, or soon be dead.
It will never happen. It will not happen in Mexico or any other country in the world.
The only place this happens is right here... in the land of the gullible and the home of the naively stupid.

Jack And Jill

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."
Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will!!"

The Hot Seat

In a recent interview, forced upon me by a rabid female fan, wielding a rusty beer can, I had to endure a barrage of questions, and was coerced into posting my responses. Fortunately for me, Willow can no longer read,....but a promise is a promise.

Q. What's the fastest way to a badger's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why do men always want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes a dog chase a car they have no intention of driving.

Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.

Bonus Question

Q. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A. No one is tall enough to go on the rides.

Two Cows

DEMOCRAT - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST -You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST -You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION -You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you can not touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION -You have two cows. They go in hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

FLORIDA CORPORATION-You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION -You have millions of cows. Most are illegals.

Priceless

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman drove across a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side, lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
The woman replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah?" said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."





Traffic Ticket $ 95.00
Court Costs $ 45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

World History As It Really Happened

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer, and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals; and 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals toB-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting, to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals were symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, andFrench food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained inEurope when the conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created the business idea of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.