A Schitty Post

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced theSchitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt

Fishing With Grandpa

One day, Little Johnny and his grandfather had gone fishing. After a while grandpa got thirsty and opened up his cooler for a beer.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa can I have a beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa grunted back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough!" Grandpa then took out a cigarette and lit up. Little Johnny saw this and asked for one too."
Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" growled grandpa .
"No"
"Well, than your still not big enough"
Little Johnny got upset and pulled out some cookies, that his grandma had packed him.
His grandfather noticed this and said, "Hey kid, those cookies look pretty good. Can I have one?" Little Johnny replied, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looked at Johnny and laughed. "Well of course I can. I'm big enough."
Little Johnny shouted, "Well, then go fuck yourself! These are my cookies"

A Stinking Holiday

DES MOINES, Iowa - It was a stinky holiday for Robert Schoff.
The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.
"It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," Schoff said Tuesday. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had.
Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog,(big turd) but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.
The 5-foot-5-inch, 135-pound Schoff hollered and screamed for help, but it was an hour before his wife, Toni, walked by a window and saw his feet in the air.
"I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out," Toni Schoff said.
She called 911 and two Polk County sheriff's deputies yanked her husband out of the tank.
"I thought it was the end of my life," Schoff said. "Thank God my wife saw me. I don't think I could have stood staying in there much more."

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Las Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a
conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much
do you charge?"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give
it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is
sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed,
he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that
casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth
every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign
me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than
before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his
money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings
for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the
hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to
show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas
is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces,
and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No", the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Ghosts

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his system extremely upset.
Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he
decided the latest was another and stayed put. Unfortunately
for him, this wasn't a false alarm and he soiled his bed
linens terribly.
He was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his
feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up
and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat
the shit out of a ghost!"

Murphy's Law

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

Boating

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'
The old woman fainted .

A Tale Of Two Willies

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.
The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Newfoundlander got the job

Lawyers Part VIII

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Heart Attacks

Late, one morning, a married fellow comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," she cries .
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!!!" says the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack, and all you do, is run around the house naked, scaring the kids!"

Parrots Part IV

One day, a lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot, on display, spoke up and said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
The lady was at first shocked, and then became furious, but continued on her way.
On the way back home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
She was so angry and incredibly annoyed, that she went into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue the store, and have the bird killed.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."

Hillbillies Part V

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone.
After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move.
One evening,while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house.
He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.
The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him.
The man quickly accepted the offer and was relived to finally have some company.
Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking."
The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do some drinking."
The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting."
The man said, " that's OK too, and like to do a little fighting."
Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some sex."
The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?"
The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?"
The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."

Milk

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing!
He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!"

Name Change

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honour."

A Vaseline survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Smelling Wood

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at
the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his
office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood
in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager
decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the
blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it
around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I
know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom
door off a tuna boat!"

A Tale Of Two Spiders

One day, a father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled, as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He saw that she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked."
They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Long-legs," her father answered.
"Well, is the other one a Mommy Long-legs?
He laughed to himself at such a cute and innocent question, then replied "No dear. Both of them are DaddyLong-legs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment. Then she took her foot and stomped them flat, and said,
"Well, we're not having Any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.

Another Mining Disaster

XINTAI, China (Reuters) - More than 180 coal miners were trapped underground and feared dead in eastern China on Saturday after a rain-swollen river burst a levee and flooded two separate shafts, the latest blow to the world's deadliest mining industry.

The trapped miners had only a "slim chance" of survival, Wang Ziqi, director of the Shandong coal mine safety administration, told Xinhua.
"Nobody came up today, so everyone is waiting," a Xintai resident told Reuters by telephone. "It doesn't look good."
President Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao urged local officials to spare no effort to reach the trapped miners as soon as possible.
The scene of weary emergency workers and anxious relatives echoed a mine accident in the United States, which has a much cleaner safety record but where three people have died trying to save six miners trapped in a Utah coal mine.

Mining is risky worldwide, but China's coal industry is deadlier than any other country's, with about 2,163 coal miners killed in 1,320 accidents in the first seven months of the year.

It was not known at what level most of the miners were trapped, (Seems to be a reoccuring theme), but 14 were 30 metres (100 feet) underground, according to Xinhua.


China relies on coal for most of its energy needs.
Last year, 4,746 people were killed in thousands of blasts, floods and other mining accidents. While this year's record had been improving, the level is far worse than in other major coal-producing nations.
The U.S. Department of Labor, for instance, had recorded 14 coal mine deaths as of August 10 this year. Chinese officials estimate that China now suffers 1.485 mine deaths for every million tonnes of coal produced, compared with about 0.04 U.S. deaths for every million tonnes that country produced in 2005.

Time Change

Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a stolen car, heading east towards Georgia on I-90.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately.
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"
"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge.
"He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

A Real Fucking Tradgedy

Efforts to free Utah coal miners continueThe Associated PressPublished: August 14, 2007


HUNTINGTON, Utah: Rescuers are running out of options to rescue six Utah coal miners trapped by a cave-in nearly 10 days ago, and experts are giving long odds against finding the men alive.
As crews slowly dig a path to the men's presumed location at the Crandall Canyon mine, narrow drill holes sunk deep into the mountain amount to little more than educated guesses. The men could be huddled together or spread out anywhere in a huge underground area.
That is if they survived at all, experts say. The Aug. 6 cave-in released low-oxygen air from sealed chambers into the working area of the mine. And downward pressure on the walls sent chunks of coal flying like bullets through the shaft.
"There's always a chance. You have to hang on to that chance. But realistically it is small, quite small," said J. Davitt McAteer, former head of the Mine Safety and Health Administration and now vice president of Wheeling Jesuit University in West Virginia. "You would have to have every single break and divine intervention to successfully extract these guys."
Two holes drilled into the mine have not located them, and a third drill broke through Wednesday into an area where officials say the men MAY have sought refuge after the collapse. But rescuers were unable to get a microphone into the void that could pick up sounds of life. They planned to try again.



Approx. 35% of all manufactured items, use raw materials that come from mining.The US Bureau of Labor Statistics estimates that 675,000 are employed in the natural resources and mining sector. China employs over 12 million, and reported 6000 deaths last year, but independant observers report that the figure is closer to 20,000 dead.

So, why is the following technology, not made mandatory for all miners to have a better chance for survival, in the event of an accident?


Recent Mine-1-1 Satellite Simulcast Demonstration to Mine Safety and Health Administration RepresentativesTuesday May 29, 9:30 am ET
VANCOUVER, BC--(MARKET WIRE)--May 29, 2007 -- iPackets International, Inc. ("iPackets" or "Company") (Other OTC:IPKL.PK - News), a developer and provider of wireless communications software and equipment for the mine-safety industry, confirmed today that the recent successful Mine-1-1 underground demonstration was viewed live, via a satellite simulcast, by representatives of the Mine Safety and Health Administration ("MSHA").

MSHA is part of the U.S. Department of Labor and its mission is to administer the provisions of the Federal Mine Safety and Health Act of 1977, and to enforce compliance with mandatory safety and health standards as a means to eliminate fatal accidents; to reduce the frequency and severity of nonfatal accidents; to minimize health hazards; and to promote improved safety and health conditions in the Nation's mines.
Utilizing the satellite uplink capability of the MobileNet(TM) product, a component of the Mine-1-1 offering, the demonstration was simultaneously transmitted live from a coal mine to the National Mine Health and Safety Academy offices in Beckley, West Virginia. MSHA representatives, in the Beckley office, viewed the underground movement of the miners and the capability of real-time messaging.

Hugh McDavid, President of Mainline Communications, Inc., who was present at the remote demonstration, said, "Not only did the demonstration show definitively that the Mine-1-1 solution provides real-time tracking and monitoring of miners as they move about the mine, as well as two-way voice and data communication with the miners, the remote viewing of the demo showcased the unparalleled flexibility of the system. Nothing else on the market compares with this technology."
"This was a home run! The Mine-1-1 solution was very adaptable to the environment that it was deployed in and performed great," stated Miner Lawrence, Director of Project Management and Advanced Solution Systems for AFL Network Services. "Within a few hours we deployed the wireless network, monitored the team below ground, and demonstrated other advanced services over the network without any problems."
Mr. Lawrence also stated that it was a great team effort. "I'm very proud to be a part of something that will assist with making a safer work environment for the mine workers. It's amazing when you stop to think about everything that took place -- you can see the excitement in the faces of the mine workers standing there.

I wonder why the Press makes no mention of this technology?

Camels

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,
'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said:
'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'

Screwing

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.
The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband.
He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

Feeling Like A Woman

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passed through a severe thunderstorm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse, when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman in particular lost her composure.
She began screaming, and stood up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wailed. Then she yelled, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there was complete silence. Everyone forgot the storm and the imminent danger. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Finally, a man stood up in the rear ofthe plane.
He was gorgeous: tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes. He began to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.............One button at a time..........No one moved..........Everyone was transfixed..........He removed his shirt..........Muscles ripple across his chest..........She gasped...............He stood in front of her.......
"Here ya go luv - iron this, and then go fetch me another beer...."

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't legally defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

The Pope

On a tour of Normandy, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a French soccer jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing English soccer tops roared into view from around the point.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Frenchman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some separatist people trying to divide France and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who the hell was that guy???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope.
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he doesn't know shit about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up anyway?"

A Mother's Love

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout .. and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and said “Thank you”.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"It can't be that much ! I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied "Yes, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

The Healing Power Of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head".

Stupid People Part XXVI

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of dry food and was standing in the line at the register.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that, No...., I was starting a Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
The lady was flabbergasted, gave me an incredibly evil look , and stormed out of the shop, while the guy behind her looked like he was having a heart attack, from laughing so hard .
Stupid lady..........why else would I buy dog food???

Lawyers Part XVII

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where
is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can
interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my
damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars
is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what
you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He
doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my
damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants
to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The
money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have
the guts to pull the trigger."

Freak Of Nature??

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he cain't communicate with me!"

Be On The Alert!

There has been a stinky badger sighting in the Maritimes. An alert has gone out since the family cat disappeared and a big pile of poop (the Sneaky Badger calling card) was left at the scene. Anyone who has seen this hideous creature should load their shotgun and blow his badger ass to smithereens.




The crooked Badger with his buddy, "Stick."

Guest Post

On my way across the street to get suppplies for my fishing expedition, I tripped over a body, lying in the gutter. To my surprise and horror, up popped Willow, who then proceeded to spew a string of profanity at me, that a muleskinner would be proud of. After a brief moment of my having to dodge a barrage of lugies, Willow calmed down and invited me for tea.
I decided to throw caution to the wind, and invited Willow to guest post on my blog.
Needing no further introduction................

The Answer To That Age Old Question

Great Expectations

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, and see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they enter, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built, only to prove, that there is no way to please a woman."

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming .
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond , as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard shouting and laughter . He got closer and saw that it was a bunch of young women, who were skinny-dipping .
When he made the women aware of his presence, they shrieked, and swam to the deep end.
One of the women shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked in my pond, or to see you naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said , "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Thumb-Suckers

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom, in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, "Boy, what a hypocrate. She gets mad at me for just sucking my thumb"

Running

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me and run through the forest. You'll see you'll feel much better."
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then, they came across an elephant doing cocaine.
So, the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you so this? Think about your health. come running with us through the pretty forest. You'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
So, the rabbit again says, "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! come running with us through the sunny forest. You'll see, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down the needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little bastard makes me run around the forest like an idiot, everytime he's on ecstacy!"

A Sportsman's Double

I met an 'older' woman at a club last night. She was okay...for 57. We drank a bit, danced a bit, and then she purred, 'Have you ever had the 'Sportsman's Double,' a mother and daughter threesome?
I said, 'No.' We drank a bit more, then she said, 'Tonight may be your lucky night!
I went back to her place.
As we walked through the front door of her house, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

Cry Of Distress

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre , in obvious distress.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'

Female Hormones And Beer

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

Drawing The Line

A guy and girl meet at a Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end, decide to go back to his place . Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed, and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.
The guy struts in, whips off his clothes, but stops with just his shorts left. He reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? .... Are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and grins.
She smiles, her eyes now wide, and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw the line somewhere baby".

Cows

An Alberta cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy "If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You work for the Canadian Government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a flock of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."

BBQ

One morning, a woman was standing in front of her bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit. She posed this way and that.
Her husband, looking on with disinterest, remarked; "your butt is the size of a 3-burner barbeque!"
Later that evening, tucked away cozy in bed, he leaned over, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked hopefully; "How about it?"
She replied,"It's hardly worth lighting the Barby for half a sausage now, is it?"

Boob Jobs

One day, a woman says to her husband, that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."

Control

There were three guys talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She told me to, get out from under the bed, and fight like a man.

Holy Matrimony!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted .
'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvre s that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Ok.
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. SHUT THE HELL UP! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and...they lived happily ever after.

Blonde? Or Hillbilly?

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
Impotent -- Distinguished
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

A Bee At A Bar Mitzva

A hungry bee meets a fellow bee who directs the hungry one
to a Bar Mitzvah.
The hungry bee eats his fill, then again
meets his friend.
The second bee asks how it went, and hears that his friend
ate plenty.
The second bee then asks why the first bee is
wearing a yarmulke (the small round cap that religious Jews
often wear).
The first bee replies, "It was a Bar Mitzvah. I didn't want
anyone to think I was a WASP."

What Starts With F And Ends With K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Happy Mother's Day

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man when suddenly the Irishman says, it’s Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a Bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" asked Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, "Fuck off, I'm on Workers’ compensation.

Don't Mess With Badgers

A Pit bull decided he would intrude upon a badger family outing. But being both brave and stupid, he ultimately learned the hard way that he can't always win. Especially
with a badger named bob wielding a blow gun, with an endless supply of ammo, stolen from his friend Petey, while he was sleeping.

Working Construction

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and sees another man. down on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but the guy on the first floor can't understand him, so he decides to do sign language.
He points to his eye, meaning "I", points to his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he climbs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you? You dumbass! I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming."

Pregnancy

A woman went to the doctor's office where a young new doctor examined her. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out screaming, and ran down the hallway.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. He then marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you?!! Mrs. Smith is 62 years old. She has four grown children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!
"The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Snappy Comebacks

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day , concerning guns and children.
Here is a portion of the National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Meeting The Parents

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer, without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" Yelled the young woman's mother, to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here now, before he shits on you!"

Blondes PT.VII

One day, a blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. The nexyt morning, when the milkman read the note, he thought, there must be a mistake, and that she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So he knocked on her door to clarify the point.
When the blonde came to the door the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs.
I can always splash it in my eyes

Retards

Tongue Twister
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each linefrom the top.

Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask about reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who inquired as to her progress.
The poor lady exclaimed, "Oh, doctor, it was horrible! Just horrible!"
"Really? What happened? " asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped my clothes to shreds and took me then and there, on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"It was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show my face in that Starbucks again!"

The Virginia Tech Massacre (As Witnessed By A Gunshot Victim)

The gunman in the black leather jacket came into the classroom shooting and did not leave until everything was still, said Virginia Tech sophomore Derek O’Dell.
“He didn’t say anything; that’s the weirdest part,” said O’Dell, who was shot in the arm during Monday’s massacre at Virginia Tech. “No screaming, no yelling. He just shot people.”
O’Dell, a 2005 graduate of Cave Spring High School in Roanoke County, said he was in German class on the second floor of Norris Hall when he heard what he thought was a hammer banging on the wall of a nearby room.
Suddenly, the door swung open and the shooter, described as an Asian man wearing a jacket and a maroon baseball cap, mechanically opened fire, reloaded his handgun and then started shooting again, O’Dell said.
“He was very quick in reloading, so it looked like he’d been trained,” said the 20-year-old biological sciences student.
O’Dell said he crouched under his desk while some of his classmates, and possibly their professor, were shot around him.
“No one was really moving,” he said.
O’Dell estimated that 10 to 15 of the roughly 20 students in his class were shot. He did not know how many were killed.
At least 33 people were killed in Monday’s shootings at Norris Hall, a classroom building, and earlier at West Ambler Johnston Hall, a dormitory. Authorities had not identified the gunman late Monday night.
After the shooter left O’Dell’s classroom, O’Dell said that he and a man who appeared uninjured shut the door and barricaded it with their feet, fearing the gunman would return.
“We heard more gunshots down the hall and I realized I had been shot,” O’Dell said.
He said he wrapped his belt around the wound on his upper right arm to stop the bleeding.
As they held shut the wooden door, which did not have a lock, the shooter returned and tried to muscle inside, O’Dell said.
“He got the door open maybe an inch or two and then we were able to shut it again,” O’Dell recalled.
The man shot at the door from outside and then left, O’Dell said. More shots were fired outside the room, and the shooter came back again and tried the door. Again he shot at the door and walked away.
The shooter was found in Norris Hall after he killed himself, authorities said.
O’Dell said he was taken from the building after police arrived.
He was treated and released from Montgomery Regional Hospital.
O’Dell’s father, Roger O’Dell, said he heard about the ordeal after his sister-in-law left him a message between 9:30 and 10 a.m., and his son called from the hospital about 10:20 a.m.
Roger O’Dell said he did not know if anyone from Virginia Tech tried to contact him.
“I didn’t believe it at first,” Roger O’Dell said.
“And the magnitude ... I didn’t realize it at first.”

International Disadvantaged People's Day

In celebration of International Disadvantaged People's Day,
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus, or occasionally shit yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're fucking special.

A Scary Thought

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just
went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh shit! Am I driving?"

Think Your Day Is About To Turn Bad ?

Wrigley's

A Scotsman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Scotsman politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, tarted up a conversation.
The Englishman snapped his gum and said, "You Scots folk eat the whole bread?"
The Scot frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Englishman blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face.
The Scotsman listened in silence.
The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Scot replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell to Scotland."
The Scot then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Scotsman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Scots turn to smile. "We don't. In Scotland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

Six Shots Of Vodka

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.
The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
"What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
"Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

America's Smartest Woman

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die" So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The 2ND passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former US President, a NY State Senator, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said, "I am a US Senator, the Democratic party needs me, and my liver still has some good years left." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The 4Th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5Th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, so as a Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you.
America's smartest woman just jumped out of the plane with my school backpack."

The Good News

A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,
"I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,
"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient says, "Yes."
The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"

The Meaning Of Easter

One Easter morning, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if they knew the origins of this, special day. One young man responded immediately, "It's opening day for the Yankees and Giants."
Not wishing to stifle creative thinking, the teacher responded, "What a wonderful answer! But I had something else in mind."
A young girl then stood and remarked, "That's the day we get nice new clothes and go find the eggs from the Easter Bunny.
"That's right," said the teacher. "But there's something else just a little more important.
A young man then jumped up and yelled, "I know, I know!! After Jesus died on the cross, some of his friends buried him in a tomb they called a sepulcher."
The teacher thought, "I don't believe it, someone actually knows."
The little boy continued, "And three days later Jesus arose and opened the door of the tomb and stepped out."
"Yes, yes!" said the teacher. "Go on, go on!"
And the youngster said, "And if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of bad weather

Taking A Walk

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

Doctors

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me."
The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you ...she's dead."

The Athiest

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run
even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!" ;> Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of
these years, told others I didn't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen"

Setting The Record Straight

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
"The old woman looked up at her and said, ' Young lady, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.

Gay Teddy

Gay Teddy goes into the doctor's office and has some tests
run. The doctor comes back and says, "Teddy, I am not going
to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Teddy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of
spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a
gallon of prune juice."
Teddy asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."

Cape Breton Sobriety Test

One day, a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman pulled a car over on the Trans Canada Highway . When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to North Sydney to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus, and didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie then said that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked the magician if he would juggle them. The juggler stated that he would, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a truck pulled in behind the patrol car. A Cape Bretoner, drunk, and driving home from the local tavern got out and watched the performance . He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door, and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this, went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the guy what the hell he thought he was doing.
The guy replied, "You might as well take me right to jail, cause there's no f*ckin` way I can pass that test."

Coincidence?

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar, next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying for years, to have a child, and today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all of my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Reverse Immigration

This guy is definately thinking outside of the triangle.

Enter Mexico illegally.
Ignore immigration quotas, visas, international law, and all that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand that the federal government provide retirement benefits for your elderly parents.
Procreate abundantly.
Demand that the Mexican school system provide schooling for all your children.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do the same.
Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Deflect any criticism of this irresponsible behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop; proudly display it in your front window and on your car bumper.
Demand a local Mexican driver's license and then use your new Mexican driver's license to apply for other legal rights and to legitimize your illegal presence in Mexico.
Demand that the Mexican driver's license be acceptable documentation for voter's registration.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Insist that you should not have to pay taxes, because you are not a Mexican citizen and are only there "temporarily."
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time, or soon be dead.
It will never happen. It will not happen in Mexico or any other country in the world.
The only place this happens is right here... in the land of the gullible and the home of the naively stupid.

Jack And Jill

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."
Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will!!"

The Hot Seat

In a recent interview, forced upon me by a rabid female fan, wielding a rusty beer can, I had to endure a barrage of questions, and was coerced into posting my responses. Fortunately for me, Willow can no longer read,....but a promise is a promise.

Q. What's the fastest way to a badger's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why do men always want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes a dog chase a car they have no intention of driving.

Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.

Bonus Question

Q. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A. No one is tall enough to go on the rides.

Two Cows

DEMOCRAT - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST -You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST -You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION -You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you can not touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION -You have two cows. They go in hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

FLORIDA CORPORATION-You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION -You have millions of cows. Most are illegals.

Priceless

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman drove across a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side, lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
The woman replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah?" said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."





Traffic Ticket $ 95.00
Court Costs $ 45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

World History As It Really Happened

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer, and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals; and 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals toB-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting, to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals were symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, andFrench food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained inEurope when the conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created the business idea of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.