Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Power Of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Ferries

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Monday, November 27, 2006

A Little Christmas Cheer

One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy.
I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed girl, who guessed was about 12 years old. She was short and thin, and had no coat.
She was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect her from the cold winter night's chill.
Oddly enough, she was holding a hundred dollar bill in her hand.
Thinking that she had gotten separated from her parents and was lost, I asked her what was wrong. She told me her sad story, she said that she came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. Her father had died when she was 9 years old. Her mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.
Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts for her children. The young girl had been dropped off by her mother on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home.
She had not even entered the mall, when a young man grabbed one of the $100 bills and disappeared into the night.
Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
"I did." said the girl.
"And no one came to help you?" I wondered.
The girl stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook her head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft spoken little girl looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard this poor girl's cry for help.
So I grabbed her other $100 bill, and bolted for my car.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Mick Jagger

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate, that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick , and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog his loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Assholes

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The 1st Thanksgiving According To George W.

Thanksgiving is a holiday where, ya know, we give thanks to America's 1st President Jesus Christ.
See President Jesus gave us a good, a really good harvest of wheat and corn and apple pies.Now us Americans used to be called Pilgrims because that's what Jesus said. And Jesus told the Pilgrims to leave England and sail to the New World on this giant ship called Noah's Ark. The trip was very hard because the ship hit an iceberg and Leonardo DiCaprio drowned.When the Pilgrims landed on the Plymouth Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, they settled and became uh, settlers.
Then they built stuff like condos and Starbucks. But Starbucks only served tea, not coffee. The settlers protested this and tossed the tea in the river while
dancing and having fun. This was called the Boston Tea Party. The roof was set on fire and then raised. Somebody let the dogs out. And reportedly, they
partied like it was their birthday.
But there was an evil Terrorist organization plotting to destroy the good Pilgrim people. These Terrorists were known as... Turkeys.These Turkeys stuffed themselves until they exploded, destroying villages and women.One Turkey even kidnapped Jean Claude van Damme.So President Jesus decided to form a coalition of the willing with the United Nations of Benetton. This included the Pilgrims and the Natives.
The Native people, who today we call Indians, were famous for their maizes. They liked to solve the maizes and then do a naked rain dance so their God, named
Buddha, would bless them with ripe melons on their women with names like Little Big Horns.Anyway, the Turkeys did not like our freedoms. They wanted to destroy our homes. The suicide-Turkeys tricked us into eating them... then we would get very
sleepy from their biological weapon... Tryptophan. The Pilgrims would fall asleep and then the Turkeys would raise the price of oil.
But we had a plan to stay the course. The men went out shooting and they shot many delicious wild Terrorist turkeys while the Vice President shot his friend
in the face.Both are traditions we carry on to this day!Sure, some Turkeys were tortured and some Turkeys were raped, but things like this happen when you are fighting against an evil army of flightless birds.The Pilgrim and Indian men also shot deers, ducks, and sweet potatoes.So the Pilgrim mothers, of which my mother Barbara was a founding member, said thus, "Let us invite these friendly red skinned Native people so we may
rejoice." Rejoice means to joice again. Which eventually became the state of New Joicey.
The Indians came to the party lead by Chief Wahoo. The Indians were friendly but lacked depth in their starting rotation.The Indians were dressed in bizarre outfits of deer skins and feathers with their faces painted. "How weird!," the Pilgrims exclaimed as they adjusted the
belt buckles on their hats.At the Thanksgiving, before they ate anything, the Pilgrims and the Indians thanked God for all his goodness. Of course, the Pilgrim-Americans thanked the
REAL God while the Indians thanked their FALSE hooey-booey, mumbo-jumbo gods.
The Indians sang songs and danced and drank and drank and drank. They reminded the Pilgrims of the Irish.The drunk Pilgrims celebrated by shooting their muskets in the air. The drunk Indians shot their bows & arrows into the air. Sadly, one of the arrows flew
back down to Earth and pierced right through the head of a Pilgrim. He became America's first stand-up comedian.
All this happened nearly four hundred million years ago, and ever since that time Thanksgiving has been celebrated in our country.Sometimes Thanksgiving is called Christmas.In France, they call Thanksgiving D-Day.So every year we stop to say "Thanks!" to Jesus for all of the things He's given to us instead of to the people of Africa and Mexico. This is why we eat as
much as we can... to remember that there are people in Africa and Mexico who have nothing to eat.
Suckers.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A Thanksgiving Love Story

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there.
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you in my arms through the door.
Laying you down, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove the wrap, from around your body , exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft skin ,and making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, running them over the beads of water, causing them to trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was prepared, before we even came through the door.
As I lay you down, your legs spread wide open . You are ready now, and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, and you take it willingly. I push it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in. You are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot.
The heat lasts for hours , until your sweet juices escape from within.
Finally I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating more, with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you,
"You surely are the best turkey, I have ever had."

Saturday, November 18, 2006

A White Trash Thanksgiving

Signs You're Going To Have A White Trash Tranksgiving

- Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Uncle Peter, who got stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" falling into all the women, and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human flesh, as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The Half--Wit

There was a man who owned a small ranch in Texas.
One day, The Wage & Hour Dept. of the Gov't. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees, and dispatched an agent out to investigate him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to! The half-wit," says the agent. "Is he here?"
"That would be me," replied the rancher.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Ice Cream

A penguin was driving in the desert when his car started to cough and splutter, but he managedto coax the car to the nearest garage.
On arrival at the garage, he noticed a giraffe. He asked the giraffe if he knew anything about cars? The giraffe said that he was the chief mechanic and asked, what was the problem?
The penguin told the giraffe about the problem with the car. The giraffe apologised, and said that it would be about an hour before he could look at the car, and suggested that the penguin go for something to eat in the nearby cafe .
What a good idea thought the penguin, and proceeded to the cafe. After perusing the menu he ordered a LARGE portion of vanilla ice-cream. The waitress brought the LARGE portion of vanilla ice-cream and a spoon.
"Don't be stupid said the penguin. I have flippers, not hands. How do you expect me to use a spoon?"
The penguin then proceeded to eat the ice cream with his flippers, and made quite a mess. After the penguin had finished his ice cream, he to returned to the garage, to find out about the problem with his car. He asked the mechanic what the problem was with his car?
The mechanic said "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin replied, "Fuck,No! That's vanilla ice-cream!"
-

Friday, November 10, 2006

Texans

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Hell (PT XVIII)

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs
out!
If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding?
I love drugs! You don't mean . . "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Mermaids

On a farm out in the country, lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke. While looking out the window toward the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in thefield. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

The oldest son woke to discover his parents dead (andthe cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he reached the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

The second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), itwas not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up, saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went downto the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in arow?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?

Monday, November 06, 2006

The Pig

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the grill of my truck. He's still wriggling . What should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Choices

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His Mother was Jewish and his father was African-American.
So Johnny asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more African-American?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure, you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more African-American?"
"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the damn thing."

The Meaning Of Cheap

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers, because it's soooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."