Holy Matrimony!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted .
'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvre s that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Ok.
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. SHUT THE HELL UP! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and...they lived happily ever after.

Blonde? Or Hillbilly?

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
Impotent -- Distinguished
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

A Bee At A Bar Mitzva

A hungry bee meets a fellow bee who directs the hungry one
to a Bar Mitzvah.
The hungry bee eats his fill, then again
meets his friend.
The second bee asks how it went, and hears that his friend
ate plenty.
The second bee then asks why the first bee is
wearing a yarmulke (the small round cap that religious Jews
often wear).
The first bee replies, "It was a Bar Mitzvah. I didn't want
anyone to think I was a WASP."

What Starts With F And Ends With K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Happy Mother's Day

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man when suddenly the Irishman says, it’s Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a Bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" asked Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, "Fuck off, I'm on Workers’ compensation.

Don't Mess With Badgers

A Pit bull decided he would intrude upon a badger family outing. But being both brave and stupid, he ultimately learned the hard way that he can't always win. Especially
with a badger named bob wielding a blow gun, with an endless supply of ammo, stolen from his friend Petey, while he was sleeping.

Working Construction

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and sees another man. down on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but the guy on the first floor can't understand him, so he decides to do sign language.
He points to his eye, meaning "I", points to his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he climbs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you? You dumbass! I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming."

Pregnancy

A woman went to the doctor's office where a young new doctor examined her. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out screaming, and ran down the hallway.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. He then marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you?!! Mrs. Smith is 62 years old. She has four grown children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!
"The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Snappy Comebacks

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day , concerning guns and children.
Here is a portion of the National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Meeting The Parents

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer, without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" Yelled the young woman's mother, to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here now, before he shits on you!"

Blondes PT.VII

One day, a blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. The nexyt morning, when the milkman read the note, he thought, there must be a mistake, and that she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So he knocked on her door to clarify the point.
When the blonde came to the door the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs.
I can always splash it in my eyes

Retards

Tongue Twister
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each linefrom the top.

Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask about reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who inquired as to her progress.
The poor lady exclaimed, "Oh, doctor, it was horrible! Just horrible!"
"Really? What happened? " asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped my clothes to shreds and took me then and there, on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"It was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show my face in that Starbucks again!"

The Virginia Tech Massacre (As Witnessed By A Gunshot Victim)

The gunman in the black leather jacket came into the classroom shooting and did not leave until everything was still, said Virginia Tech sophomore Derek O’Dell.
“He didn’t say anything; that’s the weirdest part,” said O’Dell, who was shot in the arm during Monday’s massacre at Virginia Tech. “No screaming, no yelling. He just shot people.”
O’Dell, a 2005 graduate of Cave Spring High School in Roanoke County, said he was in German class on the second floor of Norris Hall when he heard what he thought was a hammer banging on the wall of a nearby room.
Suddenly, the door swung open and the shooter, described as an Asian man wearing a jacket and a maroon baseball cap, mechanically opened fire, reloaded his handgun and then started shooting again, O’Dell said.
“He was very quick in reloading, so it looked like he’d been trained,” said the 20-year-old biological sciences student.
O’Dell said he crouched under his desk while some of his classmates, and possibly their professor, were shot around him.
“No one was really moving,” he said.
O’Dell estimated that 10 to 15 of the roughly 20 students in his class were shot. He did not know how many were killed.
At least 33 people were killed in Monday’s shootings at Norris Hall, a classroom building, and earlier at West Ambler Johnston Hall, a dormitory. Authorities had not identified the gunman late Monday night.
After the shooter left O’Dell’s classroom, O’Dell said that he and a man who appeared uninjured shut the door and barricaded it with their feet, fearing the gunman would return.
“We heard more gunshots down the hall and I realized I had been shot,” O’Dell said.
He said he wrapped his belt around the wound on his upper right arm to stop the bleeding.
As they held shut the wooden door, which did not have a lock, the shooter returned and tried to muscle inside, O’Dell said.
“He got the door open maybe an inch or two and then we were able to shut it again,” O’Dell recalled.
The man shot at the door from outside and then left, O’Dell said. More shots were fired outside the room, and the shooter came back again and tried the door. Again he shot at the door and walked away.
The shooter was found in Norris Hall after he killed himself, authorities said.
O’Dell said he was taken from the building after police arrived.
He was treated and released from Montgomery Regional Hospital.
O’Dell’s father, Roger O’Dell, said he heard about the ordeal after his sister-in-law left him a message between 9:30 and 10 a.m., and his son called from the hospital about 10:20 a.m.
Roger O’Dell said he did not know if anyone from Virginia Tech tried to contact him.
“I didn’t believe it at first,” Roger O’Dell said.
“And the magnitude ... I didn’t realize it at first.”

International Disadvantaged People's Day

In celebration of International Disadvantaged People's Day,
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus, or occasionally shit yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're fucking special.

A Scary Thought

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just
went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh shit! Am I driving?"

Think Your Day Is About To Turn Bad ?

Wrigley's

A Scotsman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Scotsman politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, tarted up a conversation.
The Englishman snapped his gum and said, "You Scots folk eat the whole bread?"
The Scot frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Englishman blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face.
The Scotsman listened in silence.
The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Scot replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell to Scotland."
The Scot then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Scotsman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Scots turn to smile. "We don't. In Scotland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

Six Shots Of Vodka

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.
The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
"What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
"Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

America's Smartest Woman

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die" So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The 2ND passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former US President, a NY State Senator, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said, "I am a US Senator, the Democratic party needs me, and my liver still has some good years left." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The 4Th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5Th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, so as a Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you.
America's smartest woman just jumped out of the plane with my school backpack."

The Good News

A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,
"I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,
"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient says, "Yes."
The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"

The Meaning Of Easter

One Easter morning, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if they knew the origins of this, special day. One young man responded immediately, "It's opening day for the Yankees and Giants."
Not wishing to stifle creative thinking, the teacher responded, "What a wonderful answer! But I had something else in mind."
A young girl then stood and remarked, "That's the day we get nice new clothes and go find the eggs from the Easter Bunny.
"That's right," said the teacher. "But there's something else just a little more important.
A young man then jumped up and yelled, "I know, I know!! After Jesus died on the cross, some of his friends buried him in a tomb they called a sepulcher."
The teacher thought, "I don't believe it, someone actually knows."
The little boy continued, "And three days later Jesus arose and opened the door of the tomb and stepped out."
"Yes, yes!" said the teacher. "Go on, go on!"
And the youngster said, "And if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of bad weather

Taking A Walk

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

Doctors

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me."
The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you ...she's dead."

The Athiest

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run
even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!" ;> Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of
these years, told others I didn't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen"

Setting The Record Straight

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
"The old woman looked up at her and said, ' Young lady, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.

Gay Teddy

Gay Teddy goes into the doctor's office and has some tests
run. The doctor comes back and says, "Teddy, I am not going
to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Teddy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of
spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a
gallon of prune juice."
Teddy asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."

Cape Breton Sobriety Test

One day, a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman pulled a car over on the Trans Canada Highway . When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to North Sydney to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus, and didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie then said that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked the magician if he would juggle them. The juggler stated that he would, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a truck pulled in behind the patrol car. A Cape Bretoner, drunk, and driving home from the local tavern got out and watched the performance . He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door, and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this, went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the guy what the hell he thought he was doing.
The guy replied, "You might as well take me right to jail, cause there's no f*ckin` way I can pass that test."

Coincidence?

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar, next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying for years, to have a child, and today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all of my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Reverse Immigration

This guy is definately thinking outside of the triangle.

Enter Mexico illegally.
Ignore immigration quotas, visas, international law, and all that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand that the federal government provide retirement benefits for your elderly parents.
Procreate abundantly.
Demand that the Mexican school system provide schooling for all your children.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do the same.
Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Deflect any criticism of this irresponsible behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop; proudly display it in your front window and on your car bumper.
Demand a local Mexican driver's license and then use your new Mexican driver's license to apply for other legal rights and to legitimize your illegal presence in Mexico.
Demand that the Mexican driver's license be acceptable documentation for voter's registration.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Insist that you should not have to pay taxes, because you are not a Mexican citizen and are only there "temporarily."
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time, or soon be dead.
It will never happen. It will not happen in Mexico or any other country in the world.
The only place this happens is right here... in the land of the gullible and the home of the naively stupid.

Jack And Jill

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."
Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will!!"

The Hot Seat

In a recent interview, forced upon me by a rabid female fan, wielding a rusty beer can, I had to endure a barrage of questions, and was coerced into posting my responses. Fortunately for me, Willow can no longer read,....but a promise is a promise.

Q. What's the fastest way to a badger's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why do men always want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes a dog chase a car they have no intention of driving.

Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.

Bonus Question

Q. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A. No one is tall enough to go on the rides.

Two Cows

DEMOCRAT - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST -You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST -You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION -You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you can not touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION -You have two cows. They go in hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

FLORIDA CORPORATION-You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION -You have millions of cows. Most are illegals.

Priceless

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman drove across a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side, lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
The woman replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah?" said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."





Traffic Ticket $ 95.00
Court Costs $ 45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

World History As It Really Happened

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer, and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals; and 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals toB-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting, to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals were symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, andFrench food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained inEurope when the conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created the business idea of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

Word Association

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passengers that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW! Great!" he thinks. "What a great place to be today."
He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat, and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.
"I am surely blessed", the man thinks. "Here I am, a good Catholic, on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. "Marvellous", he thinks, "not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords too". Maybe he will ask for help. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.
The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything your eminence. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

A Lesson Learned

The picture shows that this soldier has been thru Survival School and learned his lessons well. He's giving the sign of "coercion" with his left hand. These hand signs are taught in survival school to be used by POW's as a method of posing messages back to our intelligence services who may view the photo or video. This guy was obviously being coerced into shaking hands with Hillary Clinton. It's ironic how little she knew that he would so inform us about the photo---perhaps because she's never understood our military to begin with.

MY DADDY, THE DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "he works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected, to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Brian, The Hen

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday night just stinking drunk,as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he woke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long, flowing, white robe.
"Who the hell are you?", demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?!"
The mysterious man answered, "this is not your bedroom, and I'm St.Peter."
Brian was stunned."You mean I'm dead?! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family! You've got to send me back straightaway."
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog, or as a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad," he thought.
Then he felt this strange feeling welling up inside of him.
The farmyard rooster strolled up and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!", replied Brian
"Well, just relax and let it happen." advised the rooster.
And so he did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg , the feeling of happiness was overwhelming, and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head......and heard his wife shouting, "BRIAN, wake up you drunken bastard!You're SHITTING the bed!"

Cartoons

Can this be true???

I think it's time to toss my hat in the ring!


Gold Star Mothers (G.S.M.)is an organization made up of women whose sons were
killed in military combat during service in theUnited StatesArmed Forces.
Recently a dele gation ofNew YorkStateGold Star Mothers made a trip toWashingtonD.C., to discuss various concerns with their elected Representatives.

According to published reports, there was only one politician who refused
to meet with these ladies.
Can you guess which politician
that might be?


Was it New York Senator
Charles Schumer? Nope, he met with them.
Try again . Do y ou know anyone serving
in the Senate who has never showed anything but contempt for our military?
Do you happen to know the name of any politician in Washington, who's husband once wrote of his loathing for the military?

Now you're getting warm! You got it!
None other than the Queen herself, Hillary Rotten Clinton!
She refused repeated requests to meet
with the Gold Star Mothers.
May you sleep in peace always...and please....hug or thank a Veteran for that
privilege

Don't forget, our girl,
Hillary Rodham Clinton,
as a New York Senator, now comes under this fancy congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan.
It's common knowledge that, in order for her to establish NYS residency, they purchased a million+ dollar house in upscaleChappaqua,NY

Makes sense.
Now, they are entitled to Secret Service protection for life.
Still makes sense.

Here is where it becomes interesting. The mortgage payments hover at about $10,000 per month.
BUT, an extra residency had to be built within the acreage in order to house the
Secret Service agents..
The Clinton's now charge the Secret Service $10,000 monthly rent for the
use of said Secret Service residence
and that rent is just about equal to their mortgage payment, meaning that
we, the tax payers, are paying the Clinton's mortgage, their transportation, their safety and security, their 12 man staff.
And it's all perfectly legal.
Something smells really bad here.


Sincerely, Cmdr. Hamilton McWhorter
U.S.N.
(retired)
(Edited for time, by Harry Badger.)
(Formatted to fit your screen, by Pharryl Badger.)

The Baseball Diaries

Bob and Earl were best friends, and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together, and had the best time possible.

They truly loved the game, but they always secretly wondered if there was baseball in heaven, and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and, tell them if there was.

Then one night Earl died, and then a few days later Bob attended his funeral and returned home after the service.

Then the phone rang it was Earl.

Earl said,"Bob! is this you"

Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing, and hey!,is there baseball in heaven?"

Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news."

Bob said, "Whats the good news?"

Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven, and yes, you can play with Babe Ruth, and everybody here is great"

Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?"

Earl said, "Well Bob, you're the starting pitcher, tommorow night!"

Monkey Business

One day, a Highway Patrol cop came upon a bad accident.
A man and a woman were both dead from a car crash. The accident seemed to have no apparent explanation, until the cop looked up on the hillside and saw a monkey waving his arms at him, as if to say something.
The cop yelled, "Hey monkey ... do you know what happened here?"
The monkey began jumping up and down, motioning with his arms, as if he was drinking a bottle of some kind.
Cop: "They were drinking?"
The monkey nodded his head, vigorously.
Cop: "What else?"
The monkey mimed smoking a joint.
Cop: "They were smoking dope?"
Again, the monkey nodded his head vigorously.
Cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"
The monkey began miming sexual intercourse.
Cop: "They were screwing?"
For a third time, the monkey nodded his head.
Cop: "This still doesn't make any sense.
Hey monkey! What were you doing while all this was going on?"
The monkey got all excited and with a huge grin began makin steering motions, as if he was driving the car, while looking behind him.

Lawyers Part VIII

For 3 years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn.

The last time he'd finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' , and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family, than a lawyer."

The Sindian In The Cupboard

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the cupboard, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
A few weeks later, it happens again, and the boy and the lover
end up in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots
and football, and let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible! Overcharging your friends like that. That
is much more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to
Church and make you confess."
They go to the church, and the father makes the boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now."

Memories

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ...

"I would have gotten out today!."

Cowboys

One day, a successful rancher, up and died, and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew that she would need some help,
so she placed an ad in the local newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay cowboy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house, rather than a drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am,and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,waitting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off, "she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!".

Trophies

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year- old who knocks everyone's
socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm
and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to
marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Iowa Pride

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside of a
bar in Melcher , IOWA . After last call the officer
noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he
could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in
which he tried his keys on five different vehicles,
the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He
sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.


Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked
the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some
more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last,
when his was the only car left in the parking lot,
he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.


The police officer, having waited patiently all this
time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!


Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud IOWAN.
"Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Speedy Justice

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th drunk driving conviction.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was soon surrounded by police officers, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation
.Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

It's A Crazy World

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It's A Crazy World

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full- time job is to travel the countryside
And deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. The reason? Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

n Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's own weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.

And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts.

A Helping Hand

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are
you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

Hanging On

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."

Husband And Wife - A Description

A Husband is a man who:

-gave up privileges he never knew he had.

-is spouse-broken.

-lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.

-made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.


A Wife is a woman who:

-can dish it out but can't cook it.

-dresses to kill and cooks the same way.

-has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills, and has a fed-up husband.

-is a dish-jockey.

-is a husband's bitter half.

-sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never have had if he hadn't married her in the first place.

The Stupids

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells
Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note
to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't too bright, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because, it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip, and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested th! e robber two hours later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clubs

A guy on safari is hacking his way through the jungle when he comes across a clearing and sees a dead elephant and a 3ft 6 inch pygmy standing next, to it looking really pleased with himself. The guy asks him if he has killed the elephant to which the pygmy replies 'yes',

the guy then asks him how he killed it to which the pygmy replies 'with my club'.

The guy then asks him how big his club is to which the pygmy replies

'well there are 120 of us in it'.

The Corporate ladder

A corporation is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs... at different levels...some climbing up, and some getting knocked off of the top.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes

The Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one.

The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.

He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls.

The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,

"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

top

The Meaning Of Life

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.

After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to.

The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.

"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"

"Is that right" the nun replies?

"Yes."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

Animal Bigotry

Canadian wildlife officials are looking for a driver to take a stinky stowaway skunk back to it's home in California.

But the skunk, who survived a seven-day journey across the United States and into Canada without food and water, after being accidentally locked away in a transport truck, is having a hard time finding someone to give her a ride home.


"Releasing her into the wild in Canada is out of the question", one official said.
"It's totally and utterly illegal from a provincial and federal standpoint to release a California skunk in Ontario."
As well, "skunks are very territorial animals ... "They won't just readily accept a stranger in their territory, so there will be a big skunk fight."
While airlines usually agree to return such "accidental travelers" for free, the response has not been positive in this particular case.

"I wouldn't want to fly on a plane with a skunk either," the official stated. "She's not necessarily going to spray, but I'm sure a skunk has never experienced takeoff and landing and those are pretty startling things, and that's usually when they spray."

Skunks can blast their sulfurous spray as far as 3 metres (10 feet) from two anal scent glands, leaving victims with stinging eyes and gasping for air.

Ground transport is the most likely way to get the skunk home, so the Wildlife Center is looking either for a private driver traveling to California or a willing trucking company with the Pacific Coast state on its route.

"At least if you're in a car, you can stop and roll down the windows," the official said. "If you're on a plane for five hours, you don't have a lot of options there."

She added that, despite the problem of finding transport, putting the animal down was out of the question.

"It is a perfectly healthy animal who's just gotten away from its home territory. Certainly, to euthanize it just because she doesn't have a ride home is not a nice option for us."

Those with an idea on how to get the animal home can contact the Toronto Wildlife Center at 1-416-631-0662.

Truckin

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.

After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head.

When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker. The man said "Yeah". The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

A Refrigerator Tale

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,

'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give

up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,

'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.

'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'

A Good Mule

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Paying Your Dues

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

Taxidermy

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansaa and orders a white

wine.


Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and

the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around

here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"


The guy says, "I'm from Upstate New york."


The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Upstate New York?"


The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell

is a taxidermist?"


The guy says "I mount animals."


The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's

OK boys, he's one of us!"

Cat And Mouse

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best

Rodeo Cowboys

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

Jungle Sex

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Ten Steps To A Cleaner Toilet

This is a great efficient way to clean your Toilet. Follow the following steps:

1)Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2)Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3)In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
4)You may need to stand on the lid.
5)The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
6)Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
7)Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
8)Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
9)The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
10)Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Please note: A small dog can also be used.

Badger's New Years Resolutions

Are you sick and tired of making the same resolutions year after year, that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here is a list of my top ten resolutions, that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

5. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

6. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

7. Eat only cloned meat.

8. Create loose ends.

9. Get further in debt.

10. Break at least one traffic law.

11. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

12. Wait around for opportunity.

13. Focus on the faults of others

Potential & Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

The Age Game

A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", was the reply.
"I'm actually 47", the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to a McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's really feeling good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both hands down her panties and begins feeling around.
After a couple minutes of this activity she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That was amazing, how did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's".

-

'TWAS THE BILLS AFTER CHRISTMAS

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

Norman's Wife

One morning, while Norman and his wife were having breakfast,
the radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through.

So, Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast , the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

Norman's wife again went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."

Then the power went out.

Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on, so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman said

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Christmas

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!
































Just Kidding.