Boob Jobs

One day, a woman says to her husband, that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."

Control

There were three guys talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She told me to, get out from under the bed, and fight like a man.

Holy Matrimony!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted .
'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvre s that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Ok.
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. SHUT THE HELL UP! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and...they lived happily ever after.

Blonde? Or Hillbilly?

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
Impotent -- Distinguished
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

A Bee At A Bar Mitzva

A hungry bee meets a fellow bee who directs the hungry one
to a Bar Mitzvah.
The hungry bee eats his fill, then again
meets his friend.
The second bee asks how it went, and hears that his friend
ate plenty.
The second bee then asks why the first bee is
wearing a yarmulke (the small round cap that religious Jews
often wear).
The first bee replies, "It was a Bar Mitzvah. I didn't want
anyone to think I was a WASP."

What Starts With F And Ends With K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Happy Mother's Day

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man when suddenly the Irishman says, it’s Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a Bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" asked Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, "Fuck off, I'm on Workers’ compensation.

Don't Mess With Badgers

A Pit bull decided he would intrude upon a badger family outing. But being both brave and stupid, he ultimately learned the hard way that he can't always win. Especially
with a badger named bob wielding a blow gun, with an endless supply of ammo, stolen from his friend Petey, while he was sleeping.

Working Construction

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and sees another man. down on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but the guy on the first floor can't understand him, so he decides to do sign language.
He points to his eye, meaning "I", points to his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he climbs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you? You dumbass! I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming."

Pregnancy

A woman went to the doctor's office where a young new doctor examined her. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out screaming, and ran down the hallway.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. He then marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you?!! Mrs. Smith is 62 years old. She has four grown children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!
"The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Snappy Comebacks

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day , concerning guns and children.
Here is a portion of the National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Meeting The Parents

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer, without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" Yelled the young woman's mother, to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here now, before he shits on you!"

Blondes PT.VII

One day, a blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. The nexyt morning, when the milkman read the note, he thought, there must be a mistake, and that she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So he knocked on her door to clarify the point.
When the blonde came to the door the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs.
I can always splash it in my eyes

Retards

Tongue Twister
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each linefrom the top.

Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask about reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who inquired as to her progress.
The poor lady exclaimed, "Oh, doctor, it was horrible! Just horrible!"
"Really? What happened? " asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped my clothes to shreds and took me then and there, on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"It was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show my face in that Starbucks again!"

The Virginia Tech Massacre (As Witnessed By A Gunshot Victim)

The gunman in the black leather jacket came into the classroom shooting and did not leave until everything was still, said Virginia Tech sophomore Derek O’Dell.
“He didn’t say anything; that’s the weirdest part,” said O’Dell, who was shot in the arm during Monday’s massacre at Virginia Tech. “No screaming, no yelling. He just shot people.”
O’Dell, a 2005 graduate of Cave Spring High School in Roanoke County, said he was in German class on the second floor of Norris Hall when he heard what he thought was a hammer banging on the wall of a nearby room.
Suddenly, the door swung open and the shooter, described as an Asian man wearing a jacket and a maroon baseball cap, mechanically opened fire, reloaded his handgun and then started shooting again, O’Dell said.
“He was very quick in reloading, so it looked like he’d been trained,” said the 20-year-old biological sciences student.
O’Dell said he crouched under his desk while some of his classmates, and possibly their professor, were shot around him.
“No one was really moving,” he said.
O’Dell estimated that 10 to 15 of the roughly 20 students in his class were shot. He did not know how many were killed.
At least 33 people were killed in Monday’s shootings at Norris Hall, a classroom building, and earlier at West Ambler Johnston Hall, a dormitory. Authorities had not identified the gunman late Monday night.
After the shooter left O’Dell’s classroom, O’Dell said that he and a man who appeared uninjured shut the door and barricaded it with their feet, fearing the gunman would return.
“We heard more gunshots down the hall and I realized I had been shot,” O’Dell said.
He said he wrapped his belt around the wound on his upper right arm to stop the bleeding.
As they held shut the wooden door, which did not have a lock, the shooter returned and tried to muscle inside, O’Dell said.
“He got the door open maybe an inch or two and then we were able to shut it again,” O’Dell recalled.
The man shot at the door from outside and then left, O’Dell said. More shots were fired outside the room, and the shooter came back again and tried the door. Again he shot at the door and walked away.
The shooter was found in Norris Hall after he killed himself, authorities said.
O’Dell said he was taken from the building after police arrived.
He was treated and released from Montgomery Regional Hospital.
O’Dell’s father, Roger O’Dell, said he heard about the ordeal after his sister-in-law left him a message between 9:30 and 10 a.m., and his son called from the hospital about 10:20 a.m.
Roger O’Dell said he did not know if anyone from Virginia Tech tried to contact him.
“I didn’t believe it at first,” Roger O’Dell said.
“And the magnitude ... I didn’t realize it at first.”

International Disadvantaged People's Day

In celebration of International Disadvantaged People's Day,
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus, or occasionally shit yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're fucking special.

A Scary Thought

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just
went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh shit! Am I driving?"

Think Your Day Is About To Turn Bad ?