PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........ Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
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6 comments:
I thought all rednecks drank wine from a box.
What if the bride or groom IS a member of the livestock group?
You're right on most counts. For example, though, while beer is innapropriate for job interviews, moonshine is not. You want potential employers to know you're classy and take initiative.
Also, NYM is partly correct. Only the finest hillbillies drink wine from a box. It works much better if you lose the box and just drink out of the plastic bag within--instant wineskin.
I'm a little curious about Nym's livestock comment. Nym, do you have something you would like to share with the group? Maybe a family member or relative, with four legs, instead of two?
Well, some of my dad's family did move to Michigan...
Theory of Evolution according to George Orwell:
Stage 1:
========
Four legs good, two legs bad.
Stage 2:
========
Four legs good, two legs better.
That was how those hillbillies of livestock descent evolved into respectable moonshine creatures.
Just let me share another redneck joke:
Condom Tax
----------
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, " I got a hot date
tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack o' dem rubbers gonna cost me?
The pharmacist responds, "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with
tax."
To which the redneck replies, "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty,...........don't
they stay on by therself?"
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