A Mother's Love

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout .. and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and said “Thank you”.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"It can't be that much ! I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied "Yes, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

The Healing Power Of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head".

Stupid People Part XXVI

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of dry food and was standing in the line at the register.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that, No...., I was starting a Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
The lady was flabbergasted, gave me an incredibly evil look , and stormed out of the shop, while the guy behind her looked like he was having a heart attack, from laughing so hard .
Stupid lady..........why else would I buy dog food???

Lawyers Part XVII

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where
is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can
interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my
damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars
is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what
you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He
doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my
damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants
to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The
money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have
the guts to pull the trigger."

Freak Of Nature??

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he cain't communicate with me!"

Be On The Alert!

There has been a stinky badger sighting in the Maritimes. An alert has gone out since the family cat disappeared and a big pile of poop (the Sneaky Badger calling card) was left at the scene. Anyone who has seen this hideous creature should load their shotgun and blow his badger ass to smithereens.




The crooked Badger with his buddy, "Stick."

Guest Post

On my way across the street to get suppplies for my fishing expedition, I tripped over a body, lying in the gutter. To my surprise and horror, up popped Willow, who then proceeded to spew a string of profanity at me, that a muleskinner would be proud of. After a brief moment of my having to dodge a barrage of lugies, Willow calmed down and invited me for tea.
I decided to throw caution to the wind, and invited Willow to guest post on my blog.
Needing no further introduction................

The Answer To That Age Old Question

Great Expectations

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, and see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they enter, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built, only to prove, that there is no way to please a woman."

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming .
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond , as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard shouting and laughter . He got closer and saw that it was a bunch of young women, who were skinny-dipping .
When he made the women aware of his presence, they shrieked, and swam to the deep end.
One of the women shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked in my pond, or to see you naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said , "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Thumb-Suckers

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom, in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, "Boy, what a hypocrate. She gets mad at me for just sucking my thumb"

Running

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me and run through the forest. You'll see you'll feel much better."
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then, they came across an elephant doing cocaine.
So, the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you so this? Think about your health. come running with us through the pretty forest. You'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
So, the rabbit again says, "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! come running with us through the sunny forest. You'll see, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down the needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little bastard makes me run around the forest like an idiot, everytime he's on ecstacy!"

A Sportsman's Double

I met an 'older' woman at a club last night. She was okay...for 57. We drank a bit, danced a bit, and then she purred, 'Have you ever had the 'Sportsman's Double,' a mother and daughter threesome?
I said, 'No.' We drank a bit more, then she said, 'Tonight may be your lucky night!
I went back to her place.
As we walked through the front door of her house, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

Cry Of Distress

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre , in obvious distress.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'

Female Hormones And Beer

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

Drawing The Line

A guy and girl meet at a Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end, decide to go back to his place . Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed, and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.
The guy struts in, whips off his clothes, but stops with just his shorts left. He reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? .... Are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and grins.
She smiles, her eyes now wide, and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw the line somewhere baby".

Cows

An Alberta cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy "If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You work for the Canadian Government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a flock of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."

BBQ

One morning, a woman was standing in front of her bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit. She posed this way and that.
Her husband, looking on with disinterest, remarked; "your butt is the size of a 3-burner barbeque!"
Later that evening, tucked away cozy in bed, he leaned over, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked hopefully; "How about it?"
She replied,"It's hardly worth lighting the Barby for half a sausage now, is it?"

Boob Jobs

One day, a woman says to her husband, that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."