Be On The Alert!

There has been a stinky badger sighting in the Maritimes. An alert has gone out since the family cat disappeared and a big pile of poop (the Sneaky Badger calling card) was left at the scene. Anyone who has seen this hideous creature should load their shotgun and blow his badger ass to smithereens.




The crooked Badger with his buddy, "Stick."

Guest Post

On my way across the street to get suppplies for my fishing expedition, I tripped over a body, lying in the gutter. To my surprise and horror, up popped Willow, who then proceeded to spew a string of profanity at me, that a muleskinner would be proud of. After a brief moment of my having to dodge a barrage of lugies, Willow calmed down and invited me for tea.
I decided to throw caution to the wind, and invited Willow to guest post on my blog.
Needing no further introduction................

The Answer To That Age Old Question

Great Expectations

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, and see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they enter, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built, only to prove, that there is no way to please a woman."

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming .
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond , as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard shouting and laughter . He got closer and saw that it was a bunch of young women, who were skinny-dipping .
When he made the women aware of his presence, they shrieked, and swam to the deep end.
One of the women shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked in my pond, or to see you naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said , "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Thumb-Suckers

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom, in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, "Boy, what a hypocrate. She gets mad at me for just sucking my thumb"

Running

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me and run through the forest. You'll see you'll feel much better."
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then, they came across an elephant doing cocaine.
So, the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you so this? Think about your health. come running with us through the pretty forest. You'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
So, the rabbit again says, "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! come running with us through the sunny forest. You'll see, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down the needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little bastard makes me run around the forest like an idiot, everytime he's on ecstacy!"

A Sportsman's Double

I met an 'older' woman at a club last night. She was okay...for 57. We drank a bit, danced a bit, and then she purred, 'Have you ever had the 'Sportsman's Double,' a mother and daughter threesome?
I said, 'No.' We drank a bit more, then she said, 'Tonight may be your lucky night!
I went back to her place.
As we walked through the front door of her house, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

Cry Of Distress

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre , in obvious distress.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'

Female Hormones And Beer

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

Drawing The Line

A guy and girl meet at a Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end, decide to go back to his place . Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed, and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.
The guy struts in, whips off his clothes, but stops with just his shorts left. He reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? .... Are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and grins.
She smiles, her eyes now wide, and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw the line somewhere baby".

Cows

An Alberta cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy "If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You work for the Canadian Government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a flock of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."

BBQ

One morning, a woman was standing in front of her bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit. She posed this way and that.
Her husband, looking on with disinterest, remarked; "your butt is the size of a 3-burner barbeque!"
Later that evening, tucked away cozy in bed, he leaned over, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked hopefully; "How about it?"
She replied,"It's hardly worth lighting the Barby for half a sausage now, is it?"