A Tale Of Two Spiders

One day, a father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled, as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He saw that she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked."
They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Long-legs," her father answered.
"Well, is the other one a Mommy Long-legs?
He laughed to himself at such a cute and innocent question, then replied "No dear. Both of them are DaddyLong-legs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment. Then she took her foot and stomped them flat, and said,
"Well, we're not having Any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.

Another Mining Disaster

XINTAI, China (Reuters) - More than 180 coal miners were trapped underground and feared dead in eastern China on Saturday after a rain-swollen river burst a levee and flooded two separate shafts, the latest blow to the world's deadliest mining industry.

The trapped miners had only a "slim chance" of survival, Wang Ziqi, director of the Shandong coal mine safety administration, told Xinhua.
"Nobody came up today, so everyone is waiting," a Xintai resident told Reuters by telephone. "It doesn't look good."
President Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao urged local officials to spare no effort to reach the trapped miners as soon as possible.
The scene of weary emergency workers and anxious relatives echoed a mine accident in the United States, which has a much cleaner safety record but where three people have died trying to save six miners trapped in a Utah coal mine.

Mining is risky worldwide, but China's coal industry is deadlier than any other country's, with about 2,163 coal miners killed in 1,320 accidents in the first seven months of the year.

It was not known at what level most of the miners were trapped, (Seems to be a reoccuring theme), but 14 were 30 metres (100 feet) underground, according to Xinhua.


China relies on coal for most of its energy needs.
Last year, 4,746 people were killed in thousands of blasts, floods and other mining accidents. While this year's record had been improving, the level is far worse than in other major coal-producing nations.
The U.S. Department of Labor, for instance, had recorded 14 coal mine deaths as of August 10 this year. Chinese officials estimate that China now suffers 1.485 mine deaths for every million tonnes of coal produced, compared with about 0.04 U.S. deaths for every million tonnes that country produced in 2005.

Time Change

Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a stolen car, heading east towards Georgia on I-90.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately.
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"
"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge.
"He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

A Real Fucking Tradgedy

Efforts to free Utah coal miners continueThe Associated PressPublished: August 14, 2007


HUNTINGTON, Utah: Rescuers are running out of options to rescue six Utah coal miners trapped by a cave-in nearly 10 days ago, and experts are giving long odds against finding the men alive.
As crews slowly dig a path to the men's presumed location at the Crandall Canyon mine, narrow drill holes sunk deep into the mountain amount to little more than educated guesses. The men could be huddled together or spread out anywhere in a huge underground area.
That is if they survived at all, experts say. The Aug. 6 cave-in released low-oxygen air from sealed chambers into the working area of the mine. And downward pressure on the walls sent chunks of coal flying like bullets through the shaft.
"There's always a chance. You have to hang on to that chance. But realistically it is small, quite small," said J. Davitt McAteer, former head of the Mine Safety and Health Administration and now vice president of Wheeling Jesuit University in West Virginia. "You would have to have every single break and divine intervention to successfully extract these guys."
Two holes drilled into the mine have not located them, and a third drill broke through Wednesday into an area where officials say the men MAY have sought refuge after the collapse. But rescuers were unable to get a microphone into the void that could pick up sounds of life. They planned to try again.



Approx. 35% of all manufactured items, use raw materials that come from mining.The US Bureau of Labor Statistics estimates that 675,000 are employed in the natural resources and mining sector. China employs over 12 million, and reported 6000 deaths last year, but independant observers report that the figure is closer to 20,000 dead.

So, why is the following technology, not made mandatory for all miners to have a better chance for survival, in the event of an accident?


Recent Mine-1-1 Satellite Simulcast Demonstration to Mine Safety and Health Administration RepresentativesTuesday May 29, 9:30 am ET
VANCOUVER, BC--(MARKET WIRE)--May 29, 2007 -- iPackets International, Inc. ("iPackets" or "Company") (Other OTC:IPKL.PK - News), a developer and provider of wireless communications software and equipment for the mine-safety industry, confirmed today that the recent successful Mine-1-1 underground demonstration was viewed live, via a satellite simulcast, by representatives of the Mine Safety and Health Administration ("MSHA").

MSHA is part of the U.S. Department of Labor and its mission is to administer the provisions of the Federal Mine Safety and Health Act of 1977, and to enforce compliance with mandatory safety and health standards as a means to eliminate fatal accidents; to reduce the frequency and severity of nonfatal accidents; to minimize health hazards; and to promote improved safety and health conditions in the Nation's mines.
Utilizing the satellite uplink capability of the MobileNet(TM) product, a component of the Mine-1-1 offering, the demonstration was simultaneously transmitted live from a coal mine to the National Mine Health and Safety Academy offices in Beckley, West Virginia. MSHA representatives, in the Beckley office, viewed the underground movement of the miners and the capability of real-time messaging.

Hugh McDavid, President of Mainline Communications, Inc., who was present at the remote demonstration, said, "Not only did the demonstration show definitively that the Mine-1-1 solution provides real-time tracking and monitoring of miners as they move about the mine, as well as two-way voice and data communication with the miners, the remote viewing of the demo showcased the unparalleled flexibility of the system. Nothing else on the market compares with this technology."
"This was a home run! The Mine-1-1 solution was very adaptable to the environment that it was deployed in and performed great," stated Miner Lawrence, Director of Project Management and Advanced Solution Systems for AFL Network Services. "Within a few hours we deployed the wireless network, monitored the team below ground, and demonstrated other advanced services over the network without any problems."
Mr. Lawrence also stated that it was a great team effort. "I'm very proud to be a part of something that will assist with making a safer work environment for the mine workers. It's amazing when you stop to think about everything that took place -- you can see the excitement in the faces of the mine workers standing there.

I wonder why the Press makes no mention of this technology?

Camels

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,
'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said:
'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'

Screwing

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.
The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband.
He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

Feeling Like A Woman

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passed through a severe thunderstorm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse, when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman in particular lost her composure.
She began screaming, and stood up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wailed. Then she yelled, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there was complete silence. Everyone forgot the storm and the imminent danger. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Finally, a man stood up in the rear ofthe plane.
He was gorgeous: tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes. He began to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.............One button at a time..........No one moved..........Everyone was transfixed..........He removed his shirt..........Muscles ripple across his chest..........She gasped...............He stood in front of her.......
"Here ya go luv - iron this, and then go fetch me another beer...."

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't legally defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

The Pope

On a tour of Normandy, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a French soccer jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing English soccer tops roared into view from around the point.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Frenchman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some separatist people trying to divide France and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who the hell was that guy???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope.
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he doesn't know shit about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up anyway?"