Word Association

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passengers that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW! Great!" he thinks. "What a great place to be today."
He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat, and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.
"I am surely blessed", the man thinks. "Here I am, a good Catholic, on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. "Marvellous", he thinks, "not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords too". Maybe he will ask for help. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.
The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything your eminence. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

A Lesson Learned

The picture shows that this soldier has been thru Survival School and learned his lessons well. He's giving the sign of "coercion" with his left hand. These hand signs are taught in survival school to be used by POW's as a method of posing messages back to our intelligence services who may view the photo or video. This guy was obviously being coerced into shaking hands with Hillary Clinton. It's ironic how little she knew that he would so inform us about the photo---perhaps because she's never understood our military to begin with.

MY DADDY, THE DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "he works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected, to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Brian, The Hen

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday night just stinking drunk,as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he woke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long, flowing, white robe.
"Who the hell are you?", demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?!"
The mysterious man answered, "this is not your bedroom, and I'm St.Peter."
Brian was stunned."You mean I'm dead?! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family! You've got to send me back straightaway."
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog, or as a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad," he thought.
Then he felt this strange feeling welling up inside of him.
The farmyard rooster strolled up and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!", replied Brian
"Well, just relax and let it happen." advised the rooster.
And so he did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg , the feeling of happiness was overwhelming, and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head......and heard his wife shouting, "BRIAN, wake up you drunken bastard!You're SHITTING the bed!"

Cartoons

Can this be true???

I think it's time to toss my hat in the ring!


Gold Star Mothers (G.S.M.)is an organization made up of women whose sons were
killed in military combat during service in theUnited StatesArmed Forces.
Recently a dele gation ofNew YorkStateGold Star Mothers made a trip toWashingtonD.C., to discuss various concerns with their elected Representatives.

According to published reports, there was only one politician who refused
to meet with these ladies.
Can you guess which politician
that might be?


Was it New York Senator
Charles Schumer? Nope, he met with them.
Try again . Do y ou know anyone serving
in the Senate who has never showed anything but contempt for our military?
Do you happen to know the name of any politician in Washington, who's husband once wrote of his loathing for the military?

Now you're getting warm! You got it!
None other than the Queen herself, Hillary Rotten Clinton!
She refused repeated requests to meet
with the Gold Star Mothers.
May you sleep in peace always...and please....hug or thank a Veteran for that
privilege

Don't forget, our girl,
Hillary Rodham Clinton,
as a New York Senator, now comes under this fancy congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan.
It's common knowledge that, in order for her to establish NYS residency, they purchased a million+ dollar house in upscaleChappaqua,NY

Makes sense.
Now, they are entitled to Secret Service protection for life.
Still makes sense.

Here is where it becomes interesting. The mortgage payments hover at about $10,000 per month.
BUT, an extra residency had to be built within the acreage in order to house the
Secret Service agents..
The Clinton's now charge the Secret Service $10,000 monthly rent for the
use of said Secret Service residence
and that rent is just about equal to their mortgage payment, meaning that
we, the tax payers, are paying the Clinton's mortgage, their transportation, their safety and security, their 12 man staff.
And it's all perfectly legal.
Something smells really bad here.


Sincerely, Cmdr. Hamilton McWhorter
U.S.N.
(retired)
(Edited for time, by Harry Badger.)
(Formatted to fit your screen, by Pharryl Badger.)

The Baseball Diaries

Bob and Earl were best friends, and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together, and had the best time possible.

They truly loved the game, but they always secretly wondered if there was baseball in heaven, and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and, tell them if there was.

Then one night Earl died, and then a few days later Bob attended his funeral and returned home after the service.

Then the phone rang it was Earl.

Earl said,"Bob! is this you"

Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing, and hey!,is there baseball in heaven?"

Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news."

Bob said, "Whats the good news?"

Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven, and yes, you can play with Babe Ruth, and everybody here is great"

Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?"

Earl said, "Well Bob, you're the starting pitcher, tommorow night!"

Monkey Business

One day, a Highway Patrol cop came upon a bad accident.
A man and a woman were both dead from a car crash. The accident seemed to have no apparent explanation, until the cop looked up on the hillside and saw a monkey waving his arms at him, as if to say something.
The cop yelled, "Hey monkey ... do you know what happened here?"
The monkey began jumping up and down, motioning with his arms, as if he was drinking a bottle of some kind.
Cop: "They were drinking?"
The monkey nodded his head, vigorously.
Cop: "What else?"
The monkey mimed smoking a joint.
Cop: "They were smoking dope?"
Again, the monkey nodded his head vigorously.
Cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"
The monkey began miming sexual intercourse.
Cop: "They were screwing?"
For a third time, the monkey nodded his head.
Cop: "This still doesn't make any sense.
Hey monkey! What were you doing while all this was going on?"
The monkey got all excited and with a huge grin began makin steering motions, as if he was driving the car, while looking behind him.

Lawyers Part VIII

For 3 years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn.

The last time he'd finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' , and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family, than a lawyer."

The Sindian In The Cupboard

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the cupboard, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
A few weeks later, it happens again, and the boy and the lover
end up in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots
and football, and let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible! Overcharging your friends like that. That
is much more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to
Church and make you confess."
They go to the church, and the father makes the boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now."

Memories

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ...

"I would have gotten out today!."

Cowboys

One day, a successful rancher, up and died, and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew that she would need some help,
so she placed an ad in the local newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay cowboy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house, rather than a drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am,and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,waitting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off, "she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!".

Trophies

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year- old who knocks everyone's
socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm
and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to
marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Iowa Pride

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside of a
bar in Melcher , IOWA . After last call the officer
noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he
could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in
which he tried his keys on five different vehicles,
the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He
sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.


Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked
the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some
more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last,
when his was the only car left in the parking lot,
he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.


The police officer, having waited patiently all this
time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!


Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud IOWAN.
"Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Speedy Justice

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th drunk driving conviction.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was soon surrounded by police officers, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation
.Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too