Tuesday, January 30, 2007
It's A Crazy World
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full- time job is to travel the countryside
And deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. The reason? Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
n Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's own weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.
And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts.
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full- time job is to travel the countryside
And deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. The reason? Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
n Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's own weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.
And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
A Helping Hand
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are
you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are
you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Hanging On
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Husband And Wife - A Description
A Husband is a man who:
-gave up privileges he never knew he had.
-is spouse-broken.
-lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.
-made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.
A Wife is a woman who:
-can dish it out but can't cook it.
-dresses to kill and cooks the same way.
-has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills, and has a fed-up husband.
-is a dish-jockey.
-is a husband's bitter half.
-sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never have had if he hadn't married her in the first place.
-gave up privileges he never knew he had.
-is spouse-broken.
-lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.
-made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.
A Wife is a woman who:
-can dish it out but can't cook it.
-dresses to kill and cooks the same way.
-has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills, and has a fed-up husband.
-is a dish-jockey.
-is a husband's bitter half.
-sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never have had if he hadn't married her in the first place.
The Stupids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells
Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note
to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't too bright, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because, it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip, and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested th! e robber two hours later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells
Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note
to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't too bright, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because, it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip, and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested th! e robber two hours later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, January 22, 2007
Clubs
A guy on safari is hacking his way through the jungle when he comes across a clearing and sees a dead elephant and a 3ft 6 inch pygmy standing next, to it looking really pleased with himself. The guy asks him if he has killed the elephant to which the pygmy replies 'yes',
the guy then asks him how he killed it to which the pygmy replies 'with my club'.
The guy then asks him how big his club is to which the pygmy replies
'well there are 120 of us in it'.
the guy then asks him how he killed it to which the pygmy replies 'with my club'.
The guy then asks him how big his club is to which the pygmy replies
'well there are 120 of us in it'.
The Corporate ladder
A corporation is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs... at different levels...some climbing up, and some getting knocked off of the top.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes
Friday, January 19, 2007
The Mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one.
The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls.
The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
top
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one.
The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls.
The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
top
Thursday, January 18, 2007
The Meaning Of Life
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.
After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"
The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to.
The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"
"Is that right" the nun replies?
"Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"
The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to.
The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"
"Is that right" the nun replies?
"Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Animal Bigotry
Canadian wildlife officials are looking for a driver to take a stinky stowaway skunk back to it's home in California.
But the skunk, who survived a seven-day journey across the United States and into Canada without food and water, after being accidentally locked away in a transport truck, is having a hard time finding someone to give her a ride home.
"Releasing her into the wild in Canada is out of the question", one official said.
"It's totally and utterly illegal from a provincial and federal standpoint to release a California skunk in Ontario."
As well, "skunks are very territorial animals ... "They won't just readily accept a stranger in their territory, so there will be a big skunk fight."
While airlines usually agree to return such "accidental travelers" for free, the response has not been positive in this particular case.
"I wouldn't want to fly on a plane with a skunk either," the official stated. "She's not necessarily going to spray, but I'm sure a skunk has never experienced takeoff and landing and those are pretty startling things, and that's usually when they spray."
Skunks can blast their sulfurous spray as far as 3 metres (10 feet) from two anal scent glands, leaving victims with stinging eyes and gasping for air.
Ground transport is the most likely way to get the skunk home, so the Wildlife Center is looking either for a private driver traveling to California or a willing trucking company with the Pacific Coast state on its route.
"At least if you're in a car, you can stop and roll down the windows," the official said. "If you're on a plane for five hours, you don't have a lot of options there."
She added that, despite the problem of finding transport, putting the animal down was out of the question.
"It is a perfectly healthy animal who's just gotten away from its home territory. Certainly, to euthanize it just because she doesn't have a ride home is not a nice option for us."
Those with an idea on how to get the animal home can contact the Toronto Wildlife Center at 1-416-631-0662.
But the skunk, who survived a seven-day journey across the United States and into Canada without food and water, after being accidentally locked away in a transport truck, is having a hard time finding someone to give her a ride home.
"Releasing her into the wild in Canada is out of the question", one official said.
"It's totally and utterly illegal from a provincial and federal standpoint to release a California skunk in Ontario."
As well, "skunks are very territorial animals ... "They won't just readily accept a stranger in their territory, so there will be a big skunk fight."
While airlines usually agree to return such "accidental travelers" for free, the response has not been positive in this particular case.
"I wouldn't want to fly on a plane with a skunk either," the official stated. "She's not necessarily going to spray, but I'm sure a skunk has never experienced takeoff and landing and those are pretty startling things, and that's usually when they spray."
Skunks can blast their sulfurous spray as far as 3 metres (10 feet) from two anal scent glands, leaving victims with stinging eyes and gasping for air.
Ground transport is the most likely way to get the skunk home, so the Wildlife Center is looking either for a private driver traveling to California or a willing trucking company with the Pacific Coast state on its route.
"At least if you're in a car, you can stop and roll down the windows," the official said. "If you're on a plane for five hours, you don't have a lot of options there."
She added that, despite the problem of finding transport, putting the animal down was out of the question.
"It is a perfectly healthy animal who's just gotten away from its home territory. Certainly, to euthanize it just because she doesn't have a ride home is not a nice option for us."
Those with an idea on how to get the animal home can contact the Toronto Wildlife Center at 1-416-631-0662.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Truckin
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head.
When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that" said the trucker. The man said "Yeah". The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head.
When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that" said the trucker. The man said "Yeah". The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
A Refrigerator Tale
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up.
'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'
The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up.
'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
A Good Mule
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Monday, January 08, 2007
Paying Your Dues
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.
Taxidermy
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansaa and orders a white
wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and
the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around
here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Upstate New york."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Upstate New York?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell
is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's
OK boys, he's one of us!"
wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and
the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around
here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Upstate New york."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Upstate New York?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell
is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's
OK boys, he's one of us!"
Friday, January 05, 2007
Cat And Mouse
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Rodeo Cowboys
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Jungle Sex
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Ten Steps To A Cleaner Toilet
This is a great efficient way to clean your Toilet. Follow the following steps:
1)Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2)Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3)In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
4)You may need to stand on the lid.
5)The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
6)Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
7)Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
8)Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
9)The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
10)Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Please note: A small dog can also be used.
1)Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2)Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3)In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
4)You may need to stand on the lid.
5)The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
6)Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
7)Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
8)Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
9)The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
10)Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Please note: A small dog can also be used.
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