Are you sick and tired of making the same resolutions year after year, that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here is a list of my top ten resolutions, that you can use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
5. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
6. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
7. Eat only cloned meat.
8. Create loose ends.
9. Get further in debt.
10. Break at least one traffic law.
11. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
12. Wait around for opportunity.
13. Focus on the faults of others
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Friday, December 29, 2006
The Age Game
A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", was the reply.
"I'm actually 47", the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to a McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's really feeling good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both hands down her panties and begins feeling around.
After a couple minutes of this activity she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That was amazing, how did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's".
-
"About 32", was the reply.
"I'm actually 47", the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to a McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's really feeling good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both hands down her panties and begins feeling around.
After a couple minutes of this activity she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That was amazing, how did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's".
-
Thursday, December 28, 2006
'TWAS THE BILLS AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Norman's Wife
One morning, while Norman and his wife were having breakfast,
the radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through.
So, Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were eating breakfast , the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."
Norman's wife again went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the power went out.
Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on, so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman said
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
the radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through.
So, Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were eating breakfast , the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."
Norman's wife again went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the power went out.
Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on, so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman said
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Monday, December 25, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
WHY I WAS FIRED AFTER THE CHRISTMAS PARTY
A letter of apology...
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my damnedest to come to the picnic......
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my damnedest to come to the picnic......
CHIPMUNKS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE
(to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Frostbite chewing on your nose.
Yuletide carolers being thrown on a fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes.
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right.
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh (slay?)
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from 1 to 92.
Although it's been said many times, many ways;
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Up yours
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Frostbite chewing on your nose.
Yuletide carolers being thrown on a fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes.
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right.
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh (slay?)
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from 1 to 92.
Although it's been said many times, many ways;
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Up yours
Thursday, December 21, 2006
FROSTY THE HIT MAN
Frosty the hit man
was a evil, psycho soul,
with an Uzi and some frag grenades,
and a heart as black as coal!
Frosty the hit man
was a fairy tale they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know
how he blew them all away.
There must have been some magic in those bullets that they found...
For when they put them in his gun he began to mow them down.
Oh Frosty the hit man was as real as he could be.
So he said, "You run, and I'll have some fun!
I'll give you 'till the count of three!"
He chased them down the streets of town right to a traffic cop.
And murdered him in cold blood when he heard him screaming, "STOP!"
Frosty the hit man
had to run and get away.
So he waved good-bye, shouting, "Run and hide!
I'll be back again, someday!"
was a evil, psycho soul,
with an Uzi and some frag grenades,
and a heart as black as coal!
Frosty the hit man
was a fairy tale they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know
how he blew them all away.
There must have been some magic in those bullets that they found...
For when they put them in his gun he began to mow them down.
Oh Frosty the hit man was as real as he could be.
So he said, "You run, and I'll have some fun!
I'll give you 'till the count of three!"
He chased them down the streets of town right to a traffic cop.
And murdered him in cold blood when he heard him screaming, "STOP!"
Frosty the hit man
had to run and get away.
So he waved good-bye, shouting, "Run and hide!
I'll be back again, someday!"
Trees
Two tall trees, a beech, and a birch, are growing in the woods.
One day,a small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
One day,a small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
A Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbours, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree.
As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little shithead across the street so many fucking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really fucking be!
So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!
Sincerely, Johnny
Dear Johnny,
I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little shit! You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!
If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way, then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here!!! Come blow on this! And the socks... well, I figured you are big enough to be whacking off, and those socks would have come in handy and been handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!
And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --always moanin' and whinin'.
Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimbly ever again. If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick them up, 'cause that's about all you're going to get for Christmas. Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.
Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!
Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbours, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree.
As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little shithead across the street so many fucking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really fucking be!
So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!
Sincerely, Johnny
Dear Johnny,
I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little shit! You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!
If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way, then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here!!! Come blow on this! And the socks... well, I figured you are big enough to be whacking off, and those socks would have come in handy and been handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!
And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --always moanin' and whinin'.
Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimbly ever again. If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick them up, 'cause that's about all you're going to get for Christmas. Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.
Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!
Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Making A Wish
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please,"and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again; "The usual?", asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir, just how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"My first wish", he said, "was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please,"and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again; "The usual?", asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir, just how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"My first wish", he said, "was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Redneck Xmas
'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.
The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?
I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"
"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.
I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.
Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.
I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.
A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.
When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.
The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?
I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"
"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.
I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.
Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.
I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.
A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.
When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Holiday Traditions
Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
One year, four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth,and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and a thoroughly irritated Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
One year, four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth,and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and a thoroughly irritated Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The Right Stuff
Leading the fight is Gunnery Sgt Michael Burghardt, known as "Iron Mike" or just "Gunny". He is on his third tour in Iraq. He had become a legend in the bomb disposal world after winning the Bronze Star for disabling 64 IEDs and destroying 1,548 pieces of ordnance during his second tour. Then, on September 19, he got blown up. He had arrived at a chaotic scene after a bomb had killed four US soldiers. He chose not to wear the bulky bomb protection suit.?? "You can't react to any sniper fire and you get tunnel-vision," he explains. So, protected by just a helmet and = standard-issue flak jacket, he began what bomb disposal officers term "the longest walk", stepping gingerly into a 5ft deep and 8ft wide crater.
?
The earth shifted slightly and he saw a Senao base station with a wire leading from it. He cut the wire and used his 7in knife to probe the ground. "I?found a piece of red detonating cord between my legs," he says. "That's when I knew I was screwed."
?
Realizing he had been sucked into a trap, Sgt Burghardt, 35, yelled at everyone to stay back. At that moment, an insurgent, probably watching through binoculars, pressed a button on his mobile phone to detonate the secondary device below the sergeant's feet. "A chill went up the back of my neck and then the bomb exploded," he recalls. "As I was in the air, I remember thinking, 'I don't believe they got me.' I was just ticked-off they were able to do it. Then I was lying on the road, not able to feel anything from the waist down."
?
His colleagues cut off his trousers to see how badly he was hurt. None could believe his legs were still there. "My dad's a Vietnam vet who's paralyzed from the waist down," says Sgt Burghardt. "I was lying there thinking I didn't want to be in a wheelchair next to my dad and for him to see me like that. They started to cut away my pants and I felt a real sharp pain and blood trickling down. Then I wiggled my toes and I thought, "Good, I'm in business."
?
As a stretcher was brought over, adrenaline and anger kicked in. "I decided to walk to the helicopter. I wasn't going to let my team-mates see me being carried away on a stretcher." He stood and gave the insurgents who had blown him up a one-fingered salute. "I flipped them one. It was like, 'OK, I lost that round but I'll be back next week'."
Copies of a photograph depicting his defiance, taken by Jeff Bundy for the Omaha World-Herald, adorn the walls of homes across America and that of Col John Gronski, the brigade commander in Ramadi, who has hailed the image as an exemplar of the warrior spirit. Sgt Burghardt's injuries - burns and wounds to his legs and buttocks - kept him off duty for nearly a month and could have earned him a ticket home. But, like his father - who was awarded a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts for being wounded in action in Vietnam - he stayed in Ramadi to engage
Monday, December 11, 2006
Old Age
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she
said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise!"
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."
his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she
said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise!"
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Kenny The Rooster
An American farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell to him.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great Australian rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the Australian rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake.
Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough the farmer wakens the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what's happened".
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great Australian rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the Australian rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake.
Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough the farmer wakens the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what's happened".
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
A Simpler Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as 'EuroEnglish':
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 percent shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as 'EuroEnglish':
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 percent shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!
Friday, December 01, 2006
The Nudist
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to
wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me? "
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies
down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room
toward him,
"Did you call for me? " says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean? " says the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has
his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist,
"May I help you? " she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card.
You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership
fee. I'm outta here"
"But, Sir, " she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. "
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to
wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me? "
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies
down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room
toward him,
"Did you call for me? " says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean? " says the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has
his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist,
"May I help you? " she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card.
You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership
fee. I'm outta here"
"But, Sir, " she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. "
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
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