Badger's New Years Resolutions

Are you sick and tired of making the same resolutions year after year, that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here is a list of my top ten resolutions, that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

5. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

6. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

7. Eat only cloned meat.

8. Create loose ends.

9. Get further in debt.

10. Break at least one traffic law.

11. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

12. Wait around for opportunity.

13. Focus on the faults of others

Potential & Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

The Age Game

A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", was the reply.
"I'm actually 47", the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to a McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's really feeling good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both hands down her panties and begins feeling around.
After a couple minutes of this activity she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned the woman says, "That was amazing, how did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's".

-

'TWAS THE BILLS AFTER CHRISTMAS

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

Norman's Wife

One morning, while Norman and his wife were having breakfast,
the radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through.

So, Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast , the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

Norman's wife again went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."

Then the power went out.

Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on, so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman said

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Christmas

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!
































Just Kidding.

WHY I WAS FIRED AFTER THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

A letter of apology...



When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my damnedest to come to the picnic......

CHIPMUNKS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

(to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)



Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Frostbite chewing on your nose.
Yuletide carolers being thrown on a fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes.

Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right.
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh (slay?)
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from 1 to 92.

Although it's been said many times, many ways;
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Up yours

FROSTY THE HIT MAN

Frosty the hit man
was a evil, psycho soul,
with an Uzi and some frag grenades,
and a heart as black as coal!

Frosty the hit man
was a fairy tale they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know
how he blew them all away.

There must have been some magic in those bullets that they found...
For when they put them in his gun he began to mow them down.

Oh Frosty the hit man was as real as he could be.
So he said, "You run, and I'll have some fun!
I'll give you 'till the count of three!"

He chased them down the streets of town right to a traffic cop.
And murdered him in cold blood when he heard him screaming, "STOP!"

Frosty the hit man
had to run and get away.
So he waved good-bye, shouting, "Run and hide!
I'll be back again, someday!"

Trees

Two tall trees, a beech, and a birch, are growing in the woods.
One day,a small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbours, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree.
As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little shithead across the street so many fucking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really fucking be!
So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!
Sincerely, Johnny

Dear Johnny,
I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little shit! You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!
If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way, then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here!!! Come blow on this! And the socks... well, I figured you are big enough to be whacking off, and those socks would have come in handy and been handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!
And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --always moanin' and whinin'.
Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimbly ever again. If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick them up, 'cause that's about all you're going to get for Christmas. Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.
Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!
Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa

Christmas Humor?

The Latest Trend In Luxury Travel

Making A Wish

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please,"and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again; "The usual?", asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir, just how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"My first wish", he said, "was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Redneck Xmas

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"

"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.

I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.


When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

Holiday Traditions

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
One year, four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth,and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and a thoroughly irritated Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The Right Stuff

Leading the fight is Gunnery Sgt Michael Burghardt, known as "Iron Mike" or just "Gunny". He is on his third tour in Iraq. He had become a legend in the bomb disposal world after winning the Bronze Star for disabling 64 IEDs and destroying 1,548 pieces of ordnance during his second tour. Then, on September 19, he got blown up. He had arrived at a chaotic scene after a bomb had killed four US soldiers. He chose not to wear the bulky bomb protection suit.?? "You can't react to any sniper fire and you get tunnel-vision," he explains. So, protected by just a helmet and = standard-issue flak jacket, he began what bomb disposal officers term "the longest walk", stepping gingerly into a 5ft deep and 8ft wide crater.
?
The earth shifted slightly and he saw a Senao base station with a wire leading from it. He cut the wire and used his 7in knife to probe the ground. "I?found a piece of red detonating cord between my legs," he says. "That's when I knew I was screwed."
?
Realizing he had been sucked into a trap, Sgt Burghardt, 35, yelled at everyone to stay back. At that moment, an insurgent, probably watching through binoculars, pressed a button on his mobile phone to detonate the secondary device below the sergeant's feet. "A chill went up the back of my neck and then the bomb exploded," he recalls. "As I was in the air, I remember thinking, 'I don't believe they got me.' I was just ticked-off they were able to do it. Then I was lying on the road, not able to feel anything from the waist down."
?
His colleagues cut off his trousers to see how badly he was hurt. None could believe his legs were still there. "My dad's a Vietnam vet who's paralyzed from the waist down," says Sgt Burghardt. "I was lying there thinking I didn't want to be in a wheelchair next to my dad and for him to see me like that. They started to cut away my pants and I felt a real sharp pain and blood trickling down. Then I wiggled my toes and I thought, "Good, I'm in business."
?
As a stretcher was brought over, adrenaline and anger kicked in. "I decided to walk to the helicopter. I wasn't going to let my team-mates see me being carried away on a stretcher." He stood and gave the insurgents who had blown him up a one-fingered salute. "I flipped them one. It was like, 'OK, I lost that round but I'll be back next week'."
Copies of a photograph depicting his defiance, taken by Jeff Bundy for the Omaha World-Herald, adorn the walls of homes across America and that of Col John Gronski, the brigade commander in Ramadi, who has hailed the image as an exemplar of the warrior spirit. Sgt Burghardt's injuries - burns and wounds to his legs and buttocks - kept him off duty for nearly a month and could have earned him a ticket home. But, like his father - who was awarded a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts for being wounded in action in Vietnam - he stayed in Ramadi to engage

Old Age

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she
said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise!"
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."

Kenny The Rooster

An American farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell to him.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great Australian rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the Australian rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake.
Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough the farmer wakens the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what's happened".
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

A Simpler Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as 'EuroEnglish':
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 percent shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!

The Nudist

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to
wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me? "
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies
down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room
toward him,
"Did you call for me? " says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean? " says the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has
his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist,
"May I help you? " she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card.
You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership
fee. I'm outta here"
"But, Sir, " she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. "
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

The Power Of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

Ferries

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

A Little Christmas Cheer

One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy.
I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed girl, who guessed was about 12 years old. She was short and thin, and had no coat.
She was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect her from the cold winter night's chill.
Oddly enough, she was holding a hundred dollar bill in her hand.
Thinking that she had gotten separated from her parents and was lost, I asked her what was wrong. She told me her sad story, she said that she came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. Her father had died when she was 9 years old. Her mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.
Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts for her children. The young girl had been dropped off by her mother on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home.
She had not even entered the mall, when a young man grabbed one of the $100 bills and disappeared into the night.
Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
"I did." said the girl.
"And no one came to help you?" I wondered.
The girl stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook her head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft spoken little girl looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard this poor girl's cry for help.
So I grabbed her other $100 bill, and bolted for my car.

Mick Jagger

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate, that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick , and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog his loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

Assholes

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

The 1st Thanksgiving According To George W.

Thanksgiving is a holiday where, ya know, we give thanks to America's 1st President Jesus Christ.
See President Jesus gave us a good, a really good harvest of wheat and corn and apple pies.Now us Americans used to be called Pilgrims because that's what Jesus said. And Jesus told the Pilgrims to leave England and sail to the New World on this giant ship called Noah's Ark. The trip was very hard because the ship hit an iceberg and Leonardo DiCaprio drowned.When the Pilgrims landed on the Plymouth Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, they settled and became uh, settlers.
Then they built stuff like condos and Starbucks. But Starbucks only served tea, not coffee. The settlers protested this and tossed the tea in the river while
dancing and having fun. This was called the Boston Tea Party. The roof was set on fire and then raised. Somebody let the dogs out. And reportedly, they
partied like it was their birthday.
But there was an evil Terrorist organization plotting to destroy the good Pilgrim people. These Terrorists were known as... Turkeys.These Turkeys stuffed themselves until they exploded, destroying villages and women.One Turkey even kidnapped Jean Claude van Damme.So President Jesus decided to form a coalition of the willing with the United Nations of Benetton. This included the Pilgrims and the Natives.
The Native people, who today we call Indians, were famous for their maizes. They liked to solve the maizes and then do a naked rain dance so their God, named
Buddha, would bless them with ripe melons on their women with names like Little Big Horns.Anyway, the Turkeys did not like our freedoms. They wanted to destroy our homes. The suicide-Turkeys tricked us into eating them... then we would get very
sleepy from their biological weapon... Tryptophan. The Pilgrims would fall asleep and then the Turkeys would raise the price of oil.
But we had a plan to stay the course. The men went out shooting and they shot many delicious wild Terrorist turkeys while the Vice President shot his friend
in the face.Both are traditions we carry on to this day!Sure, some Turkeys were tortured and some Turkeys were raped, but things like this happen when you are fighting against an evil army of flightless birds.The Pilgrim and Indian men also shot deers, ducks, and sweet potatoes.So the Pilgrim mothers, of which my mother Barbara was a founding member, said thus, "Let us invite these friendly red skinned Native people so we may
rejoice." Rejoice means to joice again. Which eventually became the state of New Joicey.
The Indians came to the party lead by Chief Wahoo. The Indians were friendly but lacked depth in their starting rotation.The Indians were dressed in bizarre outfits of deer skins and feathers with their faces painted. "How weird!," the Pilgrims exclaimed as they adjusted the
belt buckles on their hats.At the Thanksgiving, before they ate anything, the Pilgrims and the Indians thanked God for all his goodness. Of course, the Pilgrim-Americans thanked the
REAL God while the Indians thanked their FALSE hooey-booey, mumbo-jumbo gods.
The Indians sang songs and danced and drank and drank and drank. They reminded the Pilgrims of the Irish.The drunk Pilgrims celebrated by shooting their muskets in the air. The drunk Indians shot their bows & arrows into the air. Sadly, one of the arrows flew
back down to Earth and pierced right through the head of a Pilgrim. He became America's first stand-up comedian.
All this happened nearly four hundred million years ago, and ever since that time Thanksgiving has been celebrated in our country.Sometimes Thanksgiving is called Christmas.In France, they call Thanksgiving D-Day.So every year we stop to say "Thanks!" to Jesus for all of the things He's given to us instead of to the people of Africa and Mexico. This is why we eat as
much as we can... to remember that there are people in Africa and Mexico who have nothing to eat.
Suckers.

A Thanksgiving Love Story

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there.
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you in my arms through the door.
Laying you down, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove the wrap, from around your body , exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft skin ,and making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, running them over the beads of water, causing them to trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was prepared, before we even came through the door.
As I lay you down, your legs spread wide open . You are ready now, and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, and you take it willingly. I push it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in. You are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot.
The heat lasts for hours , until your sweet juices escape from within.
Finally I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating more, with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you,
"You surely are the best turkey, I have ever had."

A White Trash Thanksgiving

Signs You're Going To Have A White Trash Tranksgiving

- Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Uncle Peter, who got stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" falling into all the women, and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human flesh, as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

The Half--Wit

There was a man who owned a small ranch in Texas.
One day, The Wage & Hour Dept. of the Gov't. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees, and dispatched an agent out to investigate him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to! The half-wit," says the agent. "Is he here?"
"That would be me," replied the rancher.

Ice Cream

A penguin was driving in the desert when his car started to cough and splutter, but he managedto coax the car to the nearest garage.
On arrival at the garage, he noticed a giraffe. He asked the giraffe if he knew anything about cars? The giraffe said that he was the chief mechanic and asked, what was the problem?
The penguin told the giraffe about the problem with the car. The giraffe apologised, and said that it would be about an hour before he could look at the car, and suggested that the penguin go for something to eat in the nearby cafe .
What a good idea thought the penguin, and proceeded to the cafe. After perusing the menu he ordered a LARGE portion of vanilla ice-cream. The waitress brought the LARGE portion of vanilla ice-cream and a spoon.
"Don't be stupid said the penguin. I have flippers, not hands. How do you expect me to use a spoon?"
The penguin then proceeded to eat the ice cream with his flippers, and made quite a mess. After the penguin had finished his ice cream, he to returned to the garage, to find out about the problem with his car. He asked the mechanic what the problem was with his car?
The mechanic said "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin replied, "Fuck,No! That's vanilla ice-cream!"
-

Texans

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

Hell (PT XVIII)

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs
out!
If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding?
I love drugs! You don't mean . . "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Mermaids

On a farm out in the country, lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke. While looking out the window toward the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in thefield. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

The oldest son woke to discover his parents dead (andthe cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he reached the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

The second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), itwas not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up, saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went downto the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in arow?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?

The Pig

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the grill of my truck. He's still wriggling . What should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

Choices

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His Mother was Jewish and his father was African-American.
So Johnny asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more African-American?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure, you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more African-American?"
"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the damn thing."

The Meaning Of Cheap

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers, because it's soooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

The Snake And The Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny." I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake."To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. Say! What kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny."I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
The snake felt the bunny up, and he said,"Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny !"
Then the bunny said,"I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, so the bunny agreed to examine him. When he was finished, the snake asked,"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny replied,"You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls...
You must be a lawyer."

Spooning

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!

Third Grade

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has the largest dick," he says.
"Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width.
The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
"No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Ex-Lax

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. '
Just then a man came in coughing, and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

Chuckie

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet rooster."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the rooster down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

Black November

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of.....Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin."

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink."
"And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...."

Language Barriers

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Fine Feathered Friends

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Choosing Sides

One day, a tough looking biker burst into a saloon, strutted up to the bar, grabbed the bartender by his shirtfront, and growled,"Gimme a fuckin beer!"
He gulped it down, turned to the people at the left end of the bar, and growled, "All you down there... You're all a bunch of cock suckers!"
It got real quiet for a moment, and then the biker growled again, "gimme another fuckin beer"!
He downed the second beer and turned to the patrons on the right side of the bar, and swore, "You're all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers."
The bar got dead quiet, and suddenly a tall skinny guy on the right side stood up.
The biker growled, "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
The tall skinny guy replied, "Sorry but I just realized, I'm on the wrong side of the bar."

Setting An Example

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself
tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded.
"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that?"
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.

The woman replied,
"That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after
she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

Rednecks And Chickens

Two rednecks met on a dusty country road. One of them was carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" said the other guy.
"Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," said the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other one scratched his head, thought for a moment, and said, "Umm...... five?"

Hunting Dogs

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim worth a damn.

Rabbits

One day, a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory, where he had been born and brought up. As he hopped away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey!" he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. He hopped over to them, and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. You really must try it."
Well, he spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely spent, he stagger-hopped back over to his new friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," he replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Tigers And Lawyers

Two tigers were walking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the ass of the tiger in front of him.
The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out."
The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth

A New York Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Brothers

One evening after a few rounds of beer, two brothers decided to settle a dispute by fighting, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."
The first brother, named Arnie, got his brother Petey down, and was hammering him unmercifully.
After while, Petey called out several times, "Enough!"
Arnie paid no attention, and kept on hitting him.
Finally, a bystander shouted, "Why don't you let him up? Didn't you hear him say that he's had enough?"
"I did," said Arnie, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe anything he says.

Rats

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Ten Reasons Why Wesley WeaselKiller Likes Prison

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON........ you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they call them managers.

A Little Game

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . .


Don't stop.

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name .

Almost there........

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?







Of course not.......stupid!
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

Idiots

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A Cowboy's Dog

A cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer.
About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree.
The cowboy tells him that its his.
The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat."
The cowboy answers, "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool cause he's tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."
The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex."
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!"

Arthritis

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Blondes Part XVI

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Love Letters

Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Signed Your Ex-Wife P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your brother and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee be cause the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Rich as Hell and Free P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

How To Save The Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't
even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least
triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying
again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle
it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

A Letter From Grandma

Dear Badger;
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.
Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there e, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of th e moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Tony

The country was in such a terrible state,
Parliament rose for a budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Gordy spoke
When he did he said "Sex will cost ten quid a poke"
Whether you're short, long, skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick,

Chris Smith said "Now Gordon look here,
Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer ?"
Mandy arose and looked very glum,
"Will I be exempt coz I only like bum"
Gordon replied and sounded quite airy
"You'll fucking pay double, you dirty old fairy"

Up got Hague to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Margaret Beckett, and whipped off her drawers
He straddled across her and fucked her at will
Then shouted at Gordon "Put that on your bill"
Prescott shouted "I think I'll resign
I haven't had pussy for a very long time
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch
But ten quid a jump is a bit fucking much"

The debate carried on, oh what a night
Many were bonking any woman in sight
The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too
And in the excitement, the dumb bill got through

So now in the bedrooms of England each night
There's many a fanny closed up good and tight
They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes
If ten quid a time is the price we must pay,
It's now with ourselves we are forced to play,
So to quench our frustration, we must have a wank
For the state of our country, we have Tony to thank.

Farmer Jed's Mule

Farmer Jed decided his injuries from his recent accident, were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible, to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Jed.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Jed's answer and told the lawyer so.
"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

A PARROT'S PRAYER

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Hillbilly Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........ Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

A Shocking Affair

The husband leaned over, and asked his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern, and you leaned against the back fence, and I made love to you?"
"Yes, she said. "I remember it well."
"OK," he said. "How about taking a stroll around there , and we can do it again, for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil. That sounds like a crazy idea! But ok!"
There was a police officer sitting in the next booth, listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thought to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he followed them, as they walked along, leaning on each other for support, and aided by walking sticks. Finally they got to the back of the tavern and made their way to the fence.
The old lady lifted her skirt, and the old man dropped his trousers. As she leaned against the fence, the old man moved in.
Suddenly they erupted into the most furious sex, that the police officer had ever seen. This went on for about ten minutes. Both were making loud noises, and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapsed on the ground. The police officer was amazed.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground , the old couple struggled to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman thought, "I've got to ask them what their secret is".
As the couple passed, he said to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man replied, "Nope! Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence!"

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator onto its back, and shouted , "Damn it! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Nursing

A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her
psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I
tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer
and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,
too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to
live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large,
beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well,
go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

The Bet

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.......

A Healthy Life

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."

Shipping Out

A depressed young blonde was so depressed, that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

ILLIEGAL IMMIGRATION, AND WHY IT BOTHERS ME

62% of all "undocumented immigrants" in the United States are working for cash and not paying taxes, predominantly illegal aliens, working without a green card;

95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens;

83% of warrants for murder in Phoenix are for illegal aliens;

86% of warrants for murder in Albuquerque are for illegal aliens;

75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles, Phoenix, and Albuquerque are illegal aliens;

More than 380,000 "anchor babies" were born in the United States in 2005 were to parents who are illegal aliens; making those 380,000 babies automatically U.S. citizens. 97.2% of all costs incurred from those births were paid by the American taxpayer;

More than 66% of all births in California are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal whose births were paid for by taxpayers;


29% (630,000) convicted illegal alien felons fill our state and federal prisons at a cost of $1.6 billion annually;

More than 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages

More than 53% of all investigated burglaries reported in California , New Mexico , Nevada , Arizona and Texas are perpetrated by illegal aliens;

More than half of all gang members in Los Angeles are illegal aliens from south of t he border;

More than 43% of all Food Stamps issued are to illegal aliens;

More than 41% of all unemployment checks issued in the United States are to illegal aliens;

58% of all Welfare payments in the United States are issued to illegal aliens;


14 out of 31 TV stations in L.A. are Spanish-only;

16 out of 28 TV stations in Phoenix are Spanish-only;

15 out of 24 TV stations in Albuquerque are Spanish-only;

21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish-only;

17 radio stations in Phoenix are Spanish-only;

17 radio stations in Albuquerque are Spanish-only;

More than 34% of Arizona students in grades 1-12 are illegal aliens;

More than 24% of Arizona students in grades 1-12 are non-English-speaking;

More than 39% of California students in grades 1-12 are illegal aliens;

More than 42% of California students in grades 1-12 are non-English-speaking

In Los Angeles County , 5.1 million people speak English. 3.9 million speak Spanish;

More than 71% of all apprehended cars stolen in 2005 in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and California were stolen by illegal aliens or transport coyotes";

47% of cited/stopped drivers in California have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 47%, 92% are illegal aliens;

63% of cited/stopped drivers in Arizona have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 63%, 97% are illegal aliens;

66% of cited/stopped drivers in New Mexico have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 66%, 98% are illegal aliens;

Less than 2% of illegal aliens in the United States are picking crops , but 41% are on welfare;

Over 70% of the United States annual population growth (and over 90% of California , Florida , and New York ) results from immigration;

The cost of immigration to the American taxpayer in 1997 was a NET (after subtracting taxes immigrants pay) $70 BILLION a year, [Professor Donald Huddle, Rice University ];

The estimated profit to U.S. corporations and businesses employing ILLEGAL aliens in 2005 was more than $2.36 TRILLION dollars;

The lifetime fiscal impact (taxes paid minus services used) for the average adult Mexican ILLEGAL alien is $55,000.00 cost to the American taxpayer in a 5-year span. You, personally, are giving $11,000 every year to an illegal alien.

Martinis

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished his drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then ordered the bartender to prepare another.
After he finished that drink, he again looked inside his shirt pocket, and ordered the bartender to bring a third double martini.
With his curiosity aroused, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket, before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."