A Schitty Post

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced theSchitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt

Fishing With Grandpa

One day, Little Johnny and his grandfather had gone fishing. After a while grandpa got thirsty and opened up his cooler for a beer.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa can I have a beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa grunted back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough!" Grandpa then took out a cigarette and lit up. Little Johnny saw this and asked for one too."
Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" growled grandpa .
"No"
"Well, than your still not big enough"
Little Johnny got upset and pulled out some cookies, that his grandma had packed him.
His grandfather noticed this and said, "Hey kid, those cookies look pretty good. Can I have one?" Little Johnny replied, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looked at Johnny and laughed. "Well of course I can. I'm big enough."
Little Johnny shouted, "Well, then go fuck yourself! These are my cookies"

A Stinking Holiday

DES MOINES, Iowa - It was a stinky holiday for Robert Schoff.
The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.
"It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," Schoff said Tuesday. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had.
Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog,(big turd) but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.
The 5-foot-5-inch, 135-pound Schoff hollered and screamed for help, but it was an hour before his wife, Toni, walked by a window and saw his feet in the air.
"I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out," Toni Schoff said.
She called 911 and two Polk County sheriff's deputies yanked her husband out of the tank.
"I thought it was the end of my life," Schoff said. "Thank God my wife saw me. I don't think I could have stood staying in there much more."

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Las Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a
conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much
do you charge?"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give
it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is
sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed,
he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that
casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth
every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign
me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than
before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his
money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings
for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the
hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to
show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas
is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces,
and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No", the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Ghosts

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his system extremely upset.
Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he
decided the latest was another and stayed put. Unfortunately
for him, this wasn't a false alarm and he soiled his bed
linens terribly.
He was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his
feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up
and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat
the shit out of a ghost!"

Murphy's Law

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

Boating

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'
The old woman fainted .

A Tale Of Two Willies

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.
The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Newfoundlander got the job

Lawyers Part VIII

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Heart Attacks

Late, one morning, a married fellow comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," she cries .
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!!!" says the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack, and all you do, is run around the house naked, scaring the kids!"

Parrots Part IV

One day, a lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot, on display, spoke up and said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
The lady was at first shocked, and then became furious, but continued on her way.
On the way back home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
She was so angry and incredibly annoyed, that she went into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue the store, and have the bird killed.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."

Hillbillies Part V

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone.
After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move.
One evening,while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house.
He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.
The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him.
The man quickly accepted the offer and was relived to finally have some company.
Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking."
The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do some drinking."
The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting."
The man said, " that's OK too, and like to do a little fighting."
Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some sex."
The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?"
The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?"
The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."

Milk

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing!
He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!"

Name Change

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honour."

A Vaseline survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Smelling Wood

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at
the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his
office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood
in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager
decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the
blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it
around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I
know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom
door off a tuna boat!"

A Tale Of Two Spiders

One day, a father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled, as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He saw that she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked."
They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Long-legs," her father answered.
"Well, is the other one a Mommy Long-legs?
He laughed to himself at such a cute and innocent question, then replied "No dear. Both of them are DaddyLong-legs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment. Then she took her foot and stomped them flat, and said,
"Well, we're not having Any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.

Another Mining Disaster

XINTAI, China (Reuters) - More than 180 coal miners were trapped underground and feared dead in eastern China on Saturday after a rain-swollen river burst a levee and flooded two separate shafts, the latest blow to the world's deadliest mining industry.

The trapped miners had only a "slim chance" of survival, Wang Ziqi, director of the Shandong coal mine safety administration, told Xinhua.
"Nobody came up today, so everyone is waiting," a Xintai resident told Reuters by telephone. "It doesn't look good."
President Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao urged local officials to spare no effort to reach the trapped miners as soon as possible.
The scene of weary emergency workers and anxious relatives echoed a mine accident in the United States, which has a much cleaner safety record but where three people have died trying to save six miners trapped in a Utah coal mine.

Mining is risky worldwide, but China's coal industry is deadlier than any other country's, with about 2,163 coal miners killed in 1,320 accidents in the first seven months of the year.

It was not known at what level most of the miners were trapped, (Seems to be a reoccuring theme), but 14 were 30 metres (100 feet) underground, according to Xinhua.


China relies on coal for most of its energy needs.
Last year, 4,746 people were killed in thousands of blasts, floods and other mining accidents. While this year's record had been improving, the level is far worse than in other major coal-producing nations.
The U.S. Department of Labor, for instance, had recorded 14 coal mine deaths as of August 10 this year. Chinese officials estimate that China now suffers 1.485 mine deaths for every million tonnes of coal produced, compared with about 0.04 U.S. deaths for every million tonnes that country produced in 2005.

Time Change

Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a stolen car, heading east towards Georgia on I-90.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately.
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"
"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge.
"He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."