Lawyers Part-XVI

One day, there was a lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eagerly showing it off to his colleagues; when all of the sudden, an eighteen wheeler appeared out of nowhere, and tore off the driver's side door, with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed. He knew that no matter which mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RIPPED OFF BY SOME CRAZY TRUCK DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer, aren't you?" stated the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm was missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his arm and screamed, "MY ROLEX!"

Elevators

One day, an Amish boy and his father were visiting the city. While looking for a restroom, in the lobby of an office building, they were amazed upon seeing two shiny, silver walls that would part and then close back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father watched wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them. The walls closed, swallowing her up, and the boy and his father looked on, while small numbered circle above the walls lit up. After a few moments, the circles began to light up, in reverse order. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Boy, Go get your mother."

A Redneck's Letter From Home

Dearest Son;
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers, when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Hank was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

Home Invasion

"Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders making it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.


Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house)."


According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends Who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest...
um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it, without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being anti-housebreaker.

Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America....

A Religion Of Peace Demonstration ????

These Pictures tell it all! Muslims have stated that England will be the first country they take over! These are pictures not shown on American TV or in American Newspapers (as they might help Bush's war on terror), but were forwarded to me by a Canadian Friend who thought Americans ought to know! These pictures are of Muslims marching through the streets of London during their recent "Religion of Peace Demonstration."

There is something very wrong with this world, when someone can stand in front of a Policeman, and threaten the country he lives in, and the Policeman is powerless to cave the fucker's skull in, with his nightstick.

Why would anyone think that we should be at war with such nice, peaceful Moslems?

The Seven Kinds Of Sex

The 1st kind of sex, is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex, is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex, is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex, is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have beenwith your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex, is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind of sex, is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front ofeveryone.
Don't forget the 7th kind, called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Hillbillies And Sex

There's this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore "bout ol 'nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread 'n 'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw."
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior. wh-whut's that?"
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'."
"You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior...."

Speakin Hillbilly

Aig - What a hen lays

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin clothes

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub done burned out

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Deppity - He heps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Orrel - My car needs an orrel change

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rat - Do it rat now

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Yurp - A continent overseas

Bar Hopping

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them.
"I've got it, follow me." said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"

Crazies

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Why Men, Are Happier Creatures

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth..
The world is your urinal.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Piss

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.”
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty.
The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!”
“Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.”

A Big Baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said
that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby"
weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they
congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the
typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How
much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh
twenty
pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup . . . just had him
circumcised!"

Gone To Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, " why so glum?"
The guy responded, " What do you think? I'm in Hell "
"Hell's not so bad, " The Demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
" Sure" the man said, "I love to drink."
" Well you're gonna love mondays. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! "
The guy is astounded. " Damn, that sounds great. "
" You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
" You're gonna love Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie you're already dead, remember? "
" Wow, the guy said, that's awesome! "
The demon continued. " I bet you like to gamble."
" Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
" Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, " are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean....."
" That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, so who cares!"
"Wow" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The Demon said, " you gay?"
"No"
"Oooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

The Hunting Trip

A man and his friend, went on a hunting trip. It was Joe's first time hunting, so he was following Bob's lead.
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay where he was, and to be quiet!
Bob walked off, and after a few minutes, heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said "There was a large snake and he slithered across my feet, but that didn't make me scream.
Then there was a bear that came up to me and growled, but that didn't make me scream either."
"So then what the fuck made you scream," Bob asked, exasperated.
"Well," Joe said, "These two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat them now?""

A Church Parrot

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.
The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
"If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."
"That'll work?" asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

A Night At The Movies

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

A Wal-Mart Greeting

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome toWal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't. The oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
" No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Little Old Ladies

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 Bill flies out of it, onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills Falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up To the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and Each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I Say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Humorous Thoughts

How can you tell who's the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that had a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work, in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say," fuck"?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo!".