Posties

There was a man who worked for the Post Office . His job was processing all mail with poorly written addresses. One day, a letter came addressed to God, in shaky handwriting . He decided to open it, to see what it was about.

The letter read,
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his co- workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady, and addressed to God. Everyone gathered round, while the letter was opened.

It read; Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4.00 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
The guy said "No." and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.
The end.

Back In The Saddle Again !!!

Whew!! It's been a wild and woolly ten day ride. Who would of thought that his friends would get him drunk, pack him in a box, and ship him to Afghanistan for bleeping Christmas. Not fucking me!!! The fact that I was given a flashlight and a couple of snickers bars, doesn't lessen my shock and dismay , not to mention my anger, one little bit.
Packed in a crate, marked as "Earthquake Relief Supplies", was not the way I had expected to spend my Christmas. Left with my ID, and a credit card. I guess my so called drinking buddies, figured I could just walk to the nearest 7-11 in Buttfuck Afganistan,(the locals refer to it as Shahr-i-Buzurg), and call a taxi to take me to the nearest airport. The country has a ratio of a whopping 1.4 cars, for every 1000 people. Thank god for those Canadian relief workers, especially the one who did those funny dances, for no apparent reason. She was either very happy, or a little touched in the head, but that's another story. They managed to get me on a plane back to reality.

Christmas From A Woman's Perspective

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's taking so long, aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

Christmas in New York

Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the woods,
Not a creature was stirring, not even the hoods.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they'd all still be there.
Me an this skank, were getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for a head.

When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!
I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin' fat guy!

With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight, he looked, like Dom DeLouise.
He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.

As he crept off the roof, it became so clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.

I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!
He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn't see blood.

Instead he rolled over, looked at me in the eye.
When I saw who I'd hit, I near started to cry.
I said "Hey 'yo Santa, I'm sorry all right?"
"Not for nuttin" he said, "but this just ain't my night!"

"I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns."
"Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf's got the runs..."
"I'm out all freakin' night, I'm bustin' my hump."
"But I can't finish now, not with this lump!"

"So do me a favor, and be a real pal."
"Take over for me...be Santa, Sal."
I say 'Yo! I'm from Brooklyn, I ain't right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.

He made me a offer, I couldn't refuse.
Stop at every house....and this will you amuse.
I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.

Took off on my mission, didn't want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin' my date.
That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don't believe that...hey, jingle dis!

Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat, and he's old.
I'm his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don't you be surprised.

If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
"Merry Christmas to all, yo!,thanks alot...eh - shutup!"

Jail

Twas the night before Christmas,And all through the cells,
The convicts were locked up, All madder than hell.
Except for the lifers, kicked back in their bunks,
Heads filled with visions, of fat little punks

When suddenly from the roof top, there arose such a roar,
that the bulls thought it was, a riot for sure.
The goon squad ran in, and stood ready to hit.
A big guard yelled out,"Who started this shit".

"It came from the roof top", sniveled a snitch.
It must be a breakout, "Oh, son of a bitch"
They climbed to the rooftop, by way of the stairs.
Found a fat bastard, in red underwear.

"No, No", yelled the dude."I bring you good cheer."
"Damn!", said the Captain. "We found us a queer."
"Alright mother fucker! Get your hands on the wall."
They shook him down good, asshole and all.

They found him a cell, and heaved him in, with a kick.
Well so much for Christmas. They locked up St. Nick

The Night Before Christmas Part1

Twas the night before Christmas old Santa was pissed, He cussd out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, Ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind, To scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night, the elves want more money, And the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is Pregnant, Vixon has AIDS
And just when I thought That things would get better, The IRS, They sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes, If that aint damn funny.. Who ever sends ME any money?

Surprises

One evening, after work, a man stopped by his local bar for a beer. He struck up a conversation with a woman sitting on the stool next to him. The attraction was mutual, which led to dinner, and continued into an invitation for a nightcap. This in turn led to a night long session of lovemaking. The next morning he noticed a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. Panic set in, and he began to get worried.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asked.
"No, silly!," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continued
."No, nothing like that!" she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquired, hopefully.
"No, no, no!!!" she answered.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demanded.
" That's me, before the operation", she replied.

FLORIDA

Florida (Reuters)
Day 2 - Florida Blizzard 2005- Revenge of the Commuters

Chilled Florida commuters faced their second day of winter hell today,as an additional ¼ inch of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower half of the state to its knees, and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops.
Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particle and experts from Minnesota are being flown in.
With temperatures dipping to near zero , Floridians were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out. Miami police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso, or biscotti to see them through Florida's most terrible storm to date.
The local Walmart reported, that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive. Although most have no idea how to use it. Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority
reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25
below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Target.
"The government has to do something," snarled an angry movie star. "I didn't pay $940,000 for my one bedroom condo, so I could sit around and be treated like someone from New York."

The Accident

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident one snowy, cold Monday morning. It was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So!.... You're a man. That's interesting! Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're both ok. This must be a sign from God that we should meet, and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine to celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Rednecks

Mujibar

Mujibar was a foreigner, who was trying to get into America, legally by going through through Immigration. His last hurdle was a meeting with an immigration official.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink And Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I Am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I Pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar passed his test, and now lives in San Francisco, California, and works at the Immigration help desk.

Amber Alert!!!

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a 'date-rape drug' called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form, and is available nearly everywhere!
"Beer" as it is commonly referred to, is used by 'female predators' to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "Beers," and then ask him home for 'no-strings-attached Sex', .... a simple approach that renders most men helpless.
After several "Beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship!" In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage!" Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "Beer" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know! And, if you or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured, .... male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses!

T.G.I.F VS S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back at her and once again said , "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it,duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Air Travel

One day a business man was taking his seat on his company's corporate jet, when he suddenly noticed that there was a parrot strapped in next to him. He was shocked at the site, but shrugged it off. As the plane reached it's cruising altitude, he summoned the flight attendant and asked for a coffee.
As he finished his request, the parrot squawked, “And get me a whisky, you cow!”
The stewardess, was so flustered, that she brought back a whisky for the parrot and forgot the man's coffee. He summoned her again to take his order, and suddenly
the parrot drained its glass and cried “And get me another whisky you bitch!”
Visibly upset, the girl returned, with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such poor service, the man decided to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Get it now, you stupid bitch!”
Suddenly, both he and the parrot were grabbed, dragged to the emergency exit, and thrown from the plane by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turned to the businessman and said…“For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a mouthy bastard

The Phone Call

There were several men sitting around, in the locker room of a private club, after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rang . One of the men picked it up, and said,
“Hello?”
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00.”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much … ”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year … ”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000 … ”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! But before we hang up, something else … ”
“What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and … I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property … ”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000 - a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover … ”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie … Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye … I do too … ”
The man hung up, closed the phone’s flap, and raised his hand and asked the others,
“Hey!… who’s phone is this?”

Flies

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure, one day, when he was stopped by a state trooper.
"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope! I'm not," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

Blonde Deodorant

A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the clerk for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, overhearing this, explained to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and have never heard of such a product. Unfazed, the blonde assured the pharmacist that she had been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," said the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," said the blonde."
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returned with the container and handed it to the pharmacist, who looked at it and said to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatched the container back and read aloud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

The Blind Man

A blind man and his guide dog entered a Bar and found their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yelled to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately became absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, a woman sitting next to him said,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thought for a moment and said,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Dead Hen Walking

The life of a turkey, on the death row block, is a short one, except for the lucky guy, who is granted clemency by the President. For the others, it's a short walk to see the executioner.

Like characters in a Sean Penn movie, they shuffle, from the sunny outdoors, into a long , white, artificially lit building. The door closes behind them, and they wait in line, slowly, moving towards the covered conveyor belt. This belt carries them to a platform, where two men, dressed in the their finest plastic aprons , grab the turkeys by their legs, and hang them from their feet, on another conveyance, hanging from the ceiling. Oh the indignity!
Some turkeys struggle, and flap their wings, while others quietly whimper and pee all over themselves.

Now upside down, frightened and disoriented, they are slid down the line to meet the somber fellow in the the yellow plastic apron. He is the Beast , whom the turkeys refer to as Olaf The Terrible. As they near, they hear that horrible whine of the electric knife, and smell the stench of fear, and know that death is imminent. The last sound a turkey hears, is the cheery tune Olaf is whistling, as he unceremoniously slits their throat with his knife.

As if this horrific death is not enough of an indignity, for a once proud living creature to suffer, he is then dispatched behind a black curtain, and emerges on the other side from a 180-degree steam bath, that essentially scalds off his feathers. Next, his feet are horribly mutilated to leave behind only a set of drumsticks.

After this, things begin to move fast. The gizzard and liver are ripped from his still warm body, bagged and stuck back inside, in the hopes of flavoring someone's gravy.
The rest of his innards are callously vacuumed out, and then another knife wielding worker waits to cut off any remaining feathers.

Slain in their prime, they are then weighed, and put on ice to await the cannibals who will dine on their flesh.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you enjoyed your turkey! I know I did!