Turkey Guts

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of breaking wind every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell would cause her eyes to water, as she would choke and gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to seek help. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor , but he wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was a natural bodily function, and then would laugh , as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
One Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, she went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, an idea occurred , as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs. Her husband was a very deep sleeper, and while he was still sound asleep, she pulled back the covers and gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs. Because she had warmed them, he didn't even stir.
About two hours, later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud morning farts. This was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom.

She couldn't control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After all these years, she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underwear, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

The Table

He laid her on the table.
So white, so clean and bare.
His forehead, wet, with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck, and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet, and all was set.
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands, stretched his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep... I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white, but I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a snack became infatuation. So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground. I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees... Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please

Badgerbob's Surefire Method For Raising Delinquents

1. As an infant, begin to give him everything he wants. This will help him grow to believe that the world owes him a living.
2. When he begins to lie and swear, laugh and encourage him.
3. Never tell him that he is wrong. This could lead to developing a guilt complex, and later when he's up on felony charges, make him feel that society is persecuting him.
4. Pick up everything he leaves lying around. This will help condition him to expect others, including future wives, to continue doing this.
5. Let him read and watch anything he wants . A healthy mind is such a waste.
6. Quarrel frequently and throw blame around. This will help him to later deal with married life, and the ensuing divorce.
7. Make sure he never has to earn his own money, and see that his every whim is taken care of. Denial and responsibility could lead to frustration, and prozac.
8. Take his side in all disputes. This way he can play the prejudice card later in life.
9. When he gets into serious trouble, never blame him, and always apologize for yourself. Afterall, he is your child!
10. Sit back and enjoy your l'il monster.

Think You've Had A bad Day?

The Woods Of Arkansas

While hiking through the woods one day, a tourist came upon a man, who was hugging a tree, with his ear pressed firmly against it.
He asked, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of this tree. It's a local custom."
"You've gotta be kidding me", said the tourist.
The local replied, "No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, this is really stupid, but..., okay .." So he wrapped his arms around the tree, and pressed his ear up against it. Immediately, the local slapped a set of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, his jewelry and his car keys. Then stripped him naked, and sauntered away.
Two hours later, another man strolled by, saw the tourist handcuffed to the tree and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
The tourist told the story of how he had been taken advantage of, by the local. While he recounted his tale, the newcomer shook his head in sympathy. When the tourist finished talking, the man walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,
"This just isn't your day, is it, Sugar!"

The Man From Alabama

A visiting professor, at the University of Alabama, was giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked. "How many people here, believe in ghosts?"
Approximately ninety of the students raised their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About forty students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm glad you are taking this seriously. Has anyone here ever spoken to a ghost?"
Fifteen students raised their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
To this ,three students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one one last question ... Have any of you, ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raised his hand.
The professor was astonished. He took off his glasses, took a step back, and said, "Son,in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Alabama student replied, "It's quite common in our part of the state" and began to make his way up to the podium.
The professor said, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."
The student replied, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goat!'"

Hump Day Poems From the Heartless Badger

I have been challenged by this person,(freak) who is like a sharp thorn in my paw, to declare this week as poetry week, and only post poems. I hate fucking poetry! If there is no explicit sex, violence, or witty dialogue in the first stanza, it's off to the bonfire for a small flare-up and a marshmallow. I received this challenge today, which to say the least, is a little strange, because, Hello! It's already midweek. I guess the tree calendar week is a little different than ours.
Anyhow, in the spirit of Hump Day, and in the interest of being a good sport, which in all honesty, I could give a hoot about , I have decided to go along with this strange request.
So I present to you, three short poems.

I had a small pain in my head.
I went to my doctor, with dread.
He gave me a pill, then sent me his bill.
I would have been better off dead

One time at my job, where I strip
My pants shrunk, and wouldn't unzip
When the hot-blooded throng, yelled to ogle my thong
I fended them off, with my whip.

There once was a badger named Bob, who's balls were so blue they would throb, then along came a blogger, who said, "Hey, it's no bother", and relieved him, by rubbing his knob

Democrats

The other day, I was travelling between San Francisco & L.A. when a tire blew out on my scooter. I had no spare, so my only option was to flag down a passing motorist, and hopefully, get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man, driving a minivan. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yep, I surely do," I replied.
"You a Democrat, or a Republican?" asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell! ," yelled the old man as he sped off.
An hour or so passed, and finally another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
"Republican or Democrat?"
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican!"
The driver gave me the finger, and drove off.
It was getting hot, and after thinking it over, I decided that maybe I should change my
strategy. This area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be lots of Democrats on the road that day.
After what seemed like hours, a car finally skidded to a stop. It was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively at me, and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat?
Realizing, that I had entered into some kind of bizzaro world, I shouted," Democrat!"
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, with the wind blowing through her hair, her perfect breasts, and a
short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore!" I shouted. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes, and already, I want to screw somebody!"

Elephants

A man hobbled into the emergency room one night. He was in such pain, that he couldn't even sit down.
The doctor asked "What’s the problem ? You seem to be in a lot of pain".
The man replied." I have something wrong, but, I am embarrassed to show you."
The doctor explained that in all his years, he had seen just about everything possible, and at this point, nothing could shock him. So the man proceeded to drop his trousers and bend over.
The doctor gasped, and said "What on earth happened to you?!! You have a massive hole in your bottom".
The man explained that he had just been on holiday in Africa.
"I was raped by a male elephant" said the man.
The doctor shook his head , and said, " You don't expect me to believe that, do you? If it were true, you wouldn’t be as damaged as that, because the penis on a male elephant isn’t that large."
To this ,the man replied, "Yes I know that doc, but he fingered me first."

Farmers

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, tried to drive through it, and ended up getting stuck. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble, and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of that mudhole today.”
The husband looked around at the fields incredulously, and asked the farmer,”When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”
“No,” the young farmer replied , “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

Golf

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked what happened.
"Well," said the man, "I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something lodged in its rear end. I walked over and lifted her tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it—stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I was lifting the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey honey, this looks like yours!
"And then ?" said the doctor.
"Well doc, I don't remember much after that"!

The Genie

Harold and Bob were in a bar, having a few beers, when Harold pulled out a cigar.
He searched for a light, to no avail, and then asked Bob for one.
“Here you are,” Bob replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said Harold, “where did you get that monster.”
“You mean my 10" lighter? Well,.. .I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” Harold asked.
“Sure Harold! He’s right here, in my pocket.”
“Could I see him?”
Bob reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small genie.
Harold stared at the genie, and then said, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me a wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said, so Harold asked him for a million bucks ,and then the genie, hoped back into Bob's pocket.
Harold stood there, waiting for his million bucks.
After about ten minutes, a duck waddled into the bar, followed by another, and then another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar was filled with ducks.
Finally, Harold said “What's going on here? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
Bob replied, "Gosh Harold! I forgot to tell you. The genie is hard of hearing.
Did ya really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”

Salesmen

A man walked into the bar, at a hotel, that was hosting a convention , for personal hygiene salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his colleagues, and was immediately harrassed by another salesman.
“Hey Bob! You son-of-a-bitch! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucked! Nobody could ever make a living there, before you. You've won the all-expense-paid trip toVegas, three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else! How in the hell do you do it?”
Bob replied, “Its easy! I take a big, fancy bowl and fill it up with fresh dogshit. Next, I garnish it carefully with parsley , celerystalks, chives, olives and red peppers . Then, I take it to the airport, and set it on a big fancy table, with an embroidered, white tablecloth.
I offer a sample, on a cracker, to everybody who walks by. As soon as someone takes a bite, they usually say ‘Jesus Christ! !This stuff tastes like SHIT!!’
Then I say ‘Yes sir! You guessed it! Would you care to buy a toothbrush? "

Girls Night Out

Two friends got together for their monthly, ' girl's night out' . Both were faithful and loving wives, in stable marriages. They hit the town hard, danced away most of the night, and finished up at their neighborhood bar. In the process, they had become a little drunk, and were unable to drive themselves home. After turning down numerous offers for a ride, from the many inebriated males in the joint, they decided to walk home.
On the way home, the urge to pee became so overwhelming, that they were forced to stop in the nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, the first lady decided to use her panties. Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She looked around, and spotted a grave having a wreath, with a ribbon on it, squatted over it, and proceeded to wipe with the ribbon. After the girls finished peeing, they laughed about it ,while stumbling the rest of the way home.
The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned, because his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over. He phoned the other husband and said "These damn 'girl's night outs' have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. Last night, my wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing! ", said the other husband, "Mine came home, with a card stuck between the crack of her butt , that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Has Anyone Seen My Uncle Ernie?

These creatures, known as THE LIZZIES, are said to be part human and part reptile. They are said not to exist in time as we know it, and exist mostly in other dimensions where they are said to live for thousands of years. We should know something about the lizzies because they are reportedly soon going to re-enter our dimension in order to try to continue to control us.
There is a large body of religious literature not in the Bible that deals with the period before the great flood. Most of these works have been hidden and/or an attempt was made to destroy them, or they have been selectively excluded from the Bible or otherwise suppressed. This is part of the giant cover-up, part of the duping of humankind. These creator gods certainly did not want humankind to know of the true story of human "creation" (that we were created to be slaves and dupes) and the true nature of our creator gods, the lizzies.
The primary "earth data" we have to verify the existence of the Lizzies is that they have been seen several times, usually by modern-day abductees. In a majority of abductee cases they are not seen at all, but they are sometimes observed standing aside and simply observing what is happening. The relationship between the reptilians and the grey species is usually not known to the abductees. It is clear that most of the greys "work" for the lizzies, or are themsleves slaves of the lizzies. The lizzies apparently left the grey species or specie in in charge of the Earth when most of them left the earth several thousand years ago.
There is a story of a "cow abduction" case in Missouri where a lizzie was sighted. A married couple watched the apparent cow abduction from the porch of their farm through binoculars. While two, small, white-skinned, large-headed beings worked with the cow, a few feet away a "lizard-guy" watched the proceedings. The human couple described the "lizard-guy" as a humanoid creature that stood about six feet tall, had greenish, scaly skin like a reptile, and had large pale green eyes with vetically slit pupils.
In another case, a rancher was working with his cattle on his ranch in New Mexico, when suddenly his herd spooked and scattered. He looked up an saw the reason his cows had become frightened - a UFO craft was hovering over him. His first reaction was one of anger at this craft for having scattered his cattle, and he fired two shots with a thirty-thirty rifle he carried. His horse then threw him and he was dazed. The next thing this rancher knew he was taken into the craft, pushed onto an examining table and undressed. He was given a very rough examination by five reptilian-like beings, three males and two females. He described these creature as having"...humanoid bodies with the exception of scaly fish features and tails like reptiles. They wore few clothes. The female sexual parts were similar to Homo sapiens. Their legs and arms were somewhat lizard-like. Their features resembled frogs, yet human like at the same time. The eyes were large, protuberant. They had three fingers and three toes.
Sometimes human encounters with a lizzie have been more pleasant. Denise and Bert Twigs, in their book Secret Vows, claim to have an ongoing relationship with a couple that claims to be from the Andromeda constellation. Both claim to have conceived several half-alien, half human children, both in their home in Oregon and on the space craft on which the Andrameda couple are not residing.

Somali Man

A Somali Man arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the UnitedStates. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."

Cowboys

A cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served those folks?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning."
The cowboy, thought for a moment, and said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation ! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and then returned that evening. The waiter brought his dish, bowed, and said, "Enjoy Senor". The cowboy looked around, to make sure that no one was watching, and turned his attention to his meal . He inspected the contents of his platter, and after eating the first testicle, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Terrorists

The Spirit Of Halloween

Rooted in pagan traditions, it was actually the Celts who are responsible for this guy's misery. It was the time of year, marking the end of the harvest, and the onset of winter, when the livestock were brought in for slaughter. It was also a fearful time, when the barrier between the worlds of the living and dead were broken, and spirits walked the earth. The Celts held a ritual for this time, and it culminated in a sacred bonfire.
On this day, children would go door-to-door collecting firewood for the sacred bonfire, to provide light against the growing darkness. Some dope was out of firewood, and began passing out candy, which became trick-or-treating. ( you can figure out the trick part yourself) At this bonfire, the younger Celts wore masks, made of animal heads and skins, to frighten off the spirits. The old people just went as themselves.( Ya gotta love old people masks.)At the end of the celebration, families carried home embers from the sacred fire to relight their hearths. They used hollowed out turnips for this, and after the great potato and turnip famine , in Ireland, (Blame the Irish for everything.) switched to pumpkins.
Never one to miss an opportunity, the church got involved and figured out a moneymaking scheme. They designated Nov.1 as All Saints'Day to honor saints and martyrs. Later, because collections were down, Nov.2 was made All Souls Day, to honor the rest of us departed common folk. Any excuse for a mass, to trot out the collection turnip. (Plates were rare in those days, because most celts, had no table manners, and ate with their hands.) Eventually, these days became known as Hallowmass, and the night before became known as All-Hollows-Eve, and later shortened to Halloween, by Asian immigrants who couldn't pronounce it properly.
In the badger community, the teachings of The Great Pumpkin tell us that some of this is merely folklore, but we do incorporate some facets of it, in our celebration.
The badger community celebrates this day by having a large bonfire and throwing a party. At midnight, when the great Pumpkin, who is actually Uncle Ernie in disguise, rises out of the pumpkin patch, the kids are dispatched to leave burning badger turds on doorsteps, and knock over garbage cans.
For the adults, All Hollows Eve,( a hooker from the nearby weasel village), is brought in, and passed around. Any adult male, who does not partake in this ritual , is sentenced to have their nuts roasted on an open fire, during the Christmas celebration. Last year, poor cousin Chet made the critical mistake of refusing.
The following day is spent gathering roadkill for the evening feast and ensuing orgy, which kicks off the Christmas season.