The Nudist

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to
wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me? "
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies
down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room
toward him,
"Did you call for me? " says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean? " says the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has
his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist,
"May I help you? " she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card.
You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership
fee. I'm outta here"
"But, Sir, " she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. "
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

The Power Of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

Ferries

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

A Little Christmas Cheer

One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy.
I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed girl, who guessed was about 12 years old. She was short and thin, and had no coat.
She was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect her from the cold winter night's chill.
Oddly enough, she was holding a hundred dollar bill in her hand.
Thinking that she had gotten separated from her parents and was lost, I asked her what was wrong. She told me her sad story, she said that she came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. Her father had died when she was 9 years old. Her mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.
Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts for her children. The young girl had been dropped off by her mother on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home.
She had not even entered the mall, when a young man grabbed one of the $100 bills and disappeared into the night.
Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
"I did." said the girl.
"And no one came to help you?" I wondered.
The girl stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook her head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft spoken little girl looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard this poor girl's cry for help.
So I grabbed her other $100 bill, and bolted for my car.

Mick Jagger

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate, that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick , and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog his loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

Assholes

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

The 1st Thanksgiving According To George W.

Thanksgiving is a holiday where, ya know, we give thanks to America's 1st President Jesus Christ.
See President Jesus gave us a good, a really good harvest of wheat and corn and apple pies.Now us Americans used to be called Pilgrims because that's what Jesus said. And Jesus told the Pilgrims to leave England and sail to the New World on this giant ship called Noah's Ark. The trip was very hard because the ship hit an iceberg and Leonardo DiCaprio drowned.When the Pilgrims landed on the Plymouth Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, they settled and became uh, settlers.
Then they built stuff like condos and Starbucks. But Starbucks only served tea, not coffee. The settlers protested this and tossed the tea in the river while
dancing and having fun. This was called the Boston Tea Party. The roof was set on fire and then raised. Somebody let the dogs out. And reportedly, they
partied like it was their birthday.
But there was an evil Terrorist organization plotting to destroy the good Pilgrim people. These Terrorists were known as... Turkeys.These Turkeys stuffed themselves until they exploded, destroying villages and women.One Turkey even kidnapped Jean Claude van Damme.So President Jesus decided to form a coalition of the willing with the United Nations of Benetton. This included the Pilgrims and the Natives.
The Native people, who today we call Indians, were famous for their maizes. They liked to solve the maizes and then do a naked rain dance so their God, named
Buddha, would bless them with ripe melons on their women with names like Little Big Horns.Anyway, the Turkeys did not like our freedoms. They wanted to destroy our homes. The suicide-Turkeys tricked us into eating them... then we would get very
sleepy from their biological weapon... Tryptophan. The Pilgrims would fall asleep and then the Turkeys would raise the price of oil.
But we had a plan to stay the course. The men went out shooting and they shot many delicious wild Terrorist turkeys while the Vice President shot his friend
in the face.Both are traditions we carry on to this day!Sure, some Turkeys were tortured and some Turkeys were raped, but things like this happen when you are fighting against an evil army of flightless birds.The Pilgrim and Indian men also shot deers, ducks, and sweet potatoes.So the Pilgrim mothers, of which my mother Barbara was a founding member, said thus, "Let us invite these friendly red skinned Native people so we may
rejoice." Rejoice means to joice again. Which eventually became the state of New Joicey.
The Indians came to the party lead by Chief Wahoo. The Indians were friendly but lacked depth in their starting rotation.The Indians were dressed in bizarre outfits of deer skins and feathers with their faces painted. "How weird!," the Pilgrims exclaimed as they adjusted the
belt buckles on their hats.At the Thanksgiving, before they ate anything, the Pilgrims and the Indians thanked God for all his goodness. Of course, the Pilgrim-Americans thanked the
REAL God while the Indians thanked their FALSE hooey-booey, mumbo-jumbo gods.
The Indians sang songs and danced and drank and drank and drank. They reminded the Pilgrims of the Irish.The drunk Pilgrims celebrated by shooting their muskets in the air. The drunk Indians shot their bows & arrows into the air. Sadly, one of the arrows flew
back down to Earth and pierced right through the head of a Pilgrim. He became America's first stand-up comedian.
All this happened nearly four hundred million years ago, and ever since that time Thanksgiving has been celebrated in our country.Sometimes Thanksgiving is called Christmas.In France, they call Thanksgiving D-Day.So every year we stop to say "Thanks!" to Jesus for all of the things He's given to us instead of to the people of Africa and Mexico. This is why we eat as
much as we can... to remember that there are people in Africa and Mexico who have nothing to eat.
Suckers.

A Thanksgiving Love Story

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there.
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you in my arms through the door.
Laying you down, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove the wrap, from around your body , exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft skin ,and making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, running them over the beads of water, causing them to trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was prepared, before we even came through the door.
As I lay you down, your legs spread wide open . You are ready now, and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, and you take it willingly. I push it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in. You are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot.
The heat lasts for hours , until your sweet juices escape from within.
Finally I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating more, with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you,
"You surely are the best turkey, I have ever had."

A White Trash Thanksgiving

Signs You're Going To Have A White Trash Tranksgiving

- Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Uncle Peter, who got stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" falling into all the women, and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human flesh, as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

The Half--Wit

There was a man who owned a small ranch in Texas.
One day, The Wage & Hour Dept. of the Gov't. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees, and dispatched an agent out to investigate him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to! The half-wit," says the agent. "Is he here?"
"That would be me," replied the rancher.

Ice Cream

A penguin was driving in the desert when his car started to cough and splutter, but he managedto coax the car to the nearest garage.
On arrival at the garage, he noticed a giraffe. He asked the giraffe if he knew anything about cars? The giraffe said that he was the chief mechanic and asked, what was the problem?
The penguin told the giraffe about the problem with the car. The giraffe apologised, and said that it would be about an hour before he could look at the car, and suggested that the penguin go for something to eat in the nearby cafe .
What a good idea thought the penguin, and proceeded to the cafe. After perusing the menu he ordered a LARGE portion of vanilla ice-cream. The waitress brought the LARGE portion of vanilla ice-cream and a spoon.
"Don't be stupid said the penguin. I have flippers, not hands. How do you expect me to use a spoon?"
The penguin then proceeded to eat the ice cream with his flippers, and made quite a mess. After the penguin had finished his ice cream, he to returned to the garage, to find out about the problem with his car. He asked the mechanic what the problem was with his car?
The mechanic said "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin replied, "Fuck,No! That's vanilla ice-cream!"
-

Texans

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

Hell (PT XVIII)

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs
out!
If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding?
I love drugs! You don't mean . . "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Mermaids

On a farm out in the country, lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke. While looking out the window toward the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in thefield. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

The oldest son woke to discover his parents dead (andthe cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he reached the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

The second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), itwas not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up, saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went downto the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in arow?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?

The Pig

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the grill of my truck. He's still wriggling . What should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

Choices

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His Mother was Jewish and his father was African-American.
So Johnny asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more African-American?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure, you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more African-American?"
"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the damn thing."

The Meaning Of Cheap

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers, because it's soooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

The Snake And The Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny." I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake."To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. Say! What kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny."I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
The snake felt the bunny up, and he said,"Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny !"
Then the bunny said,"I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, so the bunny agreed to examine him. When he was finished, the snake asked,"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny replied,"You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls...
You must be a lawyer."

Spooning

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!

Third Grade

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has the largest dick," he says.
"Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width.
The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
"No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Ex-Lax

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. '
Just then a man came in coughing, and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

Chuckie

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet rooster."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the rooster down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

Black November

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of.....Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin."

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink."
"And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...."

Language Barriers

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Fine Feathered Friends

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Choosing Sides

One day, a tough looking biker burst into a saloon, strutted up to the bar, grabbed the bartender by his shirtfront, and growled,"Gimme a fuckin beer!"
He gulped it down, turned to the people at the left end of the bar, and growled, "All you down there... You're all a bunch of cock suckers!"
It got real quiet for a moment, and then the biker growled again, "gimme another fuckin beer"!
He downed the second beer and turned to the patrons on the right side of the bar, and swore, "You're all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers."
The bar got dead quiet, and suddenly a tall skinny guy on the right side stood up.
The biker growled, "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
The tall skinny guy replied, "Sorry but I just realized, I'm on the wrong side of the bar."

Setting An Example

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself
tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded.
"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that?"
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.

The woman replied,
"That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after
she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

Rednecks And Chickens

Two rednecks met on a dusty country road. One of them was carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" said the other guy.
"Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," said the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other one scratched his head, thought for a moment, and said, "Umm...... five?"

Hunting Dogs

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim worth a damn.

Rabbits

One day, a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory, where he had been born and brought up. As he hopped away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey!" he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. He hopped over to them, and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. You really must try it."
Well, he spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely spent, he stagger-hopped back over to his new friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," he replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Tigers And Lawyers

Two tigers were walking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the ass of the tiger in front of him.
The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out."
The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth

A New York Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Brothers

One evening after a few rounds of beer, two brothers decided to settle a dispute by fighting, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."
The first brother, named Arnie, got his brother Petey down, and was hammering him unmercifully.
After while, Petey called out several times, "Enough!"
Arnie paid no attention, and kept on hitting him.
Finally, a bystander shouted, "Why don't you let him up? Didn't you hear him say that he's had enough?"
"I did," said Arnie, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe anything he says.

Rats

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Ten Reasons Why Wesley WeaselKiller Likes Prison

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON........ you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they call them managers.

A Little Game

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . .


Don't stop.

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name .

Almost there........

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?







Of course not.......stupid!
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

Idiots

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A Cowboy's Dog

A cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer.
About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree.
The cowboy tells him that its his.
The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat."
The cowboy answers, "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool cause he's tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."
The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex."
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!"

Arthritis

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Blondes Part XVI

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Love Letters

Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Signed Your Ex-Wife P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your brother and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee be cause the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Rich as Hell and Free P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

How To Save The Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't
even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least
triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying
again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle
it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

A Letter From Grandma

Dear Badger;
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.
Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there e, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of th e moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Tony

The country was in such a terrible state,
Parliament rose for a budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Gordy spoke
When he did he said "Sex will cost ten quid a poke"
Whether you're short, long, skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick,

Chris Smith said "Now Gordon look here,
Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer ?"
Mandy arose and looked very glum,
"Will I be exempt coz I only like bum"
Gordon replied and sounded quite airy
"You'll fucking pay double, you dirty old fairy"

Up got Hague to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Margaret Beckett, and whipped off her drawers
He straddled across her and fucked her at will
Then shouted at Gordon "Put that on your bill"
Prescott shouted "I think I'll resign
I haven't had pussy for a very long time
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch
But ten quid a jump is a bit fucking much"

The debate carried on, oh what a night
Many were bonking any woman in sight
The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too
And in the excitement, the dumb bill got through

So now in the bedrooms of England each night
There's many a fanny closed up good and tight
They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes
If ten quid a time is the price we must pay,
It's now with ourselves we are forced to play,
So to quench our frustration, we must have a wank
For the state of our country, we have Tony to thank.

Farmer Jed's Mule

Farmer Jed decided his injuries from his recent accident, were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible, to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Jed.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Jed's answer and told the lawyer so.
"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

A PARROT'S PRAYER

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Hillbilly Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........ Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

A Shocking Affair

The husband leaned over, and asked his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern, and you leaned against the back fence, and I made love to you?"
"Yes, she said. "I remember it well."
"OK," he said. "How about taking a stroll around there , and we can do it again, for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil. That sounds like a crazy idea! But ok!"
There was a police officer sitting in the next booth, listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thought to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he followed them, as they walked along, leaning on each other for support, and aided by walking sticks. Finally they got to the back of the tavern and made their way to the fence.
The old lady lifted her skirt, and the old man dropped his trousers. As she leaned against the fence, the old man moved in.
Suddenly they erupted into the most furious sex, that the police officer had ever seen. This went on for about ten minutes. Both were making loud noises, and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapsed on the ground. The police officer was amazed.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground , the old couple struggled to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman thought, "I've got to ask them what their secret is".
As the couple passed, he said to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man replied, "Nope! Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence!"

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator onto its back, and shouted , "Damn it! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Nursing

A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her
psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I
tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer
and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,
too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to
live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large,
beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well,
go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

The Bet

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.......

A Healthy Life

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."

Shipping Out

A depressed young blonde was so depressed, that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

ILLIEGAL IMMIGRATION, AND WHY IT BOTHERS ME

62% of all "undocumented immigrants" in the United States are working for cash and not paying taxes, predominantly illegal aliens, working without a green card;

95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens;

83% of warrants for murder in Phoenix are for illegal aliens;

86% of warrants for murder in Albuquerque are for illegal aliens;

75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles, Phoenix, and Albuquerque are illegal aliens;

More than 380,000 "anchor babies" were born in the United States in 2005 were to parents who are illegal aliens; making those 380,000 babies automatically U.S. citizens. 97.2% of all costs incurred from those births were paid by the American taxpayer;

More than 66% of all births in California are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal whose births were paid for by taxpayers;


29% (630,000) convicted illegal alien felons fill our state and federal prisons at a cost of $1.6 billion annually;

More than 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages

More than 53% of all investigated burglaries reported in California , New Mexico , Nevada , Arizona and Texas are perpetrated by illegal aliens;

More than half of all gang members in Los Angeles are illegal aliens from south of t he border;

More than 43% of all Food Stamps issued are to illegal aliens;

More than 41% of all unemployment checks issued in the United States are to illegal aliens;

58% of all Welfare payments in the United States are issued to illegal aliens;


14 out of 31 TV stations in L.A. are Spanish-only;

16 out of 28 TV stations in Phoenix are Spanish-only;

15 out of 24 TV stations in Albuquerque are Spanish-only;

21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish-only;

17 radio stations in Phoenix are Spanish-only;

17 radio stations in Albuquerque are Spanish-only;

More than 34% of Arizona students in grades 1-12 are illegal aliens;

More than 24% of Arizona students in grades 1-12 are non-English-speaking;

More than 39% of California students in grades 1-12 are illegal aliens;

More than 42% of California students in grades 1-12 are non-English-speaking

In Los Angeles County , 5.1 million people speak English. 3.9 million speak Spanish;

More than 71% of all apprehended cars stolen in 2005 in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and California were stolen by illegal aliens or transport coyotes";

47% of cited/stopped drivers in California have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 47%, 92% are illegal aliens;

63% of cited/stopped drivers in Arizona have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 63%, 97% are illegal aliens;

66% of cited/stopped drivers in New Mexico have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 66%, 98% are illegal aliens;

Less than 2% of illegal aliens in the United States are picking crops , but 41% are on welfare;

Over 70% of the United States annual population growth (and over 90% of California , Florida , and New York ) results from immigration;

The cost of immigration to the American taxpayer in 1997 was a NET (after subtracting taxes immigrants pay) $70 BILLION a year, [Professor Donald Huddle, Rice University ];

The estimated profit to U.S. corporations and businesses employing ILLEGAL aliens in 2005 was more than $2.36 TRILLION dollars;

The lifetime fiscal impact (taxes paid minus services used) for the average adult Mexican ILLEGAL alien is $55,000.00 cost to the American taxpayer in a 5-year span. You, personally, are giving $11,000 every year to an illegal alien.

Martinis

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished his drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then ordered the bartender to prepare another.
After he finished that drink, he again looked inside his shirt pocket, and ordered the bartender to bring a third double martini.
With his curiosity aroused, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket, before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Lawyers Part-XVI

One day, there was a lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eagerly showing it off to his colleagues; when all of the sudden, an eighteen wheeler appeared out of nowhere, and tore off the driver's side door, with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed. He knew that no matter which mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RIPPED OFF BY SOME CRAZY TRUCK DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer, aren't you?" stated the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm was missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his arm and screamed, "MY ROLEX!"

Elevators

One day, an Amish boy and his father were visiting the city. While looking for a restroom, in the lobby of an office building, they were amazed upon seeing two shiny, silver walls that would part and then close back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father watched wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them. The walls closed, swallowing her up, and the boy and his father looked on, while small numbered circle above the walls lit up. After a few moments, the circles began to light up, in reverse order. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Boy, Go get your mother."

A Redneck's Letter From Home

Dearest Son;
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers, when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Hank was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

Home Invasion

"Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders making it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.


Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house)."


According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends Who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest...
um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it, without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being anti-housebreaker.

Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America....

A Religion Of Peace Demonstration ????

These Pictures tell it all! Muslims have stated that England will be the first country they take over! These are pictures not shown on American TV or in American Newspapers (as they might help Bush's war on terror), but were forwarded to me by a Canadian Friend who thought Americans ought to know! These pictures are of Muslims marching through the streets of London during their recent "Religion of Peace Demonstration."

There is something very wrong with this world, when someone can stand in front of a Policeman, and threaten the country he lives in, and the Policeman is powerless to cave the fucker's skull in, with his nightstick.

Why would anyone think that we should be at war with such nice, peaceful Moslems?

The Seven Kinds Of Sex

The 1st kind of sex, is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex, is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex, is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex, is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have beenwith your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex, is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind of sex, is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front ofeveryone.
Don't forget the 7th kind, called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Hillbillies And Sex

There's this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore "bout ol 'nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread 'n 'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw."
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior. wh-whut's that?"
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'."
"You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior...."

Speakin Hillbilly

Aig - What a hen lays

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin clothes

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub done burned out

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Deppity - He heps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Orrel - My car needs an orrel change

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rat - Do it rat now

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Yurp - A continent overseas

Bar Hopping

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them.
"I've got it, follow me." said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"

Crazies

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Why Men, Are Happier Creatures

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth..
The world is your urinal.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Piss

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.”
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty.
The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!”
“Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.”

A Big Baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said
that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby"
weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they
congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the
typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How
much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh
twenty
pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup . . . just had him
circumcised!"

Gone To Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, " why so glum?"
The guy responded, " What do you think? I'm in Hell "
"Hell's not so bad, " The Demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
" Sure" the man said, "I love to drink."
" Well you're gonna love mondays. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! "
The guy is astounded. " Damn, that sounds great. "
" You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
" You're gonna love Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie you're already dead, remember? "
" Wow, the guy said, that's awesome! "
The demon continued. " I bet you like to gamble."
" Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
" Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, " are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean....."
" That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, so who cares!"
"Wow" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The Demon said, " you gay?"
"No"
"Oooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

The Hunting Trip

A man and his friend, went on a hunting trip. It was Joe's first time hunting, so he was following Bob's lead.
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay where he was, and to be quiet!
Bob walked off, and after a few minutes, heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said "There was a large snake and he slithered across my feet, but that didn't make me scream.
Then there was a bear that came up to me and growled, but that didn't make me scream either."
"So then what the fuck made you scream," Bob asked, exasperated.
"Well," Joe said, "These two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat them now?""

A Church Parrot

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.
The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
"If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."
"That'll work?" asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

A Night At The Movies

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

A Wal-Mart Greeting

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome toWal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't. The oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
" No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Little Old Ladies

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 Bill flies out of it, onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills Falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up To the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and Each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I Say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Humorous Thoughts

How can you tell who's the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that had a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work, in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say," fuck"?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo!".

Cookies

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."

A Parrot

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot

Lawyers (Part20)

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.
They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.
After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.
At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars

The Last Laugh

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was a real hardass , who was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
One day, while on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to do something, to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO stormed up to the guy, leaning against the wall, and asked,"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF HERE, and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Redneck Logic

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

Pirates

A young sailor met an old pirate in a bar, and talk turned to their adventures at sea. The young sailor saw that the pirate had a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch,
and couldn't resist asking, "What appened to your leg?"
The pirate replied, "Well lad, we were caught in a fierce storm , and I was swept overboard by a huge wave. Just as my men were hoisting me out, a great white shark up and tore my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What happened to your hand "?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding another pirate ship, and I was in an incredible sword fight. It was five against one, and I was chopping them down, until I slipped on a patch of blood, and one of them cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "Is that also where you got the eye patch"?
"No lad. That was from a skirmish with a seagull," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull ?"
"Well," said the pirate, "As I looked up, he decided to crap, and it was my first day, with my hook"