Hillbillies And Sex

There's this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore "bout ol 'nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread 'n 'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw."
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior. wh-whut's that?"
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'."
"You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior...."

Speakin Hillbilly

Aig - What a hen lays

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin clothes

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub done burned out

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Deppity - He heps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Orrel - My car needs an orrel change

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rat - Do it rat now

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Yurp - A continent overseas

Bar Hopping

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them.
"I've got it, follow me." said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"

Crazies

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Why Men, Are Happier Creatures

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth..
The world is your urinal.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Piss

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.”
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty.
The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!”
“Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.”

A Big Baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said
that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby"
weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they
congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the
typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How
much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh
twenty
pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup . . . just had him
circumcised!"

Gone To Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, " why so glum?"
The guy responded, " What do you think? I'm in Hell "
"Hell's not so bad, " The Demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
" Sure" the man said, "I love to drink."
" Well you're gonna love mondays. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! "
The guy is astounded. " Damn, that sounds great. "
" You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
" You're gonna love Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie you're already dead, remember? "
" Wow, the guy said, that's awesome! "
The demon continued. " I bet you like to gamble."
" Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
" Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, " are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean....."
" That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, so who cares!"
"Wow" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The Demon said, " you gay?"
"No"
"Oooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

The Hunting Trip

A man and his friend, went on a hunting trip. It was Joe's first time hunting, so he was following Bob's lead.
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay where he was, and to be quiet!
Bob walked off, and after a few minutes, heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said "There was a large snake and he slithered across my feet, but that didn't make me scream.
Then there was a bear that came up to me and growled, but that didn't make me scream either."
"So then what the fuck made you scream," Bob asked, exasperated.
"Well," Joe said, "These two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat them now?""

A Church Parrot

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.
The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
"If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."
"That'll work?" asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

A Night At The Movies

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

A Wal-Mart Greeting

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome toWal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't. The oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
" No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Little Old Ladies

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 Bill flies out of it, onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills Falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up To the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and Each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I Say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Humorous Thoughts

How can you tell who's the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that had a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work, in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say," fuck"?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo!".

Cookies

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."

A Parrot

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot

Lawyers (Part20)

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.
They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.
After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.
At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars

The Last Laugh

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was a real hardass , who was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
One day, while on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to do something, to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO stormed up to the guy, leaning against the wall, and asked,"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF HERE, and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Redneck Logic

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

Pirates

A young sailor met an old pirate in a bar, and talk turned to their adventures at sea. The young sailor saw that the pirate had a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch,
and couldn't resist asking, "What appened to your leg?"
The pirate replied, "Well lad, we were caught in a fierce storm , and I was swept overboard by a huge wave. Just as my men were hoisting me out, a great white shark up and tore my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What happened to your hand "?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding another pirate ship, and I was in an incredible sword fight. It was five against one, and I was chopping them down, until I slipped on a patch of blood, and one of them cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "Is that also where you got the eye patch"?
"No lad. That was from a skirmish with a seagull," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull ?"
"Well," said the pirate, "As I looked up, he decided to crap, and it was my first day, with my hook"

Exams

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Blondes And Boats

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever, no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She guided the boat over to the local marina, in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything, from the bow to the stern, was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water, to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water, and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer

Things That Make Me Go Hmmm?

A Cake That Celebrates A New Beginning


Mad Cow Disease

Finally!! A Peace Plan That I Agree With

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of know that what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

11) The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

Charitable Donations

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was reportedly making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He called the lawyer."Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responded, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother, who requires expensive surgery once a year, just to stay alive?"
The worker, feeling a bit embarrassed replied, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband, was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker, feeling even more embarrassed at this point, replied "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job, and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker felt completely humiliated at this point, and said "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, and not a sound. He did his daredevil tricks over and over , but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned toMorris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yellout,but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something>when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

All Work And No Play

I recently picked a new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my previous doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Useless Advice

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That?s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant

Skydiving

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Investments

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"

That's when she shot him.

Guys And Dolls

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim blows itself up!"

Grass

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine, when he saw two men, eating grass, along the side of the road .
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, why don't you come with me, to my house, and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too"

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.The grass is almost a foot high."

Niggers

A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Well then, about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will now have to drop people. You will be given floating devices and will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore. To be fair, we will do this in alphabetical order 'A' is for African American. All African Americans, please raise your hands."
Well, hearing this, the little black boy started to raise his hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine, let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands."
Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him .

The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll move on to 'C'. 'C' is for Colored. All colored people, raise your hands."
The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father pushes it down and tells him no. "But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we are also called colored. Why won't you let me raise my hand?"
His father says, "No son, today, we is Niggers.
Those Mexicans are going before us!"

Screwing

A guy walked into a bar and saw a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody. Any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

Taking A Bath

Feeling edgy one day, a man decided to relax, by taking a hot bath.
Just as he sat in the tub, and became comfortable, the doorbell rang. He then got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe, and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Cursing, and slamming the door, the man returned to his bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his head against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his clothes , and with every move bringing a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax…Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”

Headaches

Headache Cure?
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure, is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left, to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.! He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.Bill tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "
"Been in the business 60 years."
Bill tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.Bill walked comfortably around the shop!
Next, the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."

Drinking Rituals

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. It's me. I've just quit drinking."

Excuses

One morning, a General walked outside to inspect a platoon of soldiers, who should have returned from a 24 hr pass, but couldn't find any of them . After a moment, he saw one running through the gates, and the soldier ran up to him, panting heavily.
The general barked, "where the hell is the rest of your platoon , soldier?"
Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead. I ran the last 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was skeptical about this explanation, but he let the G.I. off with a stern warning, more concerned with the whereabouts of the rest of his men.
Moments later, eight more G.I.s ran up to the general panting. He asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! We all had dates, that ran a little late. We ran to the bus but missed it. We hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, and bought horses, but they dropped dead. We ran the last 10 miles, and now we're here."
The General eyed them, skeptical, and very annoyed, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
As he was turning to go back inside, another G.I. jogged up to him, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I.
"There were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

A Blonde Moment

A blonde was ordering a pizza, and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
The blonde replied, "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."



Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."


A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

Chicken-shit

I don't think that the dining experience, of eating a thick, juicy, char-broiled, steak, in a fine restaurant will ever be the same again!

This is almost too bizarre to be true:
The FDA can't decide whether to ban the practice of allowing chicken fecal matter to be fed to cattle because, the FDA says, what else are they supposed to do with all that chicken litter?
In other words, cows are living waste disposal machines who eat -- get this -- chicken shit by the ton. And then you eat the cows (if you're a red meat eater, that is). It's sort of like eating second-hand chicken shit, only riskier because now you also have the risk of mad cow disease, too.
Here's an actual quote from the director of the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine: "...adding chicken litter to cattle feed is one of the primary methods of waste disposal for the chicken growers..."
That the FDA can say, with a straight face, that the only way to get rid of chicken litter is to feed it to cows is, well, bordering on insane.
The FDA is also reluctant to ban the practice of feeding cattle blood to cows. "What are we going to do with all this blood?" seems to be the cry from the FDA. The answer?
Well, feed it to the cattle, of course!
The new slogan for the beef industry should be, "Beef. It's FDA-approved second-hand chicken shit."

When I think of all the steaks, I have eaten in my life, FUCK! I am pissed off!!!

Any beef producer, who participates in this practice, should be castrated!

I think I will go back to eating squirrels!

Law-Dogs

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, ran into a butcher shop and ran off with a roast. The butcher went to the lawyer's office and asked, "if a dog running loose steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment, for the meat, from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer replied, "Absolutely!"
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from my shop today."
The lawyer, without a word, made out a check to the butcher for $8.50.
The butcher, feeling very satisfied, returned to his shop.
Three days later, the butcher received a bill from the lawyer.
It said, "Amount due for consultation; $100 dollars."

The Pharmacy

One evening, at a pharmacy, a man came in, and asked to speak with a male pharmacist. The lady at the counter said that she was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male employees. She asked how she could help.
The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing, with a male . She reminded him that she was a professional, and he could speak candidly with her.
"This is tough for me to say," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, " I'll go talk to my sister."
She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length. The absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

The Patch

Two priests were in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looked at the other one's penis and noticed a Nicoderm patch on it. He looked at the other priest and said, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other priest replied, "So far, it's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.

Cartoons For The Warp Minded

Feelings

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being
there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular
evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced
Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

RACISTS

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You call me "Whiteboy", "Cracker", "Honkey", "Whitey" and you think it's OK.

But when I call you, nigger, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey or Beaner, you call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day . You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. You have BET.

If we had WET(white entertainment television) we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
If we had white history month, we'd be racists.
If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud. But, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?

Fidelity

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally went bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had some feelings and desire for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned , as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and raced to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside! And they were all clapping!!!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test, and we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........

Fate

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic.
"Next semester in her biology class."

Smuggling

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"

The Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed.. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Complimentary Pets

An elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"
The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak.
"I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

Flying

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the pilot to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane and began walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appeared to be blind. The pilot was using a white cane, and bumping into passengers, right and left, as he stumbled down the aisle. The copilot was using a guide dog. Both men were wearing sunglasses.
At first, the passengers did not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines started revving, and the airplane began moving down the runway. The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness. They started whispering amongst themselves, and looked desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. The plane began to accelerate rapidly, and people began panicking. Some passengers began praying, as the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway. The passengers became hysterical, and when the plane had less than twenty feet of runway left, everyone screamed at once.
At that moment, the plane lifted off and became airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathed a sigh of relief and said to the pilot, "You know, one of these days they aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

A Few Facts

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "FULL BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
4. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
5. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She is in a "CHEMICALLY ALTERED STATE"
6. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
7. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
8. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
9. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" ~ He has a developed "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" ~ He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" ~ He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" ~ He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" ~ He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" ~ He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
7. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" ~ He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
8. He is not "HORNY" ~ He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
9. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants ~ It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, but when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him another not so pleasant name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care, because I had come into town by bus, and it wasn't my car.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired, and my doctor says that it's important at my age.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

A married couple was driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife was behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looked at her and spoke in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife said nothing, kept looking at the road ahead and slowly increased her speed to 45 mph.
The husband spoke again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he said. "I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stayed quiet, but gripped the steering wheel tighter and increased the speed to 55.
The husband decided to push his luck, and said, "I want the house, and the car too."
The speed increased to 60,and then, 65 mph.
"And," he said, "I'm taking the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car speed increased to 70 mph, and began to veer towards a massive concrete bridge. The husband became nervous, and asked her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replied in a quiet and controlled voice, "No! I've got everything I need," she said.
"Oh, really, he sneered." "So what have you got?"
Just before they slammed into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turned to him, smiled, and said, "The airbag!"

Friends

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step!
About this time, a large redneck who was standing behind, her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the man and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are! "
The redneck smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.."

The Holy Land

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

SHIT

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Suicide Bombers

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

Criminal Minds

There were three convicts, a Polak, an Indian and a Newfie, who were all scheduled to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they could each choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or death by hanging.
The Indian was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged , so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The Polak was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, and after seeing what happened with the Indian, he thought that he would try his luck with the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Then it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "Well bye's, I'm deathly afraid of needles too, and your fucking electric chair ain't working, so I guess you'll have to hang me".

The Moral Of The Story

One day at the end of class, a teacher had the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story...The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
A girl raised her hand...,"My Daddy owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asked for the moral of the story, and the girl replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
"Well done, now who wants to go next?" Asked the teacher.
Another girl quickly raised her hand. "Well, my Dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
"And the moral?"
The girl replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Excellent, Who's next? " asked the teacher.
A young boy jumped up. "My grandad fought in the Vietnam War, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He was able to jump out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the whole case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then, he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked at the kid with a shocked expression, "My goodness! Can there possibly be a moral to this story?"
The kid replied, "Yeah...Don't fuck with grandad when he's pissed."

Seals

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

Whipped

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
The next time God looks, the women are gone, and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, but on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the single man, who stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in that line? "
The man shrugged and said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

What Senator John Glenn Said

There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq in January.
In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in themonth of January.
That's just one American city,about as deadly as the entire war-torn country of Iraq.

When some claim that President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following:
a. FDR led us into World War II.

b. Germany never attacked us; Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost ...an average of 112,500 per year.

c. Truman finished that war and started one in Korea. North Korea never attacked us. From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost ...an average of 18,334 per year.

d John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.Vietnam never attacked us.

e. Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost ..an average of 5,800 per year.

f. Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.

g. In the years since terrorists attacked us , President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran, and North Korea , without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who has slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.
The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking. But - It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound.That was a 51-day operation.
We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.
It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!


JOHN GLENN (ON THE SENATE FLOOR )
Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never served , think of the military.

Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?

"Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):"I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps.I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank.
I ask you to go with me ... as I went the other day...to a veteran's hospital and look those men ..with their mangled bodies in the eye, and tell THEM, they didn't hold a job!
You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee...and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their DADS didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags
You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?
What about you?"

For those who don't remember During WW.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. Now he's a Senator???

Oh Canada

A Canadian Soldier was attending some university courses between deployments. He had completed tours in Bosnia, and just returned from Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
"Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him in the face; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, visibly shaken, looked at the Soldier and screamed, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting our Soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, and act like an asshole, so He sent me instead ."

Two Priests

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Fathers, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave, so I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My blonde co-worker asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY", and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the fuck, are you doing ?"
I told him that I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and relax for a couple of days, and get your head back on straight.".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my blonde co-worker began following me out the door, the Boss asked her, "... just where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Mexican Death Penalty

Flab

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said,
"If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.
"This was beyond tolerable, and pissed her off, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wiener".
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

No Sympathy Here!

The following excerpt is taken from a letter, written by a lady, to the troops in Iraq. (Works for me!). Hopefully, it will remind a few of those turn-the-other-cheek, bleeding-heart, liberals,(who by the way, deserve to have both cheeks slapped, and also a stiff kick to the groin.), that 911 was a carefully thought out, planned , and executed attack, by the same people, who will do it again , if given half a chance.

"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not Started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, (mostly Americans), NOT brutally Murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from Our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ? Did nearly three Thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing Death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated', when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well,I don't! I don't care at all!
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible ( the mere possession of which is a crimeIn Saudi Arabia ). I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head, while Berg screamed through his Gurgling, slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out And fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs. I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law , instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave Marine Roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care!
When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care!
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move, because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care!
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a Prayer mat, and fed 'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' You can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care!
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled"Koran" and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and---- you got it, I DON'T CARE!"

JIHAD

The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in Canada and the United States

Allah or Jesus? by:Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their belief systems.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven.
If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"
There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine the Pope commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Protestants doing the same in order to go to Heaven.
The Imam was speechless.
I continued, "I also have problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.

I think everyone in the US and Canada should be required to read this. This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well known leader in prison ministry.

*Think about this, with all the Islamic people now in the Canada and the USA , building their Temples............. Do we really feel safe here in our own country ?...... Can we reclaim our world ? Or is it already too late ?

Older Employees

DEAR ELDER EMPLOYEE.........................
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are, Dear Employee, forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Clubbing - A Brand New Season

TO COMMEMORATE THE ANNUAL SEAL HUNT, WHICH KICKED OFF IT'S FESTIVE SEASON YESTERDAY, AND TO HONOR THOSE POOR MISUNDERSTOOD SEAL HUNTERS, AND THEIR PLIGHT TO EKE OUT AN EXISTENCE IN THE HARSH CANADIAN WILDERNESS, I OFFER YOU A REVISITATION OF LAST YEAR'S POST.





In the above picture, "sealers" are using a long picklike tool to both separate and then kill the seals. (I have been told that this tool is called a "gaff") Although usually lethal, occasionally the seals are skinned alive. This, i'm sure, is quite painful and an unpleasant experience. The little, white fuzzy ones don't seem to be moving very fast... maybe they want to be clubbed? I doubt it, but Mother Nature is an odd one.I wish i had one of those pick thingies. They look cool.
This man seems to be enjoying his work. Evidently fishermen with their big boats can't compete with the fuzzy little devils, so they like to see bashed seal skulls. In fact at one point they would pay $0.20 per seal. Sounds like easy money to me.The meat used to be used as did the skins, but now the primary reasons seals are killed are for their penises (used in Chinese aphrodesiacs) and for enjoyment.
How can you not club a face like that?
I don't know... sometimes the idea of clubbing innocent animals to a screaming, bloody death calms me. Sometimes it just makes me hungry. I don't know.
Every year, when the time is "right" (as soon as the ice conditions permit), a small group of caucasian "hunters" find their way to the ice floes and proceed to club, bludgeon, stun, shoot, and dismember thousands of young and adult Harp seals in a brutal manner of which most people can hardly imagine. As many as 45% of the animals are skinned alive and the males are routinely dismembered for their penis bone alone. Moreover, independent observers have noted that as many as 1 out of 3 "targeted" seals slip away wounded into the ice holes and sea leads to be uncounted, unnoted, and unused in any way, shape, or form. Only small amounts of the seal's meat is processed and utilized in any manner. It is rarely eaten by non indigenous peoples for food due to its relatively heavy fatty and oily composition. Small amounts are used for the pet food trade or fur farms, while the rest is simply left to rot on the ice.

Tattoos

Larry got home late one night and his wife, said, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replied, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
" Had'em put a hundred dollar bill on the old frankfurter ," he said proudly."
What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his Dick ?"
"Well......one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
like to play with my money. Three, I like how my money feels in my hand.
And, four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Flying

A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood, as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came sashaying down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly lovely people, so, if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman, hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."
The woman calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, which means that I out-rank you.
So, tray-up, bitch!!!"

Breasts

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

Going For Gold

A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.
BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED".
THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD.
A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.
SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.
THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"
THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD, BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH, I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."
SO!!!, THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"
"NO! NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET, AFTER YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."

Canadian Humor

Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on their International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: NO? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A: No, We prefer to stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegans. Milk is illegal.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.