Fidelity

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally went bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had some feelings and desire for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned , as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and raced to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside! And they were all clapping!!!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test, and we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........

Fate

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic.
"Next semester in her biology class."

Smuggling

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"

The Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed.. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Complimentary Pets

An elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"
The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak.
"I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

Flying

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the pilot to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane and began walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appeared to be blind. The pilot was using a white cane, and bumping into passengers, right and left, as he stumbled down the aisle. The copilot was using a guide dog. Both men were wearing sunglasses.
At first, the passengers did not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines started revving, and the airplane began moving down the runway. The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness. They started whispering amongst themselves, and looked desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. The plane began to accelerate rapidly, and people began panicking. Some passengers began praying, as the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway. The passengers became hysterical, and when the plane had less than twenty feet of runway left, everyone screamed at once.
At that moment, the plane lifted off and became airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathed a sigh of relief and said to the pilot, "You know, one of these days they aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

A Few Facts

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "FULL BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
4. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
5. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She is in a "CHEMICALLY ALTERED STATE"
6. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
7. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
8. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
9. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" ~ He has a developed "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" ~ He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" ~ He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" ~ He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" ~ He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" ~ He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
7. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" ~ He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
8. He is not "HORNY" ~ He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
9. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants ~ It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, but when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him another not so pleasant name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care, because I had come into town by bus, and it wasn't my car.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired, and my doctor says that it's important at my age.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

A married couple was driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife was behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looked at her and spoke in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife said nothing, kept looking at the road ahead and slowly increased her speed to 45 mph.
The husband spoke again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he said. "I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stayed quiet, but gripped the steering wheel tighter and increased the speed to 55.
The husband decided to push his luck, and said, "I want the house, and the car too."
The speed increased to 60,and then, 65 mph.
"And," he said, "I'm taking the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car speed increased to 70 mph, and began to veer towards a massive concrete bridge. The husband became nervous, and asked her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replied in a quiet and controlled voice, "No! I've got everything I need," she said.
"Oh, really, he sneered." "So what have you got?"
Just before they slammed into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turned to him, smiled, and said, "The airbag!"

Friends

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step!
About this time, a large redneck who was standing behind, her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the man and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are! "
The redneck smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.."

The Holy Land

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

SHIT

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Suicide Bombers

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

Criminal Minds

There were three convicts, a Polak, an Indian and a Newfie, who were all scheduled to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they could each choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or death by hanging.
The Indian was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged , so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The Polak was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, and after seeing what happened with the Indian, he thought that he would try his luck with the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Then it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "Well bye's, I'm deathly afraid of needles too, and your fucking electric chair ain't working, so I guess you'll have to hang me".

The Moral Of The Story

One day at the end of class, a teacher had the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story...The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
A girl raised her hand...,"My Daddy owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asked for the moral of the story, and the girl replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
"Well done, now who wants to go next?" Asked the teacher.
Another girl quickly raised her hand. "Well, my Dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
"And the moral?"
The girl replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Excellent, Who's next? " asked the teacher.
A young boy jumped up. "My grandad fought in the Vietnam War, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He was able to jump out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the whole case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then, he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked at the kid with a shocked expression, "My goodness! Can there possibly be a moral to this story?"
The kid replied, "Yeah...Don't fuck with grandad when he's pissed."

Seals

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

Whipped

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
The next time God looks, the women are gone, and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, but on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the single man, who stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in that line? "
The man shrugged and said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

What Senator John Glenn Said

There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq in January.
In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in themonth of January.
That's just one American city,about as deadly as the entire war-torn country of Iraq.

When some claim that President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following:
a. FDR led us into World War II.

b. Germany never attacked us; Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost ...an average of 112,500 per year.

c. Truman finished that war and started one in Korea. North Korea never attacked us. From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost ...an average of 18,334 per year.

d John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.Vietnam never attacked us.

e. Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost ..an average of 5,800 per year.

f. Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.

g. In the years since terrorists attacked us , President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran, and North Korea , without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who has slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.
The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking. But - It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound.That was a 51-day operation.
We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.
It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!


JOHN GLENN (ON THE SENATE FLOOR )
Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never served , think of the military.

Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?

"Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):"I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps.I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank.
I ask you to go with me ... as I went the other day...to a veteran's hospital and look those men ..with their mangled bodies in the eye, and tell THEM, they didn't hold a job!
You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee...and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their DADS didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags
You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?
What about you?"

For those who don't remember During WW.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. Now he's a Senator???

Oh Canada

A Canadian Soldier was attending some university courses between deployments. He had completed tours in Bosnia, and just returned from Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
"Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him in the face; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, visibly shaken, looked at the Soldier and screamed, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting our Soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, and act like an asshole, so He sent me instead ."

Two Priests

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Fathers, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave, so I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My blonde co-worker asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY", and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the fuck, are you doing ?"
I told him that I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and relax for a couple of days, and get your head back on straight.".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my blonde co-worker began following me out the door, the Boss asked her, "... just where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Mexican Death Penalty

Flab

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said,
"If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.
"This was beyond tolerable, and pissed her off, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wiener".
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

No Sympathy Here!

The following excerpt is taken from a letter, written by a lady, to the troops in Iraq. (Works for me!). Hopefully, it will remind a few of those turn-the-other-cheek, bleeding-heart, liberals,(who by the way, deserve to have both cheeks slapped, and also a stiff kick to the groin.), that 911 was a carefully thought out, planned , and executed attack, by the same people, who will do it again , if given half a chance.

"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not Started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, (mostly Americans), NOT brutally Murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from Our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ? Did nearly three Thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing Death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated', when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well,I don't! I don't care at all!
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible ( the mere possession of which is a crimeIn Saudi Arabia ). I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head, while Berg screamed through his Gurgling, slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out And fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs. I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law , instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave Marine Roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care!
When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care!
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move, because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care!
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a Prayer mat, and fed 'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' You can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care!
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled"Koran" and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and---- you got it, I DON'T CARE!"

JIHAD

The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in Canada and the United States

Allah or Jesus? by:Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their belief systems.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven.
If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"
There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine the Pope commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Protestants doing the same in order to go to Heaven.
The Imam was speechless.
I continued, "I also have problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.

I think everyone in the US and Canada should be required to read this. This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well known leader in prison ministry.

*Think about this, with all the Islamic people now in the Canada and the USA , building their Temples............. Do we really feel safe here in our own country ?...... Can we reclaim our world ? Or is it already too late ?

Older Employees

DEAR ELDER EMPLOYEE.........................
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are, Dear Employee, forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Clubbing - A Brand New Season

TO COMMEMORATE THE ANNUAL SEAL HUNT, WHICH KICKED OFF IT'S FESTIVE SEASON YESTERDAY, AND TO HONOR THOSE POOR MISUNDERSTOOD SEAL HUNTERS, AND THEIR PLIGHT TO EKE OUT AN EXISTENCE IN THE HARSH CANADIAN WILDERNESS, I OFFER YOU A REVISITATION OF LAST YEAR'S POST.





In the above picture, "sealers" are using a long picklike tool to both separate and then kill the seals. (I have been told that this tool is called a "gaff") Although usually lethal, occasionally the seals are skinned alive. This, i'm sure, is quite painful and an unpleasant experience. The little, white fuzzy ones don't seem to be moving very fast... maybe they want to be clubbed? I doubt it, but Mother Nature is an odd one.I wish i had one of those pick thingies. They look cool.
This man seems to be enjoying his work. Evidently fishermen with their big boats can't compete with the fuzzy little devils, so they like to see bashed seal skulls. In fact at one point they would pay $0.20 per seal. Sounds like easy money to me.The meat used to be used as did the skins, but now the primary reasons seals are killed are for their penises (used in Chinese aphrodesiacs) and for enjoyment.
How can you not club a face like that?
I don't know... sometimes the idea of clubbing innocent animals to a screaming, bloody death calms me. Sometimes it just makes me hungry. I don't know.
Every year, when the time is "right" (as soon as the ice conditions permit), a small group of caucasian "hunters" find their way to the ice floes and proceed to club, bludgeon, stun, shoot, and dismember thousands of young and adult Harp seals in a brutal manner of which most people can hardly imagine. As many as 45% of the animals are skinned alive and the males are routinely dismembered for their penis bone alone. Moreover, independent observers have noted that as many as 1 out of 3 "targeted" seals slip away wounded into the ice holes and sea leads to be uncounted, unnoted, and unused in any way, shape, or form. Only small amounts of the seal's meat is processed and utilized in any manner. It is rarely eaten by non indigenous peoples for food due to its relatively heavy fatty and oily composition. Small amounts are used for the pet food trade or fur farms, while the rest is simply left to rot on the ice.

Tattoos

Larry got home late one night and his wife, said, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replied, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
" Had'em put a hundred dollar bill on the old frankfurter ," he said proudly."
What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his Dick ?"
"Well......one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
like to play with my money. Three, I like how my money feels in my hand.
And, four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Flying

A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood, as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came sashaying down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly lovely people, so, if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman, hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."
The woman calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, which means that I out-rank you.
So, tray-up, bitch!!!"

Breasts

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

Going For Gold

A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.
BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED".
THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD.
A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.
SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.
THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"
THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD, BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH, I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."
SO!!!, THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"
"NO! NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET, AFTER YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."

Canadian Humor

Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on their International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: NO? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A: No, We prefer to stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegans. Milk is illegal.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Locals

A woman sitting in a restaurant, in upstate New York, suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, so two locals, named Steve and Ernie, turned to help her.
"Kin ya swallow?" asked Steve.
The woman signalled No, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Ernie.
The woman shook her head NO!
With that, Steve walked behind her, lifted her dress, pulled down her underwear, and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her ass. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth, and she began to breathe again.
Steve swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Ernie, dumbfounded, said in admiration "Ya know Steve, I'd heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but thats the first time I ever seen somebody do it"

The Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does y our husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"No officer, only when he's been drinking."

Exams

A professor was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.
One smart-ass student asked,“What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter subsided, the professor glared at the student and said,“That's not an excuse. You can just use your other hand to write with.”

Are You A Republican Or A Democrat

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist ,with a huge knife, comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt 45 Automatic, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,healthier street, that would discourage such behaviour.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.


A Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Reload), BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Mike's Birthday

"Hello, is this the Drug Enforcement Agency? "
"Yes. How may we help you? "
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding illegal drugs inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir. Let me take down his address, and we will look into this. "
The next day, drug enforcement officers descended on Mike's farmhouse. They searched the grounds, and found the shed, where a huge pile of firewood was kept. Then, after questioning the owner to no avail, using axes, they split open every piece of wood. After not finding any drugs, they swore at Mike, and he swore at them, and then, finally, exhausted, they gave up and left.
Later that afternoon, the phone rang at Mike's house......."Hey, Mike! Did the cops come to your house?"
"Yeah! "
"Did they chop your firewood? "
" Yep. "
"Happy Birthday, Buddy. "

Old Guys

One day, three old guys were sitting on a bench, talking about life. One was a man, in his sixties, another in his seventies, and the third guy, was in his eighties.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't even have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
Well, I don't get up until 7:00!!

The Dog Who Snored

Once, there was an elderly couple who had a dog that snored. Constantly annoyed, because she couldn't sleep, the wife went to the vet to see if he could help. The vet told the woman, to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he would stop snoring.

That evening, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog began to snore, as usual. The wife tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Finally, muttering to herself, she went to the closet and grabbed a piece of red ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring! The woman was amazed!

Later that night, her husband returned home, drunk again, from being out with his buddies. He climbed into bed, fell asleep and immediately began to snore loudly. His wife figured, that maybe the ribbon might work on him also. So she returned to the closet again, grabbed a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also worked on him! The happy wife then slept very soundly.

A couple of hours later, the husband woke from his drunken stupor, and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his balls. He was very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shook his head, looked at the dog, grinned, and whispered, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!!

Those Damn Women Drivers

One morning, while driving to work, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror !
She was putting on her eyeliner!!! I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, and still working on her makeup!!!

Shit!! As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked
my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!

Ahkmed's Rights

I don't know if this really happened, but it is interesting.

A lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

She received back the following reply:
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahkmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahkmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded, in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahkmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahkmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion this might offend him.
Ahkmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code, that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahkmed - and remember...We'll be watching. Good luck!
Best wishes to all,
Gary

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hired a young female clerk who liked to
wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk,
and then at the loaves of bread, behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof), and the location
of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin
bread please" the man said.

The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the
raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young
man standing, almost directly beneath her, was provided with an
excellent view, just as he figured. As she descended
the ladder he said that he really should get two loaves, as he
was having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly,
he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the
eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, every guy who came in,
was asking for raisin bread, just to see up her skirt, as she climbed up and down.
After awhile she became tired, and irritated, but said to herself," This bread must be really good."

On the next trip up the ladder, she suddenly stopped, realizing what was going on. She turned and glared
at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Pissed off, and tired
she yelled at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammered the old man, "but it's a-quiverin.'"

GUTS VS BALLS

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys. Being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still up cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late, after a night out with the guys. Smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Mice

Three male mice were sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila, arguing about how tough they were.
The first mouse said, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the second mouse.
The second mouse replied, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the third mouse.
The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and began walking away from the bar.
The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse replied, "Home to shag the cat."

Anger Management

"When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know."
One day, I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make to my anger management therapist. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Sarah Brown?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number asshole!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Sarah's correct number, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

A few weeks later, I was at my local grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot, when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield. It's a yellow rancher, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
A week later, I came up with a brilliant idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
"Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
"My name is Jimbob Walton."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield, and I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now,Jimbob, And you had better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and then I hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
"Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
"Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
NExt, I called Channel 9 News , and told them of a gang war, about to go down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairield.
Then, I got in my car and sped over to Fairfield.
It was a beautiful scene. The two assholes were beating the crap out of each other, in front of six cop cars, a news helicopter, and a couple of TV news reporters.
After laughing so hard, that I broke into tears, I suddenly realized, that I hadn't felt this good in years.
" I guess Anger management really does work!"

Fishing

One day, two Polish men rented a boat and went fishing at their favorite lake. They were amazed at the number of fish that they were catching, so one said to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other replied, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then took a can of spray paint, painted an X on the bottom of the boat, and said, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy laughed at him amd said, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

A Tale Of Two Showers

How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket,according to whites and colors.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot soap, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mold spots with cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry off with a towel, the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom, wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her, while making woo-hoo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, and let the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, and crotch, leaving pubic hair stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse, and get out of the shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor.
Admire knob size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, and leave lights and fan on.
Return to bedroom, with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake your knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Throw wet towel on bed.
Head to kitchen.

CANADIANS

A Somali arrives in Toronto. He is a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.Canadian for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having me to such a beautiful country of Canada! "
The person says "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada.
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not a Canadian.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The Jamaican lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."

A Disgruntled Muslim Sympathizer

This guy (LOS)decided to leave a comment pertaining to the Muslim article posted a couple of days ago. Because I had already moved on, he didn't get to spew his bullshit for everyone else to read. So I thought I would give him his forum.
Feel free to add your comments.

As for you "LOS", I don't drink coffee. As for calling the rest of us who live in this country, "stupid assholes" , you are a fucking hypocrite, who is enjoying a life of freedom in Colorado, provided by the very people you seem to loathe. The rest of the world sure doesn't call us assholes, when they have a natural or man-made disaster, and are looking to us for money, medical supplies, and food. And as usual, we rise to the occasion.
Why don't YOU get off of your ass, find some more terrorist sympathizers, who feel as you do, buy some airtime on radio and TV, and speak out against the atrocities committed by your fellow Americans. As far as I am concerned, Weasilkiller's article summed things up , very nicely. As for pollution, I will assume that you either ride a bike, or walk everywhere you go, and don't heat your house, using either fossil fuels or wood. Also, I would be willing to bet, that you didn't walk to the library, or internet cafe, to type your comment. Interestingly enough, you sound just like one of those "higher than thou" people you wrote about.

Los said...
There are a lot of moderate Muslims and ordinary people Muslims that don't agree with what the extremist's that use the name "Muslim" to carry out their horrible acts. But the mainstream news doesn't listen to them any more than they listen to the average everyday chistian. People aren't terrorists simply because they are muslim, or arab, or from Sri Lanka, they are generally terorists because they are evil people. There are plenty of terrorist acts here in the US that happen every day. Most are carried out by the large corporations, polluting the air, using up our natural resources and charging us for it and making record profits off of the common person. Think about how we live and how the rest of the world lives and our higher than thou attitudes and our do as I say, not as I do mentality and you really won't wonder to much why the rest of the world thinks we are a land of stupid assholes. It's why they hate us. We have maintained a war of terror on the rest of the world for over 50 years in the name or protecting our way of life and consumption, they are finally starting to fight back with the only means they have... car bombs, ak-47's and bombs strapped to their bodies. Think about that while you sit in your warm house in front of your new Dell computer and drink your fresh cup of coffee.
9:45 AM, February 11, 2006

Golfing

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off, and were enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and exclaimed, "Shit! I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his very next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he missed again. The usual comment followed.
The nun was really mad now and said, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swung and missed again. "Shit, I missed."
At that moment, a terrible rumble was heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning shot out of the sky and struck Sister Mary dead in her tracks.
And from the sky came a booming voice ....... "Shit, I missed."

OUTRAGED MUSLIMS! Editorial By Wesley Weasilkiller(Guest Post)

Thanks to badgerbob for letting me vent!

We wake up this morning to see video on CNN and BBC showing rampaging Muslims around the world. In Europe, the Middle East, the Pacific Rim, Muslim Mobs are spreading mayhem. It seems that these mighty mad Muslims are rioting and firing their ever-present AK-47s into the air because of cartoons.
Yup ... this latest epidemic of Muslim outrage comes to us because some newspapers in Norway and Denmark published cartoons depicting Mohammed. Muslim outrage huh.

OK ... let's do a little historical review. Just some lowlights:
a.. Muslims fly commercial airliners into buildings in New York City. No Muslim outrage.
b.. Muslim officials block the exit where school girls are trying to escape a burning building because their faces were exposed. No Muslim outrage.
c.. Muslims cut off the heads of three teenaged girls on their way to school in Indonesia. A Christian school. No Muslim outrage.
d.. Muslims murder teachers trying to teach Muslim children in Iraq. No Muslim outrage.
e.. Muslims murder over 80 tourists with car bombs outside cafes and hotels in Egypt. No Muslim outrage.
f.. A Muslim attacks a missionary children's school in India. Kills six. No Muslim outrage.
g.. Muslims slaughter hundreds of children and teachers in Beslan, Russia. Muslims shoot children in the back. No Muslim outrage.
h.. Let's go way back. Muslims kidnap and kill athletes at the Munich Summer Olympics. No Muslim outrage.
i.. Muslims fire rocket-propelled grenades into schools full of children in Israel. No Muslim outrage.
j.. Muslims murder more than 50 commuters in attacks on London subways and busses. Over 700 are injured. No Muslim outrage.
k.. Muslims massacre dozens of innocents at a Passover Seder. No Muslim outrage.
l.. Muslims murder innocent vacationers in Bali. No Muslim outrage.
m.. Muslim newspapers publish anti-Semitic cartoons. No Muslim outrage
n.. Muslims are involved, on one side or the other, in almost every one of the 125+ shooting wars around the world. No Muslim outrage.
o..Muslims beat the charred bodies of Western civilians with their shoes, then hang them from a bridge. No Muslim outrage.


p.. Newspapers in Denmark and Norway publish cartoons depicting Mohammed. MUSLIMS ARE OUTRAGED.

Dead children. Dead tourists. Dead teachers. Dead doctors and nurses. Death, destruction and mayhem around the world at the hands of Muslims .. no Muslim outrage ... but publish a cartoon depicting Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and all hell breaks loose.
Come on, is this really about cartoons? They're rampaging and burning flags. They're looking for Europeans to kidnap. They're threatening innkeepers and generally raising holy Muslim hell not because of any outrage over a cartoon. They're outraged because it is part of the Islamic jihadist culture to be outraged. You don't really need a reason. You just need an excuse. Wandering around, destroying property, murdering children, firing guns into the air and feigning outrage over the slightest perceived insult is to a jihadist what tailgating is to a Steeler's fan. I know and understand that these bloodthirsty murderers do not represent the majority of the world's Muslims.
When, though, do they become outraged? When do they take to the streets to express their outrage at the radicals who are making their religion the object of worldwide hatred and ridicule?
Islamic writer Salman Rushdie wrote of these silent Muslims in a New York Times article three years ago. "As their ancient, deeply civilized culture of love, art and philosophical reflection is hijacked by paranoiacs, racists, liars, male supremacists, tyrants, fanatics and violence junkies, why are they not screaming?"

Indeed. Why not?

ABOUT ME

Long overdue for Nym, and at the request of Wax Lion!

Words Of Wisdom

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"(During an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.)
Brooke Shields


"I've never had major knee surgery, on any other part of my body,"
University of Kentucky Basketball Forward Winston Bennett


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas

The Polish Gunman

A Polish guy came home from work one day, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I'm home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screamed. "You're next!"

A Day At The Pound

There was a pit-bull, a Doberman, and a beagle, all locked up in the local dog pound. The pit-bull decided to speak freely and said, "Ya know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Doberman spoke up and said, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me, since that stinkin baby came along, and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor, I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and the Doberman look at the beagle and asked, "What are you in for?"
The beagle replied, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day . When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asked, "So when are you being put to sleep?"
The beagle replied, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just here to have my nails trimmed and groomed."

Memories

A guy was waiting in the checkout line at the Super Market one evening, when he looked behind him ,and noticed a very pretty blonde, who raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He was rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and then thought that she looked vaguely familiar. He couldn't place where he might know her from, so he said "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replied "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"
Horrified, he thought back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he said. "Are you that stripper, from my stag night, that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"
"Noooo" she replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day.

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to theshopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.....................................................













He opens his mouth and says."I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses".

If you got this wrong , spend the rest of your day getting drunk to help cope with your obvious stupidity.

Brokeback Mountain

One day, two cowboys were riding the range, and checking fences, when they came across a sheep, with its head stuck in the fence. The first cowboy , got off his horse, walked over, screwed the sheep, pulled up his pants, got back on his horse, and lit a cigarette.
The other cowboy just stared at him ,in total shock.
"Sorry ," said the first cowboy, "Do you want to have a go?"
The second cowboy thought about it for a moment, smiled and said, "Allright".
He got off his horse, pulled down his pants, hobbled over to the fence, stuck his head in it and said,
"Well, come on then!"

ALLIGATORS

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling.
''WHICH ONE OF YOU STINKIN SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?'' he yelled.
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T WANT TO BE FORCED, TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and found that his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy looked back at him, and said, ''I had to walk home.''

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet”.
“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee”.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, backbacon, double smoked bacon…every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree”.
“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don’ forget”.
“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon…ees nomeerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that…Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens fire, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe…go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo…what ees eet?”
“Pepe…ees not a bacon tree…. Ees, a Ham Bush”

ARE YOU A PSYCHO ????

Psychopath test:
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
















































































Answer:She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...

Horseback Riding

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along, and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!", so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant."
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles

The Perfect Chain Letter

At last !! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your male friends.

INSTRUCTIONS:
anesthetize your wife, and put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the mail.
Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you mailed off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!
One guy for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original girlfriend back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial _expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the guy that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate........ send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; none of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake

The Eye

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and saw a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back to her.
"Oh my! I am so sorry ", the woman said, as she popped her eye back in it's place. "Let me buy your dinner, to say thankyou," she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre and followed up with drinks. They talked, they laughed, and she shared her deepest dreams with him. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come back to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast . The guy was amazed!! Everything had been so incredible!!! !
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replied, "you just happened to catch my eye"

Gender Bending

You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female.
Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

The Painter

A blonde woman decided one day, that she was sick and tired of hearing her husband
tell blonde jokes, and listening to him say, that so many blondes are just plain dumb. So she decided to set an example, to show her husband that lots of blondes really are smart.
While her husband was at work, she decided that she would paint the house, and so she set to work.
Later, that afternoon, her husband arrived home to the distinctive smell of paint.
He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor, in a pool of sweat, looking exhausted.
He found it odd, that she was wearing a winter parka and a leather jacket at the same time, and asked her if she felt ok.
She said she was just a little overheated from working, all day.
He asked what she had been doing, and she said that she had wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and had decided to do this by painting the house.
He thought about this for a minute, and then asked her, why she had on a parka, over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..........
For best results, put on two coats!!!

Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their
cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of
milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,
"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,
ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
drank the milk,,,,,,,,,
shit on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

A Politically Correct Christmas

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006 of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendarsof choice of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious faith, or sexual preference or practices of the wishee.By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishers.This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual applicationof good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishers. All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute. In spite of being advised that the above small print should be included, we will content ourselves with:Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Great Debate

When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, this is how it went:
The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And so in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole.

Posties

There was a man who worked for the Post Office . His job was processing all mail with poorly written addresses. One day, a letter came addressed to God, in shaky handwriting . He decided to open it, to see what it was about.

The letter read,
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his co- workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady, and addressed to God. Everyone gathered round, while the letter was opened.

It read; Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4.00 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.