Locals

A woman sitting in a restaurant, in upstate New York, suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, so two locals, named Steve and Ernie, turned to help her.
"Kin ya swallow?" asked Steve.
The woman signalled No, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Ernie.
The woman shook her head NO!
With that, Steve walked behind her, lifted her dress, pulled down her underwear, and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her ass. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth, and she began to breathe again.
Steve swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Ernie, dumbfounded, said in admiration "Ya know Steve, I'd heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but thats the first time I ever seen somebody do it"

The Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does y our husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"No officer, only when he's been drinking."

Exams

A professor was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.
One smart-ass student asked,“What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter subsided, the professor glared at the student and said,“That's not an excuse. You can just use your other hand to write with.”

Are You A Republican Or A Democrat

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist ,with a huge knife, comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt 45 Automatic, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,healthier street, that would discourage such behaviour.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.


A Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Reload), BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Mike's Birthday

"Hello, is this the Drug Enforcement Agency? "
"Yes. How may we help you? "
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding illegal drugs inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir. Let me take down his address, and we will look into this. "
The next day, drug enforcement officers descended on Mike's farmhouse. They searched the grounds, and found the shed, where a huge pile of firewood was kept. Then, after questioning the owner to no avail, using axes, they split open every piece of wood. After not finding any drugs, they swore at Mike, and he swore at them, and then, finally, exhausted, they gave up and left.
Later that afternoon, the phone rang at Mike's house......."Hey, Mike! Did the cops come to your house?"
"Yeah! "
"Did they chop your firewood? "
" Yep. "
"Happy Birthday, Buddy. "

Old Guys

One day, three old guys were sitting on a bench, talking about life. One was a man, in his sixties, another in his seventies, and the third guy, was in his eighties.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't even have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
Well, I don't get up until 7:00!!

The Dog Who Snored

Once, there was an elderly couple who had a dog that snored. Constantly annoyed, because she couldn't sleep, the wife went to the vet to see if he could help. The vet told the woman, to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he would stop snoring.

That evening, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog began to snore, as usual. The wife tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Finally, muttering to herself, she went to the closet and grabbed a piece of red ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring! The woman was amazed!

Later that night, her husband returned home, drunk again, from being out with his buddies. He climbed into bed, fell asleep and immediately began to snore loudly. His wife figured, that maybe the ribbon might work on him also. So she returned to the closet again, grabbed a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also worked on him! The happy wife then slept very soundly.

A couple of hours later, the husband woke from his drunken stupor, and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his balls. He was very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shook his head, looked at the dog, grinned, and whispered, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!!

Those Damn Women Drivers

One morning, while driving to work, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror !
She was putting on her eyeliner!!! I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, and still working on her makeup!!!

Shit!! As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked
my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!

Ahkmed's Rights

I don't know if this really happened, but it is interesting.

A lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

She received back the following reply:
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahkmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahkmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded, in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahkmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahkmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion this might offend him.
Ahkmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code, that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahkmed - and remember...We'll be watching. Good luck!
Best wishes to all,
Gary

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hired a young female clerk who liked to
wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk,
and then at the loaves of bread, behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof), and the location
of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin
bread please" the man said.

The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the
raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young
man standing, almost directly beneath her, was provided with an
excellent view, just as he figured. As she descended
the ladder he said that he really should get two loaves, as he
was having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly,
he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the
eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, every guy who came in,
was asking for raisin bread, just to see up her skirt, as she climbed up and down.
After awhile she became tired, and irritated, but said to herself," This bread must be really good."

On the next trip up the ladder, she suddenly stopped, realizing what was going on. She turned and glared
at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Pissed off, and tired
she yelled at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammered the old man, "but it's a-quiverin.'"

GUTS VS BALLS

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys. Being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still up cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late, after a night out with the guys. Smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Mice

Three male mice were sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila, arguing about how tough they were.
The first mouse said, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the second mouse.
The second mouse replied, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the third mouse.
The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and began walking away from the bar.
The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse replied, "Home to shag the cat."

Anger Management

"When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know."
One day, I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make to my anger management therapist. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Sarah Brown?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number asshole!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Sarah's correct number, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

A few weeks later, I was at my local grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot, when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield. It's a yellow rancher, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
A week later, I came up with a brilliant idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
"Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
"My name is Jimbob Walton."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield, and I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now,Jimbob, And you had better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and then I hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
"Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
"Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
NExt, I called Channel 9 News , and told them of a gang war, about to go down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairield.
Then, I got in my car and sped over to Fairfield.
It was a beautiful scene. The two assholes were beating the crap out of each other, in front of six cop cars, a news helicopter, and a couple of TV news reporters.
After laughing so hard, that I broke into tears, I suddenly realized, that I hadn't felt this good in years.
" I guess Anger management really does work!"

Fishing

One day, two Polish men rented a boat and went fishing at their favorite lake. They were amazed at the number of fish that they were catching, so one said to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other replied, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then took a can of spray paint, painted an X on the bottom of the boat, and said, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy laughed at him amd said, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

A Tale Of Two Showers

How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket,according to whites and colors.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot soap, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mold spots with cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry off with a towel, the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom, wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her, while making woo-hoo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, and let the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, and crotch, leaving pubic hair stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse, and get out of the shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor.
Admire knob size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, and leave lights and fan on.
Return to bedroom, with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake your knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Throw wet towel on bed.
Head to kitchen.

CANADIANS

A Somali arrives in Toronto. He is a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.Canadian for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having me to such a beautiful country of Canada! "
The person says "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada.
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not a Canadian.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The Jamaican lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."

A Disgruntled Muslim Sympathizer

This guy (LOS)decided to leave a comment pertaining to the Muslim article posted a couple of days ago. Because I had already moved on, he didn't get to spew his bullshit for everyone else to read. So I thought I would give him his forum.
Feel free to add your comments.

As for you "LOS", I don't drink coffee. As for calling the rest of us who live in this country, "stupid assholes" , you are a fucking hypocrite, who is enjoying a life of freedom in Colorado, provided by the very people you seem to loathe. The rest of the world sure doesn't call us assholes, when they have a natural or man-made disaster, and are looking to us for money, medical supplies, and food. And as usual, we rise to the occasion.
Why don't YOU get off of your ass, find some more terrorist sympathizers, who feel as you do, buy some airtime on radio and TV, and speak out against the atrocities committed by your fellow Americans. As far as I am concerned, Weasilkiller's article summed things up , very nicely. As for pollution, I will assume that you either ride a bike, or walk everywhere you go, and don't heat your house, using either fossil fuels or wood. Also, I would be willing to bet, that you didn't walk to the library, or internet cafe, to type your comment. Interestingly enough, you sound just like one of those "higher than thou" people you wrote about.

Los said...
There are a lot of moderate Muslims and ordinary people Muslims that don't agree with what the extremist's that use the name "Muslim" to carry out their horrible acts. But the mainstream news doesn't listen to them any more than they listen to the average everyday chistian. People aren't terrorists simply because they are muslim, or arab, or from Sri Lanka, they are generally terorists because they are evil people. There are plenty of terrorist acts here in the US that happen every day. Most are carried out by the large corporations, polluting the air, using up our natural resources and charging us for it and making record profits off of the common person. Think about how we live and how the rest of the world lives and our higher than thou attitudes and our do as I say, not as I do mentality and you really won't wonder to much why the rest of the world thinks we are a land of stupid assholes. It's why they hate us. We have maintained a war of terror on the rest of the world for over 50 years in the name or protecting our way of life and consumption, they are finally starting to fight back with the only means they have... car bombs, ak-47's and bombs strapped to their bodies. Think about that while you sit in your warm house in front of your new Dell computer and drink your fresh cup of coffee.
9:45 AM, February 11, 2006

Golfing

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off, and were enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and exclaimed, "Shit! I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his very next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he missed again. The usual comment followed.
The nun was really mad now and said, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swung and missed again. "Shit, I missed."
At that moment, a terrible rumble was heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning shot out of the sky and struck Sister Mary dead in her tracks.
And from the sky came a booming voice ....... "Shit, I missed."

OUTRAGED MUSLIMS! Editorial By Wesley Weasilkiller(Guest Post)

Thanks to badgerbob for letting me vent!

We wake up this morning to see video on CNN and BBC showing rampaging Muslims around the world. In Europe, the Middle East, the Pacific Rim, Muslim Mobs are spreading mayhem. It seems that these mighty mad Muslims are rioting and firing their ever-present AK-47s into the air because of cartoons.
Yup ... this latest epidemic of Muslim outrage comes to us because some newspapers in Norway and Denmark published cartoons depicting Mohammed. Muslim outrage huh.

OK ... let's do a little historical review. Just some lowlights:
a.. Muslims fly commercial airliners into buildings in New York City. No Muslim outrage.
b.. Muslim officials block the exit where school girls are trying to escape a burning building because their faces were exposed. No Muslim outrage.
c.. Muslims cut off the heads of three teenaged girls on their way to school in Indonesia. A Christian school. No Muslim outrage.
d.. Muslims murder teachers trying to teach Muslim children in Iraq. No Muslim outrage.
e.. Muslims murder over 80 tourists with car bombs outside cafes and hotels in Egypt. No Muslim outrage.
f.. A Muslim attacks a missionary children's school in India. Kills six. No Muslim outrage.
g.. Muslims slaughter hundreds of children and teachers in Beslan, Russia. Muslims shoot children in the back. No Muslim outrage.
h.. Let's go way back. Muslims kidnap and kill athletes at the Munich Summer Olympics. No Muslim outrage.
i.. Muslims fire rocket-propelled grenades into schools full of children in Israel. No Muslim outrage.
j.. Muslims murder more than 50 commuters in attacks on London subways and busses. Over 700 are injured. No Muslim outrage.
k.. Muslims massacre dozens of innocents at a Passover Seder. No Muslim outrage.
l.. Muslims murder innocent vacationers in Bali. No Muslim outrage.
m.. Muslim newspapers publish anti-Semitic cartoons. No Muslim outrage
n.. Muslims are involved, on one side or the other, in almost every one of the 125+ shooting wars around the world. No Muslim outrage.
o..Muslims beat the charred bodies of Western civilians with their shoes, then hang them from a bridge. No Muslim outrage.


p.. Newspapers in Denmark and Norway publish cartoons depicting Mohammed. MUSLIMS ARE OUTRAGED.

Dead children. Dead tourists. Dead teachers. Dead doctors and nurses. Death, destruction and mayhem around the world at the hands of Muslims .. no Muslim outrage ... but publish a cartoon depicting Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and all hell breaks loose.
Come on, is this really about cartoons? They're rampaging and burning flags. They're looking for Europeans to kidnap. They're threatening innkeepers and generally raising holy Muslim hell not because of any outrage over a cartoon. They're outraged because it is part of the Islamic jihadist culture to be outraged. You don't really need a reason. You just need an excuse. Wandering around, destroying property, murdering children, firing guns into the air and feigning outrage over the slightest perceived insult is to a jihadist what tailgating is to a Steeler's fan. I know and understand that these bloodthirsty murderers do not represent the majority of the world's Muslims.
When, though, do they become outraged? When do they take to the streets to express their outrage at the radicals who are making their religion the object of worldwide hatred and ridicule?
Islamic writer Salman Rushdie wrote of these silent Muslims in a New York Times article three years ago. "As their ancient, deeply civilized culture of love, art and philosophical reflection is hijacked by paranoiacs, racists, liars, male supremacists, tyrants, fanatics and violence junkies, why are they not screaming?"

Indeed. Why not?

ABOUT ME

Long overdue for Nym, and at the request of Wax Lion!

Words Of Wisdom

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"(During an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.)
Brooke Shields


"I've never had major knee surgery, on any other part of my body,"
University of Kentucky Basketball Forward Winston Bennett


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas

The Polish Gunman

A Polish guy came home from work one day, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I'm home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screamed. "You're next!"

A Day At The Pound

There was a pit-bull, a Doberman, and a beagle, all locked up in the local dog pound. The pit-bull decided to speak freely and said, "Ya know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Doberman spoke up and said, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me, since that stinkin baby came along, and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor, I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and the Doberman look at the beagle and asked, "What are you in for?"
The beagle replied, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day . When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asked, "So when are you being put to sleep?"
The beagle replied, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just here to have my nails trimmed and groomed."

Memories

A guy was waiting in the checkout line at the Super Market one evening, when he looked behind him ,and noticed a very pretty blonde, who raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He was rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and then thought that she looked vaguely familiar. He couldn't place where he might know her from, so he said "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replied "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"
Horrified, he thought back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he said. "Are you that stripper, from my stag night, that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"
"Noooo" she replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day.

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to theshopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.....................................................













He opens his mouth and says."I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses".

If you got this wrong , spend the rest of your day getting drunk to help cope with your obvious stupidity.

Brokeback Mountain

One day, two cowboys were riding the range, and checking fences, when they came across a sheep, with its head stuck in the fence. The first cowboy , got off his horse, walked over, screwed the sheep, pulled up his pants, got back on his horse, and lit a cigarette.
The other cowboy just stared at him ,in total shock.
"Sorry ," said the first cowboy, "Do you want to have a go?"
The second cowboy thought about it for a moment, smiled and said, "Allright".
He got off his horse, pulled down his pants, hobbled over to the fence, stuck his head in it and said,
"Well, come on then!"

ALLIGATORS

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling.
''WHICH ONE OF YOU STINKIN SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?'' he yelled.
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T WANT TO BE FORCED, TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and found that his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy looked back at him, and said, ''I had to walk home.''

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet”.
“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee”.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, backbacon, double smoked bacon…every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree”.
“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don’ forget”.
“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon…ees nomeerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that…Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens fire, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe…go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo…what ees eet?”
“Pepe…ees not a bacon tree…. Ees, a Ham Bush”

ARE YOU A PSYCHO ????

Psychopath test:
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
















































































Answer:She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...

Horseback Riding

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along, and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!", so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant."
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles

The Perfect Chain Letter

At last !! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your male friends.

INSTRUCTIONS:
anesthetize your wife, and put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the mail.
Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you mailed off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!
One guy for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original girlfriend back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial _expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the guy that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate........ send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; none of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake

The Eye

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and saw a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back to her.
"Oh my! I am so sorry ", the woman said, as she popped her eye back in it's place. "Let me buy your dinner, to say thankyou," she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre and followed up with drinks. They talked, they laughed, and she shared her deepest dreams with him. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come back to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast . The guy was amazed!! Everything had been so incredible!!! !
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replied, "you just happened to catch my eye"

Gender Bending

You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female.
Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

The Painter

A blonde woman decided one day, that she was sick and tired of hearing her husband
tell blonde jokes, and listening to him say, that so many blondes are just plain dumb. So she decided to set an example, to show her husband that lots of blondes really are smart.
While her husband was at work, she decided that she would paint the house, and so she set to work.
Later, that afternoon, her husband arrived home to the distinctive smell of paint.
He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor, in a pool of sweat, looking exhausted.
He found it odd, that she was wearing a winter parka and a leather jacket at the same time, and asked her if she felt ok.
She said she was just a little overheated from working, all day.
He asked what she had been doing, and she said that she had wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and had decided to do this by painting the house.
He thought about this for a minute, and then asked her, why she had on a parka, over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..........
For best results, put on two coats!!!

Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their
cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of
milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,
"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,
ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
drank the milk,,,,,,,,,
shit on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

A Politically Correct Christmas

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006 of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendarsof choice of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious faith, or sexual preference or practices of the wishee.By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishers.This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual applicationof good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishers. All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute. In spite of being advised that the above small print should be included, we will content ourselves with:Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Great Debate

When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, this is how it went:
The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And so in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole.

Posties

There was a man who worked for the Post Office . His job was processing all mail with poorly written addresses. One day, a letter came addressed to God, in shaky handwriting . He decided to open it, to see what it was about.

The letter read,
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his co- workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady, and addressed to God. Everyone gathered round, while the letter was opened.

It read; Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4.00 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
The guy said "No." and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.
The end.

Back In The Saddle Again !!!

Whew!! It's been a wild and woolly ten day ride. Who would of thought that his friends would get him drunk, pack him in a box, and ship him to Afghanistan for bleeping Christmas. Not fucking me!!! The fact that I was given a flashlight and a couple of snickers bars, doesn't lessen my shock and dismay , not to mention my anger, one little bit.
Packed in a crate, marked as "Earthquake Relief Supplies", was not the way I had expected to spend my Christmas. Left with my ID, and a credit card. I guess my so called drinking buddies, figured I could just walk to the nearest 7-11 in Buttfuck Afganistan,(the locals refer to it as Shahr-i-Buzurg), and call a taxi to take me to the nearest airport. The country has a ratio of a whopping 1.4 cars, for every 1000 people. Thank god for those Canadian relief workers, especially the one who did those funny dances, for no apparent reason. She was either very happy, or a little touched in the head, but that's another story. They managed to get me on a plane back to reality.

Christmas From A Woman's Perspective

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's taking so long, aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

Christmas in New York

Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the woods,
Not a creature was stirring, not even the hoods.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they'd all still be there.
Me an this skank, were getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for a head.

When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!
I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin' fat guy!

With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight, he looked, like Dom DeLouise.
He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.

As he crept off the roof, it became so clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.

I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!
He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn't see blood.

Instead he rolled over, looked at me in the eye.
When I saw who I'd hit, I near started to cry.
I said "Hey 'yo Santa, I'm sorry all right?"
"Not for nuttin" he said, "but this just ain't my night!"

"I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns."
"Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf's got the runs..."
"I'm out all freakin' night, I'm bustin' my hump."
"But I can't finish now, not with this lump!"

"So do me a favor, and be a real pal."
"Take over for me...be Santa, Sal."
I say 'Yo! I'm from Brooklyn, I ain't right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.

He made me a offer, I couldn't refuse.
Stop at every house....and this will you amuse.
I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.

Took off on my mission, didn't want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin' my date.
That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don't believe that...hey, jingle dis!

Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat, and he's old.
I'm his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don't you be surprised.

If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
"Merry Christmas to all, yo!,thanks alot...eh - shutup!"

Jail

Twas the night before Christmas,And all through the cells,
The convicts were locked up, All madder than hell.
Except for the lifers, kicked back in their bunks,
Heads filled with visions, of fat little punks

When suddenly from the roof top, there arose such a roar,
that the bulls thought it was, a riot for sure.
The goon squad ran in, and stood ready to hit.
A big guard yelled out,"Who started this shit".

"It came from the roof top", sniveled a snitch.
It must be a breakout, "Oh, son of a bitch"
They climbed to the rooftop, by way of the stairs.
Found a fat bastard, in red underwear.

"No, No", yelled the dude."I bring you good cheer."
"Damn!", said the Captain. "We found us a queer."
"Alright mother fucker! Get your hands on the wall."
They shook him down good, asshole and all.

They found him a cell, and heaved him in, with a kick.
Well so much for Christmas. They locked up St. Nick

The Night Before Christmas Part1

Twas the night before Christmas old Santa was pissed, He cussd out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, Ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind, To scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night, the elves want more money, And the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is Pregnant, Vixon has AIDS
And just when I thought That things would get better, The IRS, They sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes, If that aint damn funny.. Who ever sends ME any money?

Surprises

One evening, after work, a man stopped by his local bar for a beer. He struck up a conversation with a woman sitting on the stool next to him. The attraction was mutual, which led to dinner, and continued into an invitation for a nightcap. This in turn led to a night long session of lovemaking. The next morning he noticed a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. Panic set in, and he began to get worried.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asked.
"No, silly!," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continued
."No, nothing like that!" she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquired, hopefully.
"No, no, no!!!" she answered.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demanded.
" That's me, before the operation", she replied.

FLORIDA

Florida (Reuters)
Day 2 - Florida Blizzard 2005- Revenge of the Commuters

Chilled Florida commuters faced their second day of winter hell today,as an additional ¼ inch of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower half of the state to its knees, and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops.
Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particle and experts from Minnesota are being flown in.
With temperatures dipping to near zero , Floridians were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out. Miami police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso, or biscotti to see them through Florida's most terrible storm to date.
The local Walmart reported, that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive. Although most have no idea how to use it. Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority
reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25
below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Target.
"The government has to do something," snarled an angry movie star. "I didn't pay $940,000 for my one bedroom condo, so I could sit around and be treated like someone from New York."

The Accident

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident one snowy, cold Monday morning. It was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So!.... You're a man. That's interesting! Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're both ok. This must be a sign from God that we should meet, and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine to celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Rednecks

Mujibar

Mujibar was a foreigner, who was trying to get into America, legally by going through through Immigration. His last hurdle was a meeting with an immigration official.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink And Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I Am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I Pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar passed his test, and now lives in San Francisco, California, and works at the Immigration help desk.

Amber Alert!!!

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a 'date-rape drug' called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form, and is available nearly everywhere!
"Beer" as it is commonly referred to, is used by 'female predators' to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "Beers," and then ask him home for 'no-strings-attached Sex', .... a simple approach that renders most men helpless.
After several "Beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship!" In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage!" Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "Beer" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know! And, if you or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured, .... male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses!

T.G.I.F VS S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back at her and once again said , "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it,duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Air Travel

One day a business man was taking his seat on his company's corporate jet, when he suddenly noticed that there was a parrot strapped in next to him. He was shocked at the site, but shrugged it off. As the plane reached it's cruising altitude, he summoned the flight attendant and asked for a coffee.
As he finished his request, the parrot squawked, “And get me a whisky, you cow!”
The stewardess, was so flustered, that she brought back a whisky for the parrot and forgot the man's coffee. He summoned her again to take his order, and suddenly
the parrot drained its glass and cried “And get me another whisky you bitch!”
Visibly upset, the girl returned, with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such poor service, the man decided to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Get it now, you stupid bitch!”
Suddenly, both he and the parrot were grabbed, dragged to the emergency exit, and thrown from the plane by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turned to the businessman and said…“For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a mouthy bastard

The Phone Call

There were several men sitting around, in the locker room of a private club, after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rang . One of the men picked it up, and said,
“Hello?”
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00.”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much … ”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year … ”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000 … ”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! But before we hang up, something else … ”
“What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and … I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property … ”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000 - a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover … ”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie … Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye … I do too … ”
The man hung up, closed the phone’s flap, and raised his hand and asked the others,
“Hey!… who’s phone is this?”

Flies

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure, one day, when he was stopped by a state trooper.
"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope! I'm not," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

Blonde Deodorant

A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the clerk for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, overhearing this, explained to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and have never heard of such a product. Unfazed, the blonde assured the pharmacist that she had been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," said the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," said the blonde."
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returned with the container and handed it to the pharmacist, who looked at it and said to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatched the container back and read aloud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

The Blind Man

A blind man and his guide dog entered a Bar and found their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yelled to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately became absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, a woman sitting next to him said,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thought for a moment and said,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Dead Hen Walking

The life of a turkey, on the death row block, is a short one, except for the lucky guy, who is granted clemency by the President. For the others, it's a short walk to see the executioner.

Like characters in a Sean Penn movie, they shuffle, from the sunny outdoors, into a long , white, artificially lit building. The door closes behind them, and they wait in line, slowly, moving towards the covered conveyor belt. This belt carries them to a platform, where two men, dressed in the their finest plastic aprons , grab the turkeys by their legs, and hang them from their feet, on another conveyance, hanging from the ceiling. Oh the indignity!
Some turkeys struggle, and flap their wings, while others quietly whimper and pee all over themselves.

Now upside down, frightened and disoriented, they are slid down the line to meet the somber fellow in the the yellow plastic apron. He is the Beast , whom the turkeys refer to as Olaf The Terrible. As they near, they hear that horrible whine of the electric knife, and smell the stench of fear, and know that death is imminent. The last sound a turkey hears, is the cheery tune Olaf is whistling, as he unceremoniously slits their throat with his knife.

As if this horrific death is not enough of an indignity, for a once proud living creature to suffer, he is then dispatched behind a black curtain, and emerges on the other side from a 180-degree steam bath, that essentially scalds off his feathers. Next, his feet are horribly mutilated to leave behind only a set of drumsticks.

After this, things begin to move fast. The gizzard and liver are ripped from his still warm body, bagged and stuck back inside, in the hopes of flavoring someone's gravy.
The rest of his innards are callously vacuumed out, and then another knife wielding worker waits to cut off any remaining feathers.

Slain in their prime, they are then weighed, and put on ice to await the cannibals who will dine on their flesh.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you enjoyed your turkey! I know I did!

Turkey Guts

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of breaking wind every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell would cause her eyes to water, as she would choke and gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to seek help. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor , but he wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was a natural bodily function, and then would laugh , as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
One Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, she went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, an idea occurred , as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs. Her husband was a very deep sleeper, and while he was still sound asleep, she pulled back the covers and gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs. Because she had warmed them, he didn't even stir.
About two hours, later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud morning farts. This was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom.

She couldn't control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After all these years, she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underwear, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

The Table

He laid her on the table.
So white, so clean and bare.
His forehead, wet, with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck, and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet, and all was set.
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands, stretched his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep... I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white, but I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a snack became infatuation. So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground. I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees... Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please

Badgerbob's Surefire Method For Raising Delinquents

1. As an infant, begin to give him everything he wants. This will help him grow to believe that the world owes him a living.
2. When he begins to lie and swear, laugh and encourage him.
3. Never tell him that he is wrong. This could lead to developing a guilt complex, and later when he's up on felony charges, make him feel that society is persecuting him.
4. Pick up everything he leaves lying around. This will help condition him to expect others, including future wives, to continue doing this.
5. Let him read and watch anything he wants . A healthy mind is such a waste.
6. Quarrel frequently and throw blame around. This will help him to later deal with married life, and the ensuing divorce.
7. Make sure he never has to earn his own money, and see that his every whim is taken care of. Denial and responsibility could lead to frustration, and prozac.
8. Take his side in all disputes. This way he can play the prejudice card later in life.
9. When he gets into serious trouble, never blame him, and always apologize for yourself. Afterall, he is your child!
10. Sit back and enjoy your l'il monster.

Think You've Had A bad Day?

The Woods Of Arkansas

While hiking through the woods one day, a tourist came upon a man, who was hugging a tree, with his ear pressed firmly against it.
He asked, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of this tree. It's a local custom."
"You've gotta be kidding me", said the tourist.
The local replied, "No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, this is really stupid, but..., okay .." So he wrapped his arms around the tree, and pressed his ear up against it. Immediately, the local slapped a set of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, his jewelry and his car keys. Then stripped him naked, and sauntered away.
Two hours later, another man strolled by, saw the tourist handcuffed to the tree and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
The tourist told the story of how he had been taken advantage of, by the local. While he recounted his tale, the newcomer shook his head in sympathy. When the tourist finished talking, the man walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,
"This just isn't your day, is it, Sugar!"

The Man From Alabama

A visiting professor, at the University of Alabama, was giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked. "How many people here, believe in ghosts?"
Approximately ninety of the students raised their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About forty students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm glad you are taking this seriously. Has anyone here ever spoken to a ghost?"
Fifteen students raised their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
To this ,three students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one one last question ... Have any of you, ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raised his hand.
The professor was astonished. He took off his glasses, took a step back, and said, "Son,in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Alabama student replied, "It's quite common in our part of the state" and began to make his way up to the podium.
The professor said, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."
The student replied, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goat!'"

Hump Day Poems From the Heartless Badger

I have been challenged by this person,(freak) who is like a sharp thorn in my paw, to declare this week as poetry week, and only post poems. I hate fucking poetry! If there is no explicit sex, violence, or witty dialogue in the first stanza, it's off to the bonfire for a small flare-up and a marshmallow. I received this challenge today, which to say the least, is a little strange, because, Hello! It's already midweek. I guess the tree calendar week is a little different than ours.
Anyhow, in the spirit of Hump Day, and in the interest of being a good sport, which in all honesty, I could give a hoot about , I have decided to go along with this strange request.
So I present to you, three short poems.

I had a small pain in my head.
I went to my doctor, with dread.
He gave me a pill, then sent me his bill.
I would have been better off dead

One time at my job, where I strip
My pants shrunk, and wouldn't unzip
When the hot-blooded throng, yelled to ogle my thong
I fended them off, with my whip.

There once was a badger named Bob, who's balls were so blue they would throb, then along came a blogger, who said, "Hey, it's no bother", and relieved him, by rubbing his knob

Democrats

The other day, I was travelling between San Francisco & L.A. when a tire blew out on my scooter. I had no spare, so my only option was to flag down a passing motorist, and hopefully, get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man, driving a minivan. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yep, I surely do," I replied.
"You a Democrat, or a Republican?" asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell! ," yelled the old man as he sped off.
An hour or so passed, and finally another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
"Republican or Democrat?"
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican!"
The driver gave me the finger, and drove off.
It was getting hot, and after thinking it over, I decided that maybe I should change my
strategy. This area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be lots of Democrats on the road that day.
After what seemed like hours, a car finally skidded to a stop. It was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively at me, and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat?
Realizing, that I had entered into some kind of bizzaro world, I shouted," Democrat!"
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, with the wind blowing through her hair, her perfect breasts, and a
short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore!" I shouted. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes, and already, I want to screw somebody!"

Elephants

A man hobbled into the emergency room one night. He was in such pain, that he couldn't even sit down.
The doctor asked "What’s the problem ? You seem to be in a lot of pain".
The man replied." I have something wrong, but, I am embarrassed to show you."
The doctor explained that in all his years, he had seen just about everything possible, and at this point, nothing could shock him. So the man proceeded to drop his trousers and bend over.
The doctor gasped, and said "What on earth happened to you?!! You have a massive hole in your bottom".
The man explained that he had just been on holiday in Africa.
"I was raped by a male elephant" said the man.
The doctor shook his head , and said, " You don't expect me to believe that, do you? If it were true, you wouldn’t be as damaged as that, because the penis on a male elephant isn’t that large."
To this ,the man replied, "Yes I know that doc, but he fingered me first."

Farmers

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, tried to drive through it, and ended up getting stuck. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble, and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of that mudhole today.”
The husband looked around at the fields incredulously, and asked the farmer,”When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”
“No,” the young farmer replied , “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

Golf

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked what happened.
"Well," said the man, "I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something lodged in its rear end. I walked over and lifted her tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it—stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I was lifting the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey honey, this looks like yours!
"And then ?" said the doctor.
"Well doc, I don't remember much after that"!

The Genie

Harold and Bob were in a bar, having a few beers, when Harold pulled out a cigar.
He searched for a light, to no avail, and then asked Bob for one.
“Here you are,” Bob replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said Harold, “where did you get that monster.”
“You mean my 10" lighter? Well,.. .I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” Harold asked.
“Sure Harold! He’s right here, in my pocket.”
“Could I see him?”
Bob reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small genie.
Harold stared at the genie, and then said, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me a wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said, so Harold asked him for a million bucks ,and then the genie, hoped back into Bob's pocket.
Harold stood there, waiting for his million bucks.
After about ten minutes, a duck waddled into the bar, followed by another, and then another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar was filled with ducks.
Finally, Harold said “What's going on here? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
Bob replied, "Gosh Harold! I forgot to tell you. The genie is hard of hearing.
Did ya really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”

Salesmen

A man walked into the bar, at a hotel, that was hosting a convention , for personal hygiene salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his colleagues, and was immediately harrassed by another salesman.
“Hey Bob! You son-of-a-bitch! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucked! Nobody could ever make a living there, before you. You've won the all-expense-paid trip toVegas, three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else! How in the hell do you do it?”
Bob replied, “Its easy! I take a big, fancy bowl and fill it up with fresh dogshit. Next, I garnish it carefully with parsley , celerystalks, chives, olives and red peppers . Then, I take it to the airport, and set it on a big fancy table, with an embroidered, white tablecloth.
I offer a sample, on a cracker, to everybody who walks by. As soon as someone takes a bite, they usually say ‘Jesus Christ! !This stuff tastes like SHIT!!’
Then I say ‘Yes sir! You guessed it! Would you care to buy a toothbrush? "

Girls Night Out

Two friends got together for their monthly, ' girl's night out' . Both were faithful and loving wives, in stable marriages. They hit the town hard, danced away most of the night, and finished up at their neighborhood bar. In the process, they had become a little drunk, and were unable to drive themselves home. After turning down numerous offers for a ride, from the many inebriated males in the joint, they decided to walk home.
On the way home, the urge to pee became so overwhelming, that they were forced to stop in the nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, the first lady decided to use her panties. Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She looked around, and spotted a grave having a wreath, with a ribbon on it, squatted over it, and proceeded to wipe with the ribbon. After the girls finished peeing, they laughed about it ,while stumbling the rest of the way home.
The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned, because his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over. He phoned the other husband and said "These damn 'girl's night outs' have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. Last night, my wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing! ", said the other husband, "Mine came home, with a card stuck between the crack of her butt , that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Has Anyone Seen My Uncle Ernie?

These creatures, known as THE LIZZIES, are said to be part human and part reptile. They are said not to exist in time as we know it, and exist mostly in other dimensions where they are said to live for thousands of years. We should know something about the lizzies because they are reportedly soon going to re-enter our dimension in order to try to continue to control us.
There is a large body of religious literature not in the Bible that deals with the period before the great flood. Most of these works have been hidden and/or an attempt was made to destroy them, or they have been selectively excluded from the Bible or otherwise suppressed. This is part of the giant cover-up, part of the duping of humankind. These creator gods certainly did not want humankind to know of the true story of human "creation" (that we were created to be slaves and dupes) and the true nature of our creator gods, the lizzies.
The primary "earth data" we have to verify the existence of the Lizzies is that they have been seen several times, usually by modern-day abductees. In a majority of abductee cases they are not seen at all, but they are sometimes observed standing aside and simply observing what is happening. The relationship between the reptilians and the grey species is usually not known to the abductees. It is clear that most of the greys "work" for the lizzies, or are themsleves slaves of the lizzies. The lizzies apparently left the grey species or specie in in charge of the Earth when most of them left the earth several thousand years ago.
There is a story of a "cow abduction" case in Missouri where a lizzie was sighted. A married couple watched the apparent cow abduction from the porch of their farm through binoculars. While two, small, white-skinned, large-headed beings worked with the cow, a few feet away a "lizard-guy" watched the proceedings. The human couple described the "lizard-guy" as a humanoid creature that stood about six feet tall, had greenish, scaly skin like a reptile, and had large pale green eyes with vetically slit pupils.
In another case, a rancher was working with his cattle on his ranch in New Mexico, when suddenly his herd spooked and scattered. He looked up an saw the reason his cows had become frightened - a UFO craft was hovering over him. His first reaction was one of anger at this craft for having scattered his cattle, and he fired two shots with a thirty-thirty rifle he carried. His horse then threw him and he was dazed. The next thing this rancher knew he was taken into the craft, pushed onto an examining table and undressed. He was given a very rough examination by five reptilian-like beings, three males and two females. He described these creature as having"...humanoid bodies with the exception of scaly fish features and tails like reptiles. They wore few clothes. The female sexual parts were similar to Homo sapiens. Their legs and arms were somewhat lizard-like. Their features resembled frogs, yet human like at the same time. The eyes were large, protuberant. They had three fingers and three toes.
Sometimes human encounters with a lizzie have been more pleasant. Denise and Bert Twigs, in their book Secret Vows, claim to have an ongoing relationship with a couple that claims to be from the Andromeda constellation. Both claim to have conceived several half-alien, half human children, both in their home in Oregon and on the space craft on which the Andrameda couple are not residing.

Somali Man

A Somali Man arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the UnitedStates. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."

Cowboys

A cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served those folks?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning."
The cowboy, thought for a moment, and said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation ! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and then returned that evening. The waiter brought his dish, bowed, and said, "Enjoy Senor". The cowboy looked around, to make sure that no one was watching, and turned his attention to his meal . He inspected the contents of his platter, and after eating the first testicle, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Terrorists