Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.'
Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've have found real love with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with The other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, Your son, Joshua.

P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report, that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

MAL-LARKY

THE LARK PROGRAM

A Lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.

She received back the following reply:

Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held atGuantanamoBay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
your letter. Although Ahmed is a psychopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep
those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views all females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka --
over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs". Wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.

Good luck!

Row Row Row Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
'The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only t en years and I'll give you back the other ten?
'So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.
'The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?
'And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under th e sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.
'The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?
'And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.
'But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the tenthe dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?
''Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

A Schitty Post

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced theSchitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt

Fishing With Grandpa

One day, Little Johnny and his grandfather had gone fishing. After a while grandpa got thirsty and opened up his cooler for a beer.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa can I have a beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa grunted back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough!" Grandpa then took out a cigarette and lit up. Little Johnny saw this and asked for one too."
Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" growled grandpa .
"No"
"Well, than your still not big enough"
Little Johnny got upset and pulled out some cookies, that his grandma had packed him.
His grandfather noticed this and said, "Hey kid, those cookies look pretty good. Can I have one?" Little Johnny replied, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looked at Johnny and laughed. "Well of course I can. I'm big enough."
Little Johnny shouted, "Well, then go fuck yourself! These are my cookies"

A Stinking Holiday

DES MOINES, Iowa - It was a stinky holiday for Robert Schoff.
The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.
"It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," Schoff said Tuesday. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had.
Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog,(big turd) but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.
The 5-foot-5-inch, 135-pound Schoff hollered and screamed for help, but it was an hour before his wife, Toni, walked by a window and saw his feet in the air.
"I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out," Toni Schoff said.
She called 911 and two Polk County sheriff's deputies yanked her husband out of the tank.
"I thought it was the end of my life," Schoff said. "Thank God my wife saw me. I don't think I could have stood staying in there much more."

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Las Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a
conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much
do you charge?"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give
it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is
sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed,
he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that
casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth
every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign
me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than
before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his
money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings
for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the
hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to
show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas
is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces,
and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No", the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Ghosts

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his system extremely upset.
Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he
decided the latest was another and stayed put. Unfortunately
for him, this wasn't a false alarm and he soiled his bed
linens terribly.
He was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his
feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up
and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat
the shit out of a ghost!"

Murphy's Law

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

Boating

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'
The old woman fainted .

A Tale Of Two Willies

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.
The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Newfoundlander got the job

Lawyers Part VIII

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Heart Attacks

Late, one morning, a married fellow comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," she cries .
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!!!" says the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack, and all you do, is run around the house naked, scaring the kids!"

Parrots Part IV

One day, a lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot, on display, spoke up and said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
The lady was at first shocked, and then became furious, but continued on her way.
On the way back home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
She was so angry and incredibly annoyed, that she went into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue the store, and have the bird killed.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."

Hillbillies Part V

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone.
After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move.
One evening,while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house.
He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.
The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him.
The man quickly accepted the offer and was relived to finally have some company.
Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking."
The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do some drinking."
The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting."
The man said, " that's OK too, and like to do a little fighting."
Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some sex."
The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?"
The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?"
The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."

Milk

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing!
He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!"

Name Change

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honour."

A Vaseline survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."