Boating

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'
The old woman fainted .

A Tale Of Two Willies

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.
The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Newfoundlander got the job

Lawyers Part VIII

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Heart Attacks

Late, one morning, a married fellow comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," she cries .
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!!!" says the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack, and all you do, is run around the house naked, scaring the kids!"

Parrots Part IV

One day, a lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot, on display, spoke up and said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
The lady was at first shocked, and then became furious, but continued on her way.
On the way back home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
She was so angry and incredibly annoyed, that she went into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue the store, and have the bird killed.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."

Hillbillies Part V

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone.
After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move.
One evening,while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house.
He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.
The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him.
The man quickly accepted the offer and was relived to finally have some company.
Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking."
The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do some drinking."
The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting."
The man said, " that's OK too, and like to do a little fighting."
Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some sex."
The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?"
The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?"
The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."

Milk

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing!
He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!"

Name Change

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honour."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honour."

A Vaseline survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Smelling Wood

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at
the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his
office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood
in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager
decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the
blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it
around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I
know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom
door off a tuna boat!"