IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON........ you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they call them managers.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A Little Game
Think of a letter between A and W.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop.
Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name .
Almost there........
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.
Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.
Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?
Of course not.......stupid!
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop.
Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name .
Almost there........
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.
Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.
Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?
Of course not.......stupid!
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Idiots
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
Monday, September 25, 2006
A Cowboy's Dog
A cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer.
About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree.
The cowboy tells him that its his.
The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat."
The cowboy answers, "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool cause he's tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."
The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex."
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!"
About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree.
The cowboy tells him that its his.
The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat."
The cowboy answers, "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool cause he's tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."
The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex."
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!"
Friday, September 22, 2006
Arthritis
A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Blondes Part XVI
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Love Letters
Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Signed Your Ex-Wife P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your brother and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee be cause the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Rich as Hell and Free P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Signed Your Ex-Wife P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your brother and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee be cause the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Rich as Hell and Free P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
How To Save The Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't
even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least
triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying
again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle
it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't
even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least
triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying
again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle
it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Friday, September 15, 2006
A Letter From Grandma
Dear Badger;
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.
Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there e, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of th e moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.
Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there e, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of th e moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Tony
The country was in such a terrible state,
Parliament rose for a budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Gordy spoke
When he did he said "Sex will cost ten quid a poke"
Whether you're short, long, skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick,
Chris Smith said "Now Gordon look here,
Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer ?"
Mandy arose and looked very glum,
"Will I be exempt coz I only like bum"
Gordon replied and sounded quite airy
"You'll fucking pay double, you dirty old fairy"
Up got Hague to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Margaret Beckett, and whipped off her drawers
He straddled across her and fucked her at will
Then shouted at Gordon "Put that on your bill"
Prescott shouted "I think I'll resign
I haven't had pussy for a very long time
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch
But ten quid a jump is a bit fucking much"
The debate carried on, oh what a night
Many were bonking any woman in sight
The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too
And in the excitement, the dumb bill got through
So now in the bedrooms of England each night
There's many a fanny closed up good and tight
They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes
If ten quid a time is the price we must pay,
It's now with ourselves we are forced to play,
So to quench our frustration, we must have a wank
For the state of our country, we have Tony to thank.
Parliament rose for a budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Gordy spoke
When he did he said "Sex will cost ten quid a poke"
Whether you're short, long, skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick,
Chris Smith said "Now Gordon look here,
Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer ?"
Mandy arose and looked very glum,
"Will I be exempt coz I only like bum"
Gordon replied and sounded quite airy
"You'll fucking pay double, you dirty old fairy"
Up got Hague to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Margaret Beckett, and whipped off her drawers
He straddled across her and fucked her at will
Then shouted at Gordon "Put that on your bill"
Prescott shouted "I think I'll resign
I haven't had pussy for a very long time
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch
But ten quid a jump is a bit fucking much"
The debate carried on, oh what a night
Many were bonking any woman in sight
The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too
And in the excitement, the dumb bill got through
So now in the bedrooms of England each night
There's many a fanny closed up good and tight
They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes
If ten quid a time is the price we must pay,
It's now with ourselves we are forced to play,
So to quench our frustration, we must have a wank
For the state of our country, we have Tony to thank.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Farmer Jed's Mule
Farmer Jed decided his injuries from his recent accident, were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible, to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Jed.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Jed's answer and told the lawyer so.
"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Jed.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Jed's answer and told the lawyer so.
"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Sunday, September 10, 2006
A PARROT'S PRAYER
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Hillbilly Etiquette
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........ Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........ Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Monday, September 04, 2006
A Shocking Affair
The husband leaned over, and asked his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern, and you leaned against the back fence, and I made love to you?"
"Yes, she said. "I remember it well."
"OK," he said. "How about taking a stroll around there , and we can do it again, for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil. That sounds like a crazy idea! But ok!"
There was a police officer sitting in the next booth, listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thought to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he followed them, as they walked along, leaning on each other for support, and aided by walking sticks. Finally they got to the back of the tavern and made their way to the fence.
The old lady lifted her skirt, and the old man dropped his trousers. As she leaned against the fence, the old man moved in.
Suddenly they erupted into the most furious sex, that the police officer had ever seen. This went on for about ten minutes. Both were making loud noises, and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapsed on the ground. The police officer was amazed.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground , the old couple struggled to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman thought, "I've got to ask them what their secret is".
As the couple passed, he said to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man replied, "Nope! Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence!"
"Yes, she said. "I remember it well."
"OK," he said. "How about taking a stroll around there , and we can do it again, for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil. That sounds like a crazy idea! But ok!"
There was a police officer sitting in the next booth, listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thought to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he followed them, as they walked along, leaning on each other for support, and aided by walking sticks. Finally they got to the back of the tavern and made their way to the fence.
The old lady lifted her skirt, and the old man dropped his trousers. As she leaned against the fence, the old man moved in.
Suddenly they erupted into the most furious sex, that the police officer had ever seen. This went on for about ten minutes. Both were making loud noises, and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapsed on the ground. The police officer was amazed.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground , the old couple struggled to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman thought, "I've got to ask them what their secret is".
As the couple passed, he said to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man replied, "Nope! Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence!"
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator onto its back, and shouted , "Damn it! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator onto its back, and shouted , "Damn it! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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