Nursing

A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her
psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I
tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer
and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,
too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to
live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large,
beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well,
go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

The Bet

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.......

A Healthy Life

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."

Shipping Out

A depressed young blonde was so depressed, that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

ILLIEGAL IMMIGRATION, AND WHY IT BOTHERS ME

62% of all "undocumented immigrants" in the United States are working for cash and not paying taxes, predominantly illegal aliens, working without a green card;

95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens;

83% of warrants for murder in Phoenix are for illegal aliens;

86% of warrants for murder in Albuquerque are for illegal aliens;

75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles, Phoenix, and Albuquerque are illegal aliens;

More than 380,000 "anchor babies" were born in the United States in 2005 were to parents who are illegal aliens; making those 380,000 babies automatically U.S. citizens. 97.2% of all costs incurred from those births were paid by the American taxpayer;

More than 66% of all births in California are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal whose births were paid for by taxpayers;


29% (630,000) convicted illegal alien felons fill our state and federal prisons at a cost of $1.6 billion annually;

More than 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages

More than 53% of all investigated burglaries reported in California , New Mexico , Nevada , Arizona and Texas are perpetrated by illegal aliens;

More than half of all gang members in Los Angeles are illegal aliens from south of t he border;

More than 43% of all Food Stamps issued are to illegal aliens;

More than 41% of all unemployment checks issued in the United States are to illegal aliens;

58% of all Welfare payments in the United States are issued to illegal aliens;


14 out of 31 TV stations in L.A. are Spanish-only;

16 out of 28 TV stations in Phoenix are Spanish-only;

15 out of 24 TV stations in Albuquerque are Spanish-only;

21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish-only;

17 radio stations in Phoenix are Spanish-only;

17 radio stations in Albuquerque are Spanish-only;

More than 34% of Arizona students in grades 1-12 are illegal aliens;

More than 24% of Arizona students in grades 1-12 are non-English-speaking;

More than 39% of California students in grades 1-12 are illegal aliens;

More than 42% of California students in grades 1-12 are non-English-speaking

In Los Angeles County , 5.1 million people speak English. 3.9 million speak Spanish;

More than 71% of all apprehended cars stolen in 2005 in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and California were stolen by illegal aliens or transport coyotes";

47% of cited/stopped drivers in California have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 47%, 92% are illegal aliens;

63% of cited/stopped drivers in Arizona have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 63%, 97% are illegal aliens;

66% of cited/stopped drivers in New Mexico have no license, no insurance and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 66%, 98% are illegal aliens;

Less than 2% of illegal aliens in the United States are picking crops , but 41% are on welfare;

Over 70% of the United States annual population growth (and over 90% of California , Florida , and New York ) results from immigration;

The cost of immigration to the American taxpayer in 1997 was a NET (after subtracting taxes immigrants pay) $70 BILLION a year, [Professor Donald Huddle, Rice University ];

The estimated profit to U.S. corporations and businesses employing ILLEGAL aliens in 2005 was more than $2.36 TRILLION dollars;

The lifetime fiscal impact (taxes paid minus services used) for the average adult Mexican ILLEGAL alien is $55,000.00 cost to the American taxpayer in a 5-year span. You, personally, are giving $11,000 every year to an illegal alien.

Martinis

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished his drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then ordered the bartender to prepare another.
After he finished that drink, he again looked inside his shirt pocket, and ordered the bartender to bring a third double martini.
With his curiosity aroused, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket, before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Lawyers Part-XVI

One day, there was a lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eagerly showing it off to his colleagues; when all of the sudden, an eighteen wheeler appeared out of nowhere, and tore off the driver's side door, with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed. He knew that no matter which mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RIPPED OFF BY SOME CRAZY TRUCK DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer, aren't you?" stated the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm was missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his arm and screamed, "MY ROLEX!"

Elevators

One day, an Amish boy and his father were visiting the city. While looking for a restroom, in the lobby of an office building, they were amazed upon seeing two shiny, silver walls that would part and then close back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father watched wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them. The walls closed, swallowing her up, and the boy and his father looked on, while small numbered circle above the walls lit up. After a few moments, the circles began to light up, in reverse order. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Boy, Go get your mother."

A Redneck's Letter From Home

Dearest Son;
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers, when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Hank was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

Home Invasion

"Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders making it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.


Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house)."


According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends Who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest...
um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it, without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being anti-housebreaker.

Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America....

A Religion Of Peace Demonstration ????

These Pictures tell it all! Muslims have stated that England will be the first country they take over! These are pictures not shown on American TV or in American Newspapers (as they might help Bush's war on terror), but were forwarded to me by a Canadian Friend who thought Americans ought to know! These pictures are of Muslims marching through the streets of London during their recent "Religion of Peace Demonstration."

There is something very wrong with this world, when someone can stand in front of a Policeman, and threaten the country he lives in, and the Policeman is powerless to cave the fucker's skull in, with his nightstick.

Why would anyone think that we should be at war with such nice, peaceful Moslems?

The Seven Kinds Of Sex

The 1st kind of sex, is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex, is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex, is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex, is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have beenwith your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex, is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind of sex, is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front ofeveryone.
Don't forget the 7th kind, called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Hillbillies And Sex

There's this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore "bout ol 'nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread 'n 'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw."
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior. wh-whut's that?"
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'."
"You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior...."

Speakin Hillbilly

Aig - What a hen lays

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin clothes

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub done burned out

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Deppity - He heps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Orrel - My car needs an orrel change

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rat - Do it rat now

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Yurp - A continent overseas

Bar Hopping

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them.
"I've got it, follow me." said the first man. They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"

Crazies

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Why Men, Are Happier Creatures

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth..
The world is your urinal.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.