Piss

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.”
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty.
The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!”
“Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.”

A Big Baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said
that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby"
weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they
congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the
typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How
much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh
twenty
pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup . . . just had him
circumcised!"

Gone To Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, " why so glum?"
The guy responded, " What do you think? I'm in Hell "
"Hell's not so bad, " The Demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
" Sure" the man said, "I love to drink."
" Well you're gonna love mondays. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! "
The guy is astounded. " Damn, that sounds great. "
" You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
" You're gonna love Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie you're already dead, remember? "
" Wow, the guy said, that's awesome! "
The demon continued. " I bet you like to gamble."
" Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
" Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, " are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean....."
" That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, so who cares!"
"Wow" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The Demon said, " you gay?"
"No"
"Oooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

The Hunting Trip

A man and his friend, went on a hunting trip. It was Joe's first time hunting, so he was following Bob's lead.
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay where he was, and to be quiet!
Bob walked off, and after a few minutes, heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said "There was a large snake and he slithered across my feet, but that didn't make me scream.
Then there was a bear that came up to me and growled, but that didn't make me scream either."
"So then what the fuck made you scream," Bob asked, exasperated.
"Well," Joe said, "These two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat them now?""

A Church Parrot

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.
The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
"If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."
"That'll work?" asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

A Night At The Movies

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

A Wal-Mart Greeting

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome toWal-Mart...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't. The oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
" No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Little Old Ladies

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 Bill flies out of it, onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills Falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up To the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and Each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I Say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Humorous Thoughts

How can you tell who's the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that had a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work, in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say," fuck"?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo!".

Cookies

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."

A Parrot

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot

Lawyers (Part20)

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.
They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.
After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.
At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars

The Last Laugh

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was a real hardass , who was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
One day, while on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to do something, to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO stormed up to the guy, leaning against the wall, and asked,"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF HERE, and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Redneck Logic

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

Pirates

A young sailor met an old pirate in a bar, and talk turned to their adventures at sea. The young sailor saw that the pirate had a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch,
and couldn't resist asking, "What appened to your leg?"
The pirate replied, "Well lad, we were caught in a fierce storm , and I was swept overboard by a huge wave. Just as my men were hoisting me out, a great white shark up and tore my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What happened to your hand "?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding another pirate ship, and I was in an incredible sword fight. It was five against one, and I was chopping them down, until I slipped on a patch of blood, and one of them cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "Is that also where you got the eye patch"?
"No lad. That was from a skirmish with a seagull," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull ?"
"Well," said the pirate, "As I looked up, he decided to crap, and it was my first day, with my hook"