Exams

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Blondes And Boats

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever, no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She guided the boat over to the local marina, in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything, from the bow to the stern, was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water, to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water, and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer

Things That Make Me Go Hmmm?

A Cake That Celebrates A New Beginning


Mad Cow Disease

Finally!! A Peace Plan That I Agree With

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of know that what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

11) The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

Charitable Donations

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was reportedly making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He called the lawyer."Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responded, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother, who requires expensive surgery once a year, just to stay alive?"
The worker, feeling a bit embarrassed replied, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband, was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker, feeling even more embarrassed at this point, replied "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job, and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker felt completely humiliated at this point, and said "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, and not a sound. He did his daredevil tricks over and over , but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned toMorris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yellout,but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something>when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

All Work And No Play

I recently picked a new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my previous doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Useless Advice

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That?s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant

Skydiving

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Investments

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"

That's when she shot him.

Guys And Dolls

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim blows itself up!"

Grass

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine, when he saw two men, eating grass, along the side of the road .
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, why don't you come with me, to my house, and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too"

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.The grass is almost a foot high."

Niggers

A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Well then, about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will now have to drop people. You will be given floating devices and will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore. To be fair, we will do this in alphabetical order 'A' is for African American. All African Americans, please raise your hands."
Well, hearing this, the little black boy started to raise his hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine, let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands."
Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him .

The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll move on to 'C'. 'C' is for Colored. All colored people, raise your hands."
The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father pushes it down and tells him no. "But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we are also called colored. Why won't you let me raise my hand?"
His father says, "No son, today, we is Niggers.
Those Mexicans are going before us!"

Screwing

A guy walked into a bar and saw a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody. Any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"