Feeling edgy one day, a man decided to relax, by taking a hot bath.
Just as he sat in the tub, and became comfortable, the doorbell rang. He then got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe, and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Cursing, and slamming the door, the man returned to his bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his head against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his clothes , and with every move bringing a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax…Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Headaches
Headache Cure?
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure, is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left, to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.! He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.Bill tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "
"Been in the business 60 years."
Bill tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.Bill walked comfortably around the shop!
Next, the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure, is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left, to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.! He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.Bill tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "
"Been in the business 60 years."
Bill tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.Bill walked comfortably around the shop!
Next, the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Drinking Rituals
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. It's me. I've just quit drinking."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. It's me. I've just quit drinking."
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Excuses
One morning, a General walked outside to inspect a platoon of soldiers, who should have returned from a 24 hr pass, but couldn't find any of them . After a moment, he saw one running through the gates, and the soldier ran up to him, panting heavily.
The general barked, "where the hell is the rest of your platoon , soldier?"
Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead. I ran the last 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was skeptical about this explanation, but he let the G.I. off with a stern warning, more concerned with the whereabouts of the rest of his men.
Moments later, eight more G.I.s ran up to the general panting. He asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! We all had dates, that ran a little late. We ran to the bus but missed it. We hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, and bought horses, but they dropped dead. We ran the last 10 miles, and now we're here."
The General eyed them, skeptical, and very annoyed, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
As he was turning to go back inside, another G.I. jogged up to him, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I.
"There were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
The general barked, "where the hell is the rest of your platoon , soldier?"
Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead. I ran the last 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was skeptical about this explanation, but he let the G.I. off with a stern warning, more concerned with the whereabouts of the rest of his men.
Moments later, eight more G.I.s ran up to the general panting. He asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! We all had dates, that ran a little late. We ran to the bus but missed it. We hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, and bought horses, but they dropped dead. We ran the last 10 miles, and now we're here."
The General eyed them, skeptical, and very annoyed, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
As he was turning to go back inside, another G.I. jogged up to him, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I.
"There were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
A Blonde Moment
A blonde was ordering a pizza, and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
The blonde replied, "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.
The blonde replied, "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Chicken-shit
I don't think that the dining experience, of eating a thick, juicy, char-broiled, steak, in a fine restaurant will ever be the same again!
This is almost too bizarre to be true:
The FDA can't decide whether to ban the practice of allowing chicken fecal matter to be fed to cattle because, the FDA says, what else are they supposed to do with all that chicken litter?
In other words, cows are living waste disposal machines who eat -- get this -- chicken shit by the ton. And then you eat the cows (if you're a red meat eater, that is). It's sort of like eating second-hand chicken shit, only riskier because now you also have the risk of mad cow disease, too.
Here's an actual quote from the director of the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine: "...adding chicken litter to cattle feed is one of the primary methods of waste disposal for the chicken growers..."
That the FDA can say, with a straight face, that the only way to get rid of chicken litter is to feed it to cows is, well, bordering on insane.
The FDA is also reluctant to ban the practice of feeding cattle blood to cows. "What are we going to do with all this blood?" seems to be the cry from the FDA. The answer?
Well, feed it to the cattle, of course!
The new slogan for the beef industry should be, "Beef. It's FDA-approved second-hand chicken shit."
When I think of all the steaks, I have eaten in my life, FUCK! I am pissed off!!!
Any beef producer, who participates in this practice, should be castrated!
I think I will go back to eating squirrels!
This is almost too bizarre to be true:
The FDA can't decide whether to ban the practice of allowing chicken fecal matter to be fed to cattle because, the FDA says, what else are they supposed to do with all that chicken litter?
In other words, cows are living waste disposal machines who eat -- get this -- chicken shit by the ton. And then you eat the cows (if you're a red meat eater, that is). It's sort of like eating second-hand chicken shit, only riskier because now you also have the risk of mad cow disease, too.
Here's an actual quote from the director of the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine: "...adding chicken litter to cattle feed is one of the primary methods of waste disposal for the chicken growers..."
That the FDA can say, with a straight face, that the only way to get rid of chicken litter is to feed it to cows is, well, bordering on insane.
The FDA is also reluctant to ban the practice of feeding cattle blood to cows. "What are we going to do with all this blood?" seems to be the cry from the FDA. The answer?
Well, feed it to the cattle, of course!
The new slogan for the beef industry should be, "Beef. It's FDA-approved second-hand chicken shit."
When I think of all the steaks, I have eaten in my life, FUCK! I am pissed off!!!
Any beef producer, who participates in this practice, should be castrated!
I think I will go back to eating squirrels!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Law-Dogs
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, ran into a butcher shop and ran off with a roast. The butcher went to the lawyer's office and asked, "if a dog running loose steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment, for the meat, from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer replied, "Absolutely!"
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from my shop today."
The lawyer, without a word, made out a check to the butcher for $8.50.
The butcher, feeling very satisfied, returned to his shop.
Three days later, the butcher received a bill from the lawyer.
It said, "Amount due for consultation; $100 dollars."
The lawyer replied, "Absolutely!"
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from my shop today."
The lawyer, without a word, made out a check to the butcher for $8.50.
The butcher, feeling very satisfied, returned to his shop.
Three days later, the butcher received a bill from the lawyer.
It said, "Amount due for consultation; $100 dollars."
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
The Pharmacy
One evening, at a pharmacy, a man came in, and asked to speak with a male pharmacist. The lady at the counter said that she was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male employees. She asked how she could help.
The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing, with a male . She reminded him that she was a professional, and he could speak candidly with her.
"This is tough for me to say," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, " I'll go talk to my sister."
She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length. The absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."
The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing, with a male . She reminded him that she was a professional, and he could speak candidly with her.
"This is tough for me to say," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, " I'll go talk to my sister."
She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length. The absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
The Patch
Two priests were in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looked at the other one's penis and noticed a Nicoderm patch on it. He looked at the other priest and said, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other priest replied, "So far, it's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.
The other priest replied, "So far, it's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Friday, May 12, 2006
Feelings
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being
there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular
evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced
Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being
there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular
evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced
Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Thursday, May 11, 2006
RACISTS
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You call me "Whiteboy", "Cracker", "Honkey", "Whitey" and you think it's OK.
But when I call you, nigger, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey or Beaner, you call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day . You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. You have BET.
If we had WET(white entertainment television) we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
If we had white history month, we'd be racists.
If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud. But, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?
You call me "Whiteboy", "Cracker", "Honkey", "Whitey" and you think it's OK.
But when I call you, nigger, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey or Beaner, you call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day . You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. You have BET.
If we had WET(white entertainment television) we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
If we had white history month, we'd be racists.
If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud. But, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?
Monday, May 08, 2006
Fidelity
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally went bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had some feelings and desire for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned , as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and raced to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside! And they were all clapping!!!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test, and we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally went bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had some feelings and desire for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me, before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned , as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and raced to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside! And they were all clapping!!!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test, and we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........
Friday, May 05, 2006
Fate
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic.
"Next semester in her biology class."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic.
"Next semester in her biology class."
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Smuggling
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
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