A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed.. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Complimentary Pets
An elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"
The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak.
"I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"
The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak.
"I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Flying
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the pilot to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane and began walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appeared to be blind. The pilot was using a white cane, and bumping into passengers, right and left, as he stumbled down the aisle. The copilot was using a guide dog. Both men were wearing sunglasses.
At first, the passengers did not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines started revving, and the airplane began moving down the runway. The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness. They started whispering amongst themselves, and looked desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. The plane began to accelerate rapidly, and people began panicking. Some passengers began praying, as the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway. The passengers became hysterical, and when the plane had less than twenty feet of runway left, everyone screamed at once.
At that moment, the plane lifted off and became airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathed a sigh of relief and said to the pilot, "You know, one of these days they aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Both appeared to be blind. The pilot was using a white cane, and bumping into passengers, right and left, as he stumbled down the aisle. The copilot was using a guide dog. Both men were wearing sunglasses.
At first, the passengers did not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines started revving, and the airplane began moving down the runway. The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness. They started whispering amongst themselves, and looked desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. The plane began to accelerate rapidly, and people began panicking. Some passengers began praying, as the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway. The passengers became hysterical, and when the plane had less than twenty feet of runway left, everyone screamed at once.
At that moment, the plane lifted off and became airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathed a sigh of relief and said to the pilot, "You know, one of these days they aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
A Few Facts
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "FULL BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
4. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
5. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She is in a "CHEMICALLY ALTERED STATE"
6. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
7. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
8. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
9. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" ~ He has a developed "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" ~ He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" ~ He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" ~ He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" ~ He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" ~ He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
7. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" ~ He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
8. He is not "HORNY" ~ He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
9. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants ~ It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "FULL BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
4. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
5. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She is in a "CHEMICALLY ALTERED STATE"
6. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
7. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
8. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
9. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" ~ He has a developed "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" ~ He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" ~ He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" ~ He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" ~ He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" ~ He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
7. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" ~ He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
8. He is not "HORNY" ~ He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
9. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants ~ It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Monday, April 24, 2006
Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, but when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him another not so pleasant name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care, because I had come into town by bus, and it wasn't my car.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired, and my doctor says that it's important at my age.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, but when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him another not so pleasant name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care, because I had come into town by bus, and it wasn't my car.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired, and my doctor says that it's important at my age.
D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
A married couple was driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife was behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looked at her and spoke in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife said nothing, kept looking at the road ahead and slowly increased her speed to 45 mph.
The husband spoke again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he said. "I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stayed quiet, but gripped the steering wheel tighter and increased the speed to 55.
The husband decided to push his luck, and said, "I want the house, and the car too."
The speed increased to 60,and then, 65 mph.
"And," he said, "I'm taking the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car speed increased to 70 mph, and began to veer towards a massive concrete bridge. The husband became nervous, and asked her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replied in a quiet and controlled voice, "No! I've got everything I need," she said.
"Oh, really, he sneered." "So what have you got?"
Just before they slammed into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turned to him, smiled, and said, "The airbag!"
Her husband suddenly looked at her and spoke in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife said nothing, kept looking at the road ahead and slowly increased her speed to 45 mph.
The husband spoke again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he said. "I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stayed quiet, but gripped the steering wheel tighter and increased the speed to 55.
The husband decided to push his luck, and said, "I want the house, and the car too."
The speed increased to 60,and then, 65 mph.
"And," he said, "I'm taking the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car speed increased to 70 mph, and began to veer towards a massive concrete bridge. The husband became nervous, and asked her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replied in a quiet and controlled voice, "No! I've got everything I need," she said.
"Oh, really, he sneered." "So what have you got?"
Just before they slammed into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turned to him, smiled, and said, "The airbag!"
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Friends
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step!
About this time, a large redneck who was standing behind, her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the man and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are! "
The redneck smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.."
Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step!
About this time, a large redneck who was standing behind, her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the man and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are! "
The redneck smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.."
The Holy Land
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
SHIT
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Monday, April 17, 2006
Suicide Bombers
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Criminal Minds
There were three convicts, a Polak, an Indian and a Newfie, who were all scheduled to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they could each choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or death by hanging.
The Indian was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged , so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The Polak was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, and after seeing what happened with the Indian, he thought that he would try his luck with the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Then it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "Well bye's, I'm deathly afraid of needles too, and your fucking electric chair ain't working, so I guess you'll have to hang me".
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or death by hanging.
The Indian was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged , so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The Polak was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, and after seeing what happened with the Indian, he thought that he would try his luck with the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Then it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "Well bye's, I'm deathly afraid of needles too, and your fucking electric chair ain't working, so I guess you'll have to hang me".
Friday, April 14, 2006
The Moral Of The Story
One day at the end of class, a teacher had the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story...The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
A girl raised her hand...,"My Daddy owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asked for the moral of the story, and the girl replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
"Well done, now who wants to go next?" Asked the teacher.
Another girl quickly raised her hand. "Well, my Dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
"And the moral?"
The girl replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Excellent, Who's next? " asked the teacher.
A young boy jumped up. "My grandad fought in the Vietnam War, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He was able to jump out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the whole case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then, he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked at the kid with a shocked expression, "My goodness! Can there possibly be a moral to this story?"
The kid replied, "Yeah...Don't fuck with grandad when he's pissed."
A girl raised her hand...,"My Daddy owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asked for the moral of the story, and the girl replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
"Well done, now who wants to go next?" Asked the teacher.
Another girl quickly raised her hand. "Well, my Dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
"And the moral?"
The girl replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Excellent, Who's next? " asked the teacher.
A young boy jumped up. "My grandad fought in the Vietnam War, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He was able to jump out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the whole case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then, he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked at the kid with a shocked expression, "My goodness! Can there possibly be a moral to this story?"
The kid replied, "Yeah...Don't fuck with grandad when he's pissed."
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Seals
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Whipped
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
The next time God looks, the women are gone, and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, but on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the single man, who stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in that line? "
The man shrugged and said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
The next time God looks, the women are gone, and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, but on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the single man, who stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in that line? "
The man shrugged and said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
Monday, April 10, 2006
What Senator John Glenn Said
There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq in January.
In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in themonth of January.
That's just one American city,about as deadly as the entire war-torn country of Iraq.
When some claim that President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following:
a. FDR led us into World War II.
b. Germany never attacked us; Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost ...an average of 112,500 per year.
c. Truman finished that war and started one in Korea. North Korea never attacked us. From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost ...an average of 18,334 per year.
d John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.Vietnam never attacked us.
e. Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost ..an average of 5,800 per year.
f. Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.
g. In the years since terrorists attacked us , President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran, and North Korea , without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who has slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.
The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking. But - It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound.That was a 51-day operation.
We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.
It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!
JOHN GLENN (ON THE SENATE FLOOR )
Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never served , think of the military.
Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?
"Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):"I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps.I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank.
I ask you to go with me ... as I went the other day...to a veteran's hospital and look those men ..with their mangled bodies in the eye, and tell THEM, they didn't hold a job!
You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee...and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their DADS didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags
You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?
What about you?"
For those who don't remember During WW.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. Now he's a Senator???
In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in themonth of January.
That's just one American city,about as deadly as the entire war-torn country of Iraq.
When some claim that President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following:
a. FDR led us into World War II.
b. Germany never attacked us; Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost ...an average of 112,500 per year.
c. Truman finished that war and started one in Korea. North Korea never attacked us. From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost ...an average of 18,334 per year.
d John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.Vietnam never attacked us.
e. Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost ..an average of 5,800 per year.
f. Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.
g. In the years since terrorists attacked us , President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran, and North Korea , without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who has slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.
The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking. But - It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound.That was a 51-day operation.
We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.
It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!
JOHN GLENN (ON THE SENATE FLOOR )
Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never served , think of the military.
Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?
"Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):"I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps.I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank.
I ask you to go with me ... as I went the other day...to a veteran's hospital and look those men ..with their mangled bodies in the eye, and tell THEM, they didn't hold a job!
You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee...and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their DADS didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags
You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?
What about you?"
For those who don't remember During WW.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. Now he's a Senator???
Friday, April 07, 2006
Oh Canada
A Canadian Soldier was attending some university courses between deployments. He had completed tours in Bosnia, and just returned from Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
"Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him in the face; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, visibly shaken, looked at the Soldier and screamed, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting our Soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, and act like an asshole, so He sent me instead ."
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
"Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him in the face; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, visibly shaken, looked at the Soldier and screamed, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting our Soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, and act like an asshole, so He sent me instead ."
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Two Priests
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Fathers, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Fathers, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave, so I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My blonde co-worker asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY", and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the fuck, are you doing ?"
I told him that I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and relax for a couple of days, and get your head back on straight.".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my blonde co-worker began following me out the door, the Boss asked her, "... just where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
My blonde co-worker asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY", and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the fuck, are you doing ?"
I told him that I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and relax for a couple of days, and get your head back on straight.".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my blonde co-worker began following me out the door, the Boss asked her, "... just where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Sunday, April 02, 2006
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