One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said,
"If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.
"This was beyond tolerable, and pissed her off, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wiener".
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
No Sympathy Here!
The following excerpt is taken from a letter, written by a lady, to the troops in Iraq. (Works for me!). Hopefully, it will remind a few of those turn-the-other-cheek, bleeding-heart, liberals,(who by the way, deserve to have both cheeks slapped, and also a stiff kick to the groin.), that 911 was a carefully thought out, planned , and executed attack, by the same people, who will do it again , if given half a chance.
"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not Started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, (mostly Americans), NOT brutally Murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from Our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ? Did nearly three Thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing Death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated', when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well,I don't! I don't care at all!
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible ( the mere possession of which is a crimeIn Saudi Arabia ). I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head, while Berg screamed through his Gurgling, slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out And fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs. I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law , instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave Marine Roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care!
When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care!
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move, because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care!
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a Prayer mat, and fed 'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' You can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care!
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled"Koran" and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and---- you got it, I DON'T CARE!"
"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not Started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, (mostly Americans), NOT brutally Murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from Our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ? Did nearly three Thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing Death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was 'desecrated', when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well,I don't! I don't care at all!
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible ( the mere possession of which is a crimeIn Saudi Arabia ). I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head, while Berg screamed through his Gurgling, slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Iraq come out And fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs. I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law , instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave Marine Roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care!
When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care!
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move, because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care!
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a Prayer mat, and fed 'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' You can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care!
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled"Koran" and other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and---- you got it, I DON'T CARE!"
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
JIHAD
The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in Canada and the United States
Allah or Jesus? by:Rick Mathes
Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their belief systems.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven.
If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"
There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine the Pope commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Protestants doing the same in order to go to Heaven.
The Imam was speechless.
I continued, "I also have problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.
I think everyone in the US and Canada should be required to read this. This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well known leader in prison ministry.
*Think about this, with all the Islamic people now in the Canada and the USA , building their Temples............. Do we really feel safe here in our own country ?...... Can we reclaim our world ? Or is it already too late ?
Allah or Jesus? by:Rick Mathes
Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their belief systems.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven.
If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"
There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine the Pope commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Protestants doing the same in order to go to Heaven.
The Imam was speechless.
I continued, "I also have problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.
I think everyone in the US and Canada should be required to read this. This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well known leader in prison ministry.
*Think about this, with all the Islamic people now in the Canada and the USA , building their Temples............. Do we really feel safe here in our own country ?...... Can we reclaim our world ? Or is it already too late ?
Monday, March 27, 2006
Older Employees
DEAR ELDER EMPLOYEE.........................
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are, Dear Employee, forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are, Dear Employee, forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Clubbing - A Brand New Season
TO COMMEMORATE THE ANNUAL SEAL HUNT, WHICH KICKED OFF IT'S FESTIVE SEASON YESTERDAY, AND TO HONOR THOSE POOR MISUNDERSTOOD SEAL HUNTERS, AND THEIR PLIGHT TO EKE OUT AN EXISTENCE IN THE HARSH CANADIAN WILDERNESS, I OFFER YOU A REVISITATION OF LAST YEAR'S POST.
In the above picture, "sealers" are using a long picklike tool to both separate and then kill the seals. (I have been told that this tool is called a "gaff") Although usually lethal, occasionally the seals are skinned alive. This, i'm sure, is quite painful and an unpleasant experience. The little, white fuzzy ones don't seem to be moving very fast... maybe they want to be clubbed? I doubt it, but Mother Nature is an odd one.I wish i had one of those pick thingies. They look cool.
This man seems to be enjoying his work. Evidently fishermen with their big boats can't compete with the fuzzy little devils, so they like to see bashed seal skulls. In fact at one point they would pay $0.20 per seal. Sounds like easy money to me.The meat used to be used as did the skins, but now the primary reasons seals are killed are for their penises (used in Chinese aphrodesiacs) and for enjoyment.
How can you not club a face like that?
I don't know... sometimes the idea of clubbing innocent animals to a screaming, bloody death calms me. Sometimes it just makes me hungry. I don't know.
Every year, when the time is "right" (as soon as the ice conditions permit), a small group of caucasian "hunters" find their way to the ice floes and proceed to club, bludgeon, stun, shoot, and dismember thousands of young and adult Harp seals in a brutal manner of which most people can hardly imagine. As many as 45% of the animals are skinned alive and the males are routinely dismembered for their penis bone alone. Moreover, independent observers have noted that as many as 1 out of 3 "targeted" seals slip away wounded into the ice holes and sea leads to be uncounted, unnoted, and unused in any way, shape, or form. Only small amounts of the seal's meat is processed and utilized in any manner. It is rarely eaten by non indigenous peoples for food due to its relatively heavy fatty and oily composition. Small amounts are used for the pet food trade or fur farms, while the rest is simply left to rot on the ice.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Tattoos
Larry got home late one night and his wife, said, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replied, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
" Had'em put a hundred dollar bill on the old frankfurter ," he said proudly."
What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his Dick ?"
"Well......one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
like to play with my money. Three, I like how my money feels in my hand.
And, four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry replied, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
" Had'em put a hundred dollar bill on the old frankfurter ," he said proudly."
What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his Dick ?"
"Well......one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
like to play with my money. Three, I like how my money feels in my hand.
And, four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Flying
A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood, as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came sashaying down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly lovely people, so, if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman, hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."
The woman calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, which means that I out-rank you.
So, tray-up, bitch!!!"
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman, hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."
The woman calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, which means that I out-rank you.
So, tray-up, bitch!!!"
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Breasts
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Going For Gold
A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL.
BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED".
THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD.
A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.
SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.
THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"
THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD, BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH, I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."
SO!!!, THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"
"NO! NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET, AFTER YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."
BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED".
THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD.
A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.
SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.
THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"
THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD, BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH, I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."
SO!!!, THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"
"NO! NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET, AFTER YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Canadian Humor
Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on their International Tourism Website.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: NO? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A: No, We prefer to stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegans. Milk is illegal.
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on their International Tourism Website.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: NO? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A: No, We prefer to stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegans. Milk is illegal.
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Locals
A woman sitting in a restaurant, in upstate New York, suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, so two locals, named Steve and Ernie, turned to help her.
"Kin ya swallow?" asked Steve.
The woman signalled No, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Ernie.
The woman shook her head NO!
With that, Steve walked behind her, lifted her dress, pulled down her underwear, and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her ass. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth, and she began to breathe again.
Steve swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Ernie, dumbfounded, said in admiration "Ya know Steve, I'd heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but thats the first time I ever seen somebody do it"
"Kin ya swallow?" asked Steve.
The woman signalled No, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Ernie.
The woman shook her head NO!
With that, Steve walked behind her, lifted her dress, pulled down her underwear, and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her ass. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth, and she began to breathe again.
Steve swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Ernie, dumbfounded, said in admiration "Ya know Steve, I'd heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but thats the first time I ever seen somebody do it"
The Wife From Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does y our husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"No officer, only when he's been drinking."
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does y our husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"No officer, only when he's been drinking."
Monday, March 13, 2006
Exams
A professor was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.
One smart-ass student asked,“What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter subsided, the professor glared at the student and said,“That's not an excuse. You can just use your other hand to write with.”
One smart-ass student asked,“What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter subsided, the professor glared at the student and said,“That's not an excuse. You can just use your other hand to write with.”
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Are You A Republican Or A Democrat
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist ,with a huge knife, comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt 45 Automatic, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,healthier street, that would discourage such behaviour.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
A Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Reload), BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist ,with a huge knife, comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt 45 Automatic, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,healthier street, that would discourage such behaviour.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
A Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Reload), BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Mike's Birthday
"Hello, is this the Drug Enforcement Agency? "
"Yes. How may we help you? "
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding illegal drugs inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir. Let me take down his address, and we will look into this. "
The next day, drug enforcement officers descended on Mike's farmhouse. They searched the grounds, and found the shed, where a huge pile of firewood was kept. Then, after questioning the owner to no avail, using axes, they split open every piece of wood. After not finding any drugs, they swore at Mike, and he swore at them, and then, finally, exhausted, they gave up and left.
Later that afternoon, the phone rang at Mike's house......."Hey, Mike! Did the cops come to your house?"
"Yeah! "
"Did they chop your firewood? "
" Yep. "
"Happy Birthday, Buddy. "
"Yes. How may we help you? "
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding illegal drugs inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir. Let me take down his address, and we will look into this. "
The next day, drug enforcement officers descended on Mike's farmhouse. They searched the grounds, and found the shed, where a huge pile of firewood was kept. Then, after questioning the owner to no avail, using axes, they split open every piece of wood. After not finding any drugs, they swore at Mike, and he swore at them, and then, finally, exhausted, they gave up and left.
Later that afternoon, the phone rang at Mike's house......."Hey, Mike! Did the cops come to your house?"
"Yeah! "
"Did they chop your firewood? "
" Yep. "
"Happy Birthday, Buddy. "
Old Guys
One day, three old guys were sitting on a bench, talking about life. One was a man, in his sixties, another in his seventies, and the third guy, was in his eighties.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't even have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
Well, I don't get up until 7:00!!
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't even have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
Well, I don't get up until 7:00!!
Monday, March 06, 2006
The Dog Who Snored
Once, there was an elderly couple who had a dog that snored. Constantly annoyed, because she couldn't sleep, the wife went to the vet to see if he could help. The vet told the woman, to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he would stop snoring.
That evening, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog began to snore, as usual. The wife tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Finally, muttering to herself, she went to the closet and grabbed a piece of red ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring! The woman was amazed!
Later that night, her husband returned home, drunk again, from being out with his buddies. He climbed into bed, fell asleep and immediately began to snore loudly. His wife figured, that maybe the ribbon might work on him also. So she returned to the closet again, grabbed a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also worked on him! The happy wife then slept very soundly.
A couple of hours later, the husband woke from his drunken stupor, and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his balls. He was very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shook his head, looked at the dog, grinned, and whispered, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!!
That evening, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog began to snore, as usual. The wife tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Finally, muttering to herself, she went to the closet and grabbed a piece of red ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring! The woman was amazed!
Later that night, her husband returned home, drunk again, from being out with his buddies. He climbed into bed, fell asleep and immediately began to snore loudly. His wife figured, that maybe the ribbon might work on him also. So she returned to the closet again, grabbed a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also worked on him! The happy wife then slept very soundly.
A couple of hours later, the husband woke from his drunken stupor, and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his balls. He was very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shook his head, looked at the dog, grinned, and whispered, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Those Damn Women Drivers
One morning, while driving to work, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror !
She was putting on her eyeliner!!! I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, and still working on her makeup!!!
Shit!! As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked
my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!
She was putting on her eyeliner!!! I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, and still working on her makeup!!!
Shit!! As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked
my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!
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