I don't know if this really happened, but it is interesting.
A lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
She received back the following reply:
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahkmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahkmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded, in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahkmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahkmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion this might offend him.
Ahkmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code, that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahkmed - and remember...We'll be watching. Good luck!
Best wishes to all,
Gary
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Raisin Bread
A bakery owner hired a young female clerk who liked to
wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk,
and then at the loaves of bread, behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof), and the location
of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin
bread please" the man said.
The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the
raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young
man standing, almost directly beneath her, was provided with an
excellent view, just as he figured. As she descended
the ladder he said that he really should get two loaves, as he
was having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly,
he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to
enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the
eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, every guy who came in,
was asking for raisin bread, just to see up her skirt, as she climbed up and down.
After awhile she became tired, and irritated, but said to herself," This bread must be really good."
On the next trip up the ladder, she suddenly stopped, realizing what was going on. She turned and glared
at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Pissed off, and tired
she yelled at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"
"No," stammered the old man, "but it's a-quiverin.'"
wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk,
and then at the loaves of bread, behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof), and the location
of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin
bread please" the man said.
The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the
raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young
man standing, almost directly beneath her, was provided with an
excellent view, just as he figured. As she descended
the ladder he said that he really should get two loaves, as he
was having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly,
he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to
enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the
eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, every guy who came in,
was asking for raisin bread, just to see up her skirt, as she climbed up and down.
After awhile she became tired, and irritated, but said to herself," This bread must be really good."
On the next trip up the ladder, she suddenly stopped, realizing what was going on. She turned and glared
at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Pissed off, and tired
she yelled at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"
"No," stammered the old man, "but it's a-quiverin.'"
Friday, February 24, 2006
GUTS VS BALLS
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys. Being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still up cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late, after a night out with the guys. Smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys. Being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still up cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late, after a night out with the guys. Smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Mice
Three male mice were sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila, arguing about how tough they were.
The first mouse said, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the second mouse.
The second mouse replied, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the third mouse.
The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and began walking away from the bar.
The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse replied, "Home to shag the cat."
The first mouse said, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the second mouse.
The second mouse replied, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slammed down his tequila and looked at the third mouse.
The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and began walking away from the bar.
The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse replied, "Home to shag the cat."
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Anger Management
"When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know."
One day, I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make to my anger management therapist. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Sarah Brown?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number asshole!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Sarah's correct number, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
A few weeks later, I was at my local grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot, when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield. It's a yellow rancher, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
A week later, I came up with a brilliant idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
"Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
"My name is Jimbob Walton."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield, and I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now,Jimbob, And you had better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and then I hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
"Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
"Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
NExt, I called Channel 9 News , and told them of a gang war, about to go down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairield.
Then, I got in my car and sped over to Fairfield.
It was a beautiful scene. The two assholes were beating the crap out of each other, in front of six cop cars, a news helicopter, and a couple of TV news reporters.
After laughing so hard, that I broke into tears, I suddenly realized, that I hadn't felt this good in years.
" I guess Anger management really does work!"
One day, I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make to my anger management therapist. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Sarah Brown?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number asshole!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Sarah's correct number, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
A few weeks later, I was at my local grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot, when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield. It's a yellow rancher, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
A week later, I came up with a brilliant idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
"Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
"My name is Jimbob Walton."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield, and I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now,Jimbob, And you had better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and then I hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
"Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
"Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfield, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
NExt, I called Channel 9 News , and told them of a gang war, about to go down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairield.
Then, I got in my car and sped over to Fairfield.
It was a beautiful scene. The two assholes were beating the crap out of each other, in front of six cop cars, a news helicopter, and a couple of TV news reporters.
After laughing so hard, that I broke into tears, I suddenly realized, that I hadn't felt this good in years.
" I guess Anger management really does work!"
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Fishing
One day, two Polish men rented a boat and went fishing at their favorite lake. They were amazed at the number of fish that they were catching, so one said to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other replied, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then took a can of spray paint, painted an X on the bottom of the boat, and said, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy laughed at him amd said, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
The other replied, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then took a can of spray paint, painted an X on the bottom of the boat, and said, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy laughed at him amd said, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A Tale Of Two Showers
How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket,according to whites and colors.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot soap, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mold spots with cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry off with a towel, the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom, wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her, while making woo-hoo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, and let the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, and crotch, leaving pubic hair stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse, and get out of the shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor.
Admire knob size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, and leave lights and fan on.
Return to bedroom, with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake your knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Throw wet towel on bed.
Head to kitchen.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket,according to whites and colors.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot soap, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mold spots with cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry off with a towel, the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom, wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed, and leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her, while making woo-hoo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, and let the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, and crotch, leaving pubic hair stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse, and get out of the shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor.
Admire knob size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, and leave lights and fan on.
Return to bedroom, with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake your knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Throw wet towel on bed.
Head to kitchen.
Monday, February 13, 2006
CANADIANS
A Somali arrives in Toronto. He is a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.Canadian for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having me to such a beautiful country of Canada! "
The person says "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada.
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not a Canadian.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The Jamaican lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having me to such a beautiful country of Canada! "
The person says "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada.
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not a Canadian.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The Jamaican lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."
Saturday, February 11, 2006
A Disgruntled Muslim Sympathizer
This guy (LOS)decided to leave a comment pertaining to the Muslim article posted a couple of days ago. Because I had already moved on, he didn't get to spew his bullshit for everyone else to read. So I thought I would give him his forum.
Feel free to add your comments.
As for you "LOS", I don't drink coffee. As for calling the rest of us who live in this country, "stupid assholes" , you are a fucking hypocrite, who is enjoying a life of freedom in Colorado, provided by the very people you seem to loathe. The rest of the world sure doesn't call us assholes, when they have a natural or man-made disaster, and are looking to us for money, medical supplies, and food. And as usual, we rise to the occasion.
Why don't YOU get off of your ass, find some more terrorist sympathizers, who feel as you do, buy some airtime on radio and TV, and speak out against the atrocities committed by your fellow Americans. As far as I am concerned, Weasilkiller's article summed things up , very nicely. As for pollution, I will assume that you either ride a bike, or walk everywhere you go, and don't heat your house, using either fossil fuels or wood. Also, I would be willing to bet, that you didn't walk to the library, or internet cafe, to type your comment. Interestingly enough, you sound just like one of those "higher than thou" people you wrote about.
Los said...
There are a lot of moderate Muslims and ordinary people Muslims that don't agree with what the extremist's that use the name "Muslim" to carry out their horrible acts. But the mainstream news doesn't listen to them any more than they listen to the average everyday chistian. People aren't terrorists simply because they are muslim, or arab, or from Sri Lanka, they are generally terorists because they are evil people. There are plenty of terrorist acts here in the US that happen every day. Most are carried out by the large corporations, polluting the air, using up our natural resources and charging us for it and making record profits off of the common person. Think about how we live and how the rest of the world lives and our higher than thou attitudes and our do as I say, not as I do mentality and you really won't wonder to much why the rest of the world thinks we are a land of stupid assholes. It's why they hate us. We have maintained a war of terror on the rest of the world for over 50 years in the name or protecting our way of life and consumption, they are finally starting to fight back with the only means they have... car bombs, ak-47's and bombs strapped to their bodies. Think about that while you sit in your warm house in front of your new Dell computer and drink your fresh cup of coffee.
9:45 AM, February 11, 2006
Feel free to add your comments.
As for you "LOS", I don't drink coffee. As for calling the rest of us who live in this country, "stupid assholes" , you are a fucking hypocrite, who is enjoying a life of freedom in Colorado, provided by the very people you seem to loathe. The rest of the world sure doesn't call us assholes, when they have a natural or man-made disaster, and are looking to us for money, medical supplies, and food. And as usual, we rise to the occasion.
Why don't YOU get off of your ass, find some more terrorist sympathizers, who feel as you do, buy some airtime on radio and TV, and speak out against the atrocities committed by your fellow Americans. As far as I am concerned, Weasilkiller's article summed things up , very nicely. As for pollution, I will assume that you either ride a bike, or walk everywhere you go, and don't heat your house, using either fossil fuels or wood. Also, I would be willing to bet, that you didn't walk to the library, or internet cafe, to type your comment. Interestingly enough, you sound just like one of those "higher than thou" people you wrote about.
Los said...
There are a lot of moderate Muslims and ordinary people Muslims that don't agree with what the extremist's that use the name "Muslim" to carry out their horrible acts. But the mainstream news doesn't listen to them any more than they listen to the average everyday chistian. People aren't terrorists simply because they are muslim, or arab, or from Sri Lanka, they are generally terorists because they are evil people. There are plenty of terrorist acts here in the US that happen every day. Most are carried out by the large corporations, polluting the air, using up our natural resources and charging us for it and making record profits off of the common person. Think about how we live and how the rest of the world lives and our higher than thou attitudes and our do as I say, not as I do mentality and you really won't wonder to much why the rest of the world thinks we are a land of stupid assholes. It's why they hate us. We have maintained a war of terror on the rest of the world for over 50 years in the name or protecting our way of life and consumption, they are finally starting to fight back with the only means they have... car bombs, ak-47's and bombs strapped to their bodies. Think about that while you sit in your warm house in front of your new Dell computer and drink your fresh cup of coffee.
9:45 AM, February 11, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
Golfing
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off, and were enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and exclaimed, "Shit! I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his very next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he missed again. The usual comment followed.
The nun was really mad now and said, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swung and missed again. "Shit, I missed."
At that moment, a terrible rumble was heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning shot out of the sky and struck Sister Mary dead in her tracks.
And from the sky came a booming voice ....... "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his very next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he missed again. The usual comment followed.
The nun was really mad now and said, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swung and missed again. "Shit, I missed."
At that moment, a terrible rumble was heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning shot out of the sky and struck Sister Mary dead in her tracks.
And from the sky came a booming voice ....... "Shit, I missed."
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
OUTRAGED MUSLIMS! Editorial By Wesley Weasilkiller(Guest Post)
Thanks to badgerbob for letting me vent!
We wake up this morning to see video on CNN and BBC showing rampaging Muslims around the world. In Europe, the Middle East, the Pacific Rim, Muslim Mobs are spreading mayhem. It seems that these mighty mad Muslims are rioting and firing their ever-present AK-47s into the air because of cartoons.
Yup ... this latest epidemic of Muslim outrage comes to us because some newspapers in Norway and Denmark published cartoons depicting Mohammed. Muslim outrage huh.
OK ... let's do a little historical review. Just some lowlights:
a.. Muslims fly commercial airliners into buildings in New York City. No Muslim outrage.
b.. Muslim officials block the exit where school girls are trying to escape a burning building because their faces were exposed. No Muslim outrage.
c.. Muslims cut off the heads of three teenaged girls on their way to school in Indonesia. A Christian school. No Muslim outrage.
d.. Muslims murder teachers trying to teach Muslim children in Iraq. No Muslim outrage.
e.. Muslims murder over 80 tourists with car bombs outside cafes and hotels in Egypt. No Muslim outrage.
f.. A Muslim attacks a missionary children's school in India. Kills six. No Muslim outrage.
g.. Muslims slaughter hundreds of children and teachers in Beslan, Russia. Muslims shoot children in the back. No Muslim outrage.
h.. Let's go way back. Muslims kidnap and kill athletes at the Munich Summer Olympics. No Muslim outrage.
i.. Muslims fire rocket-propelled grenades into schools full of children in Israel. No Muslim outrage.
j.. Muslims murder more than 50 commuters in attacks on London subways and busses. Over 700 are injured. No Muslim outrage.
k.. Muslims massacre dozens of innocents at a Passover Seder. No Muslim outrage.
l.. Muslims murder innocent vacationers in Bali. No Muslim outrage.
m.. Muslim newspapers publish anti-Semitic cartoons. No Muslim outrage
n.. Muslims are involved, on one side or the other, in almost every one of the 125+ shooting wars around the world. No Muslim outrage.
o..Muslims beat the charred bodies of Western civilians with their shoes, then hang them from a bridge. No Muslim outrage.
p.. Newspapers in Denmark and Norway publish cartoons depicting Mohammed. MUSLIMS ARE OUTRAGED.
Dead children. Dead tourists. Dead teachers. Dead doctors and nurses. Death, destruction and mayhem around the world at the hands of Muslims .. no Muslim outrage ... but publish a cartoon depicting Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and all hell breaks loose.
Come on, is this really about cartoons? They're rampaging and burning flags. They're looking for Europeans to kidnap. They're threatening innkeepers and generally raising holy Muslim hell not because of any outrage over a cartoon. They're outraged because it is part of the Islamic jihadist culture to be outraged. You don't really need a reason. You just need an excuse. Wandering around, destroying property, murdering children, firing guns into the air and feigning outrage over the slightest perceived insult is to a jihadist what tailgating is to a Steeler's fan. I know and understand that these bloodthirsty murderers do not represent the majority of the world's Muslims.
When, though, do they become outraged? When do they take to the streets to express their outrage at the radicals who are making their religion the object of worldwide hatred and ridicule?
Islamic writer Salman Rushdie wrote of these silent Muslims in a New York Times article three years ago. "As their ancient, deeply civilized culture of love, art and philosophical reflection is hijacked by paranoiacs, racists, liars, male supremacists, tyrants, fanatics and violence junkies, why are they not screaming?"
Indeed. Why not?
We wake up this morning to see video on CNN and BBC showing rampaging Muslims around the world. In Europe, the Middle East, the Pacific Rim, Muslim Mobs are spreading mayhem. It seems that these mighty mad Muslims are rioting and firing their ever-present AK-47s into the air because of cartoons.
Yup ... this latest epidemic of Muslim outrage comes to us because some newspapers in Norway and Denmark published cartoons depicting Mohammed. Muslim outrage huh.
OK ... let's do a little historical review. Just some lowlights:
a.. Muslims fly commercial airliners into buildings in New York City. No Muslim outrage.
b.. Muslim officials block the exit where school girls are trying to escape a burning building because their faces were exposed. No Muslim outrage.
c.. Muslims cut off the heads of three teenaged girls on their way to school in Indonesia. A Christian school. No Muslim outrage.
d.. Muslims murder teachers trying to teach Muslim children in Iraq. No Muslim outrage.
e.. Muslims murder over 80 tourists with car bombs outside cafes and hotels in Egypt. No Muslim outrage.
f.. A Muslim attacks a missionary children's school in India. Kills six. No Muslim outrage.
g.. Muslims slaughter hundreds of children and teachers in Beslan, Russia. Muslims shoot children in the back. No Muslim outrage.
h.. Let's go way back. Muslims kidnap and kill athletes at the Munich Summer Olympics. No Muslim outrage.
i.. Muslims fire rocket-propelled grenades into schools full of children in Israel. No Muslim outrage.
j.. Muslims murder more than 50 commuters in attacks on London subways and busses. Over 700 are injured. No Muslim outrage.
k.. Muslims massacre dozens of innocents at a Passover Seder. No Muslim outrage.
l.. Muslims murder innocent vacationers in Bali. No Muslim outrage.
m.. Muslim newspapers publish anti-Semitic cartoons. No Muslim outrage
n.. Muslims are involved, on one side or the other, in almost every one of the 125+ shooting wars around the world. No Muslim outrage.
o..Muslims beat the charred bodies of Western civilians with their shoes, then hang them from a bridge. No Muslim outrage.
p.. Newspapers in Denmark and Norway publish cartoons depicting Mohammed. MUSLIMS ARE OUTRAGED.
Dead children. Dead tourists. Dead teachers. Dead doctors and nurses. Death, destruction and mayhem around the world at the hands of Muslims .. no Muslim outrage ... but publish a cartoon depicting Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and all hell breaks loose.
Come on, is this really about cartoons? They're rampaging and burning flags. They're looking for Europeans to kidnap. They're threatening innkeepers and generally raising holy Muslim hell not because of any outrage over a cartoon. They're outraged because it is part of the Islamic jihadist culture to be outraged. You don't really need a reason. You just need an excuse. Wandering around, destroying property, murdering children, firing guns into the air and feigning outrage over the slightest perceived insult is to a jihadist what tailgating is to a Steeler's fan. I know and understand that these bloodthirsty murderers do not represent the majority of the world's Muslims.
When, though, do they become outraged? When do they take to the streets to express their outrage at the radicals who are making their religion the object of worldwide hatred and ridicule?
Islamic writer Salman Rushdie wrote of these silent Muslims in a New York Times article three years ago. "As their ancient, deeply civilized culture of love, art and philosophical reflection is hijacked by paranoiacs, racists, liars, male supremacists, tyrants, fanatics and violence junkies, why are they not screaming?"
Indeed. Why not?
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Words Of Wisdom
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"(During an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.)
Brooke Shields
"I've never had major knee surgery, on any other part of my body,"
University of Kentucky Basketball Forward Winston Bennett
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas
Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"(During an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.)
Brooke Shields
"I've never had major knee surgery, on any other part of my body,"
University of Kentucky Basketball Forward Winston Bennett
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas
Saturday, February 04, 2006
The Polish Gunman
A Polish guy came home from work one day, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I'm home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screamed. "You're next!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screamed. "You're next!"
Thursday, February 02, 2006
A Day At The Pound
There was a pit-bull, a Doberman, and a beagle, all locked up in the local dog pound. The pit-bull decided to speak freely and said, "Ya know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Doberman spoke up and said, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me, since that stinkin baby came along, and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor, I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and the Doberman look at the beagle and asked, "What are you in for?"
The beagle replied, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day . When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asked, "So when are you being put to sleep?"
The beagle replied, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just here to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
The Doberman spoke up and said, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me, since that stinkin baby came along, and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor, I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and the Doberman look at the beagle and asked, "What are you in for?"
The beagle replied, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day . When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asked, "So when are you being put to sleep?"
The beagle replied, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just here to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Memories
A guy was waiting in the checkout line at the Super Market one evening, when he looked behind him ,and noticed a very pretty blonde, who raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He was rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and then thought that she looked vaguely familiar. He couldn't place where he might know her from, so he said "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replied "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"
Horrified, he thought back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he said. "Are you that stripper, from my stag night, that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"
"Noooo" she replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
She replied "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"
Horrified, he thought back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he said. "Are you that stripper, from my stag night, that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"
"Noooo" she replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
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