Rooted in pagan traditions, it was actually the Celts who are responsible for this guy's misery. It was the time of year, marking the end of the harvest, and the onset of winter, when the livestock were brought in for slaughter. It was also a fearful time, when the barrier between the worlds of the living and dead were broken, and spirits walked the earth. The Celts held a ritual for this time, and it culminated in a sacred bonfire.
On this day, children would go door-to-door collecting firewood for the sacred bonfire, to provide light against the growing darkness. Some dope was out of firewood, and began passing out candy, which became trick-or-treating. ( you can figure out the trick part yourself) At this bonfire, the younger Celts wore masks, made of animal heads and skins, to frighten off the spirits. The old people just went as themselves.( Ya gotta love old people masks.)At the end of the celebration, families carried home embers from the sacred fire to relight their hearths. They used hollowed out turnips for this, and after the great potato and turnip famine , in Ireland, (Blame the Irish for everything.) switched to pumpkins.
Never one to miss an opportunity, the church got involved and figured out a moneymaking scheme. They designated Nov.1 as All Saints'Day to honor saints and martyrs. Later, because collections were down, Nov.2 was made All Souls Day, to honor the rest of us departed common folk. Any excuse for a mass, to trot out the collection turnip. (Plates were rare in those days, because most celts, had no table manners, and ate with their hands.) Eventually, these days became known as Hallowmass, and the night before became known as All-Hollows-Eve, and later shortened to Halloween, by Asian immigrants who couldn't pronounce it properly.
In the badger community, the teachings of The Great Pumpkin tell us that some of this is merely folklore, but we do incorporate some facets of it, in our celebration.
The badger community celebrates this day by having a large bonfire and throwing a party. At midnight, when the great Pumpkin, who is actually Uncle Ernie in disguise, rises out of the pumpkin patch, the kids are dispatched to leave burning badger turds on doorsteps, and knock over garbage cans.
For the adults, All Hollows Eve,( a hooker from the nearby weasel village), is brought in, and passed around. Any adult male, who does not partake in this ritual , is sentenced to have their nuts roasted on an open fire, during the Christmas celebration. Last year, poor cousin Chet made the critical mistake of refusing.
The following day is spent gathering roadkill for the evening feast and ensuing orgy, which kicks off the Christmas season.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Pumpkins
Late one night, police arrested , a young man caught in a pumpkin patch . He was charged with public indecency, lewd behavior, and public intoxication, and told to appear at the County Courthouse on the following Monday. When he came before the judge, he began to tell his story. He stated that as he was driving by a pumpkin patch, when he thought he saw a pumpkin smiling at him, and decided to stop.
" I got to thinking ,you know, that a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and...well there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he told the judge.
The man went on to say, that he pulled over to the side of the road, found said pumpkin , cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his male urges.
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?", he commented ,with obvious embarrassment.
In the process, he had apparently failed to notice the police car approaching, and was unaware of his audience until the officer approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said the officer ."I walked up to him, and he's...just humping away , at this pumpkin."
The officer went on to describe what happened when he approached the man.
"Well, your honor, I just went up to him and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are fucking a pumpkin?? He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Even the judge couldn't help laughing.
" I got to thinking ,you know, that a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and...well there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he told the judge.
The man went on to say, that he pulled over to the side of the road, found said pumpkin , cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his male urges.
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?", he commented ,with obvious embarrassment.
In the process, he had apparently failed to notice the police car approaching, and was unaware of his audience until the officer approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said the officer ."I walked up to him, and he's...just humping away , at this pumpkin."
The officer went on to describe what happened when he approached the man.
"Well, your honor, I just went up to him and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are fucking a pumpkin?? He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Even the judge couldn't help laughing.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Halloween
One Halloween, an elderly woman opened her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blonde curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an angel. The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and said, "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thought this was just adorable, and called her husband to come to the door. The woman said to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."
Once again the little angel looked up and said, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband said to his wife, " You were right honey, this little angel is just the cutest thing."
The old woman picked an apple from the treat bowl, shined it up with her apron, and dropped it into the little girl's bag. The little angel looked in her bag, then looked up at the woman and said,
"Hey old lady! You just broke my fucking cookies!"
The little girl looks up at the woman and said, "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thought this was just adorable, and called her husband to come to the door. The woman said to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."
Once again the little angel looked up and said, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband said to his wife, " You were right honey, this little angel is just the cutest thing."
The old woman picked an apple from the treat bowl, shined it up with her apron, and dropped it into the little girl's bag. The little angel looked in her bag, then looked up at the woman and said,
"Hey old lady! You just broke my fucking cookies!"
Friday, October 28, 2005
A Night Out
One night, a man was heading out for a couple of drinks at his favorite watering hole. As he was leaving, his wife began the usual routine of complaining about him spending so much of his time in a bar, and never taking her anywhere. Fed up with the whining, he decided to invite her to come along with him. He introduced her to some of the regulars, found a couple of seats at the bar, and asked her “What’ll you have?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I'll have whatever you are having."
So, he ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and tossed his back with one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass, began gasping and sputtering, and immediately spit it out.
“Yuck, that was gross!” she cried. “I don’t know how you guys can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” replied her husband. “And here you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!”
“Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I'll have whatever you are having."
So, he ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and tossed his back with one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass, began gasping and sputtering, and immediately spit it out.
“Yuck, that was gross!” she cried. “I don’t know how you guys can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” replied her husband. “And here you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!”
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Gerbil Felching
WARNING!! NOT FOR EVERYONE!!
Willow's latest post has raised the question of gerbil felching.
Fact or Fiction ?
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
The following is a true account:
A 26-year-old male arrives at the ER complaining of rectal bleeding. He is too embarrassed to provide an accurate history but provides the examing doctor a clue: "There might be something stuck in my rear end." Examination reveals a non-tender abdomen, but a rectal exam shows blood coming from his anus. A speculum exam reveals bloody stool and a dead gerbil. Apparently, through the cardboard tubing from a paper towel roll, the rodent had been forced into his rectum. Once the animal was in, the tube was pulled out.
The idea is that as the gerbil suffocates, it scratches and claws at the lining of the rectum, providing an intense sensation to the patient. The rodent should then have been defecated, but the swelling and bleeding had caused the retention of the animal. The patient required pain medication and antibiotics after the animal was removed, but was then allowed to go home.
Willow's latest post has raised the question of gerbil felching.
Fact or Fiction ?
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
The following is a true account:
A 26-year-old male arrives at the ER complaining of rectal bleeding. He is too embarrassed to provide an accurate history but provides the examing doctor a clue: "There might be something stuck in my rear end." Examination reveals a non-tender abdomen, but a rectal exam shows blood coming from his anus. A speculum exam reveals bloody stool and a dead gerbil. Apparently, through the cardboard tubing from a paper towel roll, the rodent had been forced into his rectum. Once the animal was in, the tube was pulled out.
The idea is that as the gerbil suffocates, it scratches and claws at the lining of the rectum, providing an intense sensation to the patient. The rodent should then have been defecated, but the swelling and bleeding had caused the retention of the animal. The patient required pain medication and antibiotics after the animal was removed, but was then allowed to go home.
Welfare
I cross ocean, poor and broke,
I Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash, right to your door."
Welfare checks,they make you wealthy,
And Free Medical keeps you healthy!
By and by,I got plenty money
Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come, as fast as you can.
They come in turbans and in Ford trucks.
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together.
More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house,and say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."And in the yard, I put a tent.
Send for family, they just trash,
But they too, draw welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby -- it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.
I Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash, right to your door."
Welfare checks,they make you wealthy,
And Free Medical keeps you healthy!
By and by,I got plenty money
Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come, as fast as you can.
They come in turbans and in Ford trucks.
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together.
More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house,and say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."And in the yard, I put a tent.
Send for family, they just trash,
But they too, draw welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby -- it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Southern Men
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through his first semester, he has foolishly wasted all the money his parents gave to him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad. He's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this: They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500. I'll get him into the class. "
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ol' Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he always does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
"The father says, "Son! I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy."
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad. He's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this: They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500. I'll get him into the class. "
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ol' Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he always does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
"The father says, "Son! I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy."
Monday, October 24, 2005
Ahkmed
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he found an Arab doctor who came from the same village. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket, and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he found an Arab doctor who came from the same village. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket, and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
Friday, October 21, 2005
The Love Bunny
A man came home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their separate beds. However, the man was not yet ready to fall asleep. So he called over to his wife, "Please come here my little love bunny, I'm feeling lonely tonight."
So the woman got out of bed and crossed the room to her husband. On the way she tripped on the carpet and fell on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face said, "Oh, did my little love bunny fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
His wife gathered herself up, and climbed into his bed. The two had passionate sex and afterwards the she rolled out. As she was returning to her bed, she once again caught her foot on the carpet and fell flat on her face. The man looked over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and said, "Clumsy bitch."
So the woman got out of bed and crossed the room to her husband. On the way she tripped on the carpet and fell on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face said, "Oh, did my little love bunny fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
His wife gathered herself up, and climbed into his bed. The two had passionate sex and afterwards the she rolled out. As she was returning to her bed, she once again caught her foot on the carpet and fell flat on her face. The man looked over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and said, "Clumsy bitch."
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Testicles
A guy was lying in a hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, and breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady came round the ward with a snack and newspaper cart, and when she got to his room , asked if there was anything she could do for him. The guy looked at her and asked "Please tell me if my testicles are black?"
"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replied.
"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"
Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glanced around , and seeing there were no doctors or nurses around, said "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulled back the bedcovers, lifted his cock out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand told him, "No, they look fine to me".
The guy jerked off his oxygen mask and said "I asked, Are my test results back?"
"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replied.
"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"
Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glanced around , and seeing there were no doctors or nurses around, said "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulled back the bedcovers, lifted his cock out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand told him, "No, they look fine to me".
The guy jerked off his oxygen mask and said "I asked, Are my test results back?"
Monday Night Football
One night, after watching a Monday night football game, an elderly couple retired to their bedroom. After laying in bed for a few minutes, the old man suddenly farted, chuckled, and said, "Seven Points."
His wife rolled over and exclaimed, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
Disgusted by the smell, but not to be outdone,a few minutes later his wife let one go and said - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farted again and said - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
His wife , tried and tried, and finally wife ripped another one and said, "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds passed and she suddenly let out a squeaker and said "Hah! Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressure was on, and the old man was not about to be bested by his wife, so he strained as hard as he could, but to no avail. His wife seeing this effort, snickered, and at that moment, he realized that defeat was totally unacceptable. So he tried again, giving it everything he had, but instead of farting he accidently shit the bed.
His wife looked strangely at him and said, "What the heck just happened?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
The Camel
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, what the camel was for.The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING ME THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sargent shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got on a foot stool and proceeded to have hot sweaty sex with the camel in front of the sargent. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he turned and said to the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The shocked Sargent replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING ME THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sargent shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got on a foot stool and proceeded to have hot sweaty sex with the camel in front of the sargent. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he turned and said to the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The shocked Sargent replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Techies
An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring.The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my pinky finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff, eh?"
They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again,they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology in cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna inserted in my spine. The wonders of German know-how!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese man disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over to peek into the bushes. There they found the Japanese man, squatting with his pants down around his ankles.
"What on earth are you doing?!" asked the American.
The Japanese fellow looked up and without pause, replied"Waiting for a fax"
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Muslim Profiling
After reading an article on Morbid's blog, about a review of a movie that tries to show terrorists in a sympathetic light, and reading his comment section, I felt angry enough and compelled to point out a few things to those people who still believe that muslims are our friends. The muslim motto is "death to the infidels". To those who don't know what an infidel is, it is anyone who is not of that religion.
Scary thought! Morbid's comment section is very interesting.
Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened!!!
Do you remember?
1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Lenno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and40
In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Bill' s problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining two, one crashed into the Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers.Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling.
Do you?
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss. Not too mention normal people, like myself.
But leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because they feel that they are being singled out.
Thanks to the guy who sent me this quiz.
Scary thought! Morbid's comment section is very interesting.
Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened!!!
Do you remember?
1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Lenno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and40
In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Bill' s problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining two, one crashed into the Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers.Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling.
Do you?
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss. Not too mention normal people, like myself.
But leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because they feel that they are being singled out.
Thanks to the guy who sent me this quiz.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Sunday School
Sally was not a very good student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through most of the classes. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
"Tell me, Sally, who created the universe?"
When Sally didn't stir, Frank, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," and Sally fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher again asked Sally, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Sally didn't move. Once again, Frank leaned forward and stuck her in her rear with his pen.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," And Sally fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked a third question. "Sally, what did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?" Once again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen.
This time Sally jumped up and shouted,"IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"
The Teacher fainted.
"Tell me, Sally, who created the universe?"
When Sally didn't stir, Frank, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," and Sally fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher again asked Sally, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Sally didn't move. Once again, Frank leaned forward and stuck her in her rear with his pen.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," And Sally fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked a third question. "Sally, what did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?" Once again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen.
This time Sally jumped up and shouted,"IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"
The Teacher fainted.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Dwarfs
One night, two dwarfs were in a bar drinking, and trying to meet some women. Having no luck, and wanting to get laid, they decided to call up two hookers and have them come to their separate hotel rooms. After they arrived, the first dwarf tried and tried but was unable to get an erection, so he paid his girl, sent her home and decided to call it a night. However, sleep wouldn't come, and this was made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he could hear his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" This went on all night . In the morning, when they met for breakfast, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first dwarf replied, "It was so embarrassing. I tried and tried, but I just couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head, and said "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't climb up on the bed."
The second dwarf shook his head, and said "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't climb up on the bed."
Monday, October 10, 2005
The Honeymoon
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were to spend the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?""I had tolio as a child, " he answered."You mean polio?" she asked."No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose."What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!""As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained."You mean measles?" she asked."No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear."Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Sister Mary
Sister Mary, was out making her rounds one morning, visiting homebound patients, when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was in a hurry to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted a bedpan she was taking to a patient. Ever resourceful she took the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two old men were watching from across the street. One turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm joining her church!!''
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two old men were watching from across the street. One turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm joining her church!!''
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Rats
I had to postpone today's joke due to personal reasons. A group of my fellow rodents who happen to be rats are being unjustly persecuted. As we speak , their homes are being demolished by bulldozers for road building purposes. I first read about this atrocity on Willow's site. Willows's uncaring point of view , made me aware of the need to enlighten people everywhere, to the plight of the rat. I posted this comment on Willow's site, and later decided to post it here.
With the exception of bubonic plague( and blame the fleas for that one), there is no scientific evidence to prove that rats are harmful. THey stay in the dark ,mind their own business, and don't bother anyone, save for smaller defenseless animals, who happen to wander by. Some people even have them as pets. I have shared my den with a few rats during the great potato famine, and if you can stand the smell, they're not half bad. I might add, they were good travel companions on the long voyage to North America.So what if we ate the fruit and the ships crew got scurvy. They would have done the same to us. We try to live a peaceful life, yet you harass us, set traps for us , send your tomcats after us, and shoot at us. Just last week, my cousin, Ernie was stabbed to death by a pitchfork, in the hands of a crazed farmer, for eating a little grain. A pitchfork I say!!There is a story passed down by the beavers and otters that foretells of a great leader who will one day come from a family of martens. One day we will rise up under that great leader, and he shall set us free from the chains of our oppression, and we will take over the world. And his name shall be King.
Marten Robert King.
UNfortunately, this will require a nuclear war to set off this chain of events, but good things come to he who waits
With the exception of bubonic plague( and blame the fleas for that one), there is no scientific evidence to prove that rats are harmful. THey stay in the dark ,mind their own business, and don't bother anyone, save for smaller defenseless animals, who happen to wander by. Some people even have them as pets. I have shared my den with a few rats during the great potato famine, and if you can stand the smell, they're not half bad. I might add, they were good travel companions on the long voyage to North America.So what if we ate the fruit and the ships crew got scurvy. They would have done the same to us. We try to live a peaceful life, yet you harass us, set traps for us , send your tomcats after us, and shoot at us. Just last week, my cousin, Ernie was stabbed to death by a pitchfork, in the hands of a crazed farmer, for eating a little grain. A pitchfork I say!!There is a story passed down by the beavers and otters that foretells of a great leader who will one day come from a family of martens. One day we will rise up under that great leader, and he shall set us free from the chains of our oppression, and we will take over the world. And his name shall be King.
Marten Robert King.
UNfortunately, this will require a nuclear war to set off this chain of events, but good things come to he who waits
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
The Check-up
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Catholic Girls
A train hit a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perished.They were all standing in line to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter. asked the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggled and shyly replied, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter said, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St.Peter asked the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl was a little reluctant but replied, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter said, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there was a lot of commotion in the line. One girl was pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reached the front of the line, St. Peter asked, "Linda! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replied, "If I am going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
St.Peter asked the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl was a little reluctant but replied, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter said, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there was a lot of commotion in the line. One girl was pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reached the front of the line, St. Peter asked, "Linda! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replied, "If I am going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
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