The Consultant

Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge of a country road . Suddenly a shiny new SUV skidded to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in an expensive suit, leather shoes, Ray-Bans , Rolex wristwatch and a silk tie, jumped out and asked the herder "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one of them?"The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said "Okay."
The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagery , opened a database filled with algorithms, then printed a 150 page report on his high-tech mini printer. He turned to the herder and said "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The herder, shaking his head in disgust, said " Damn! You are right. Pick out the one you like."
The young man, smiling triumphantly, took a few minutes to scan the herd, picked out one he liked and put it in the back of his vehicle.As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?"
The young man answered "Sure."
The herder said immediately "You are a consultant."
"Well yes! How did you know?" asked the young man.
"Simple," replied the herder. "First you came here without being invited. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Third, you don't know shit about the sheep business.
Now, may I please have my dog back?"

The Punk

A young punk got on a cross-town bus.He had spiked, multicolored hair that was green, purple, and orange. His clothes were a tattered mixture of leather rags. His legs were bare and he wasn't wearing any shoes. His entire face and body was riddled with piercings, and he wore a pair of earrings that had big, bright feathers hanging from them.
He sat down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glared at him. This went on for about ten miles, and finally the punk got self conscious and barked at the old man.
"What are you looking at you old fart... .didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"Without missing a beat, the old man replied:"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got drunk in Singapore and fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

Satan

A few minutes before services started, the townspeople were sitting in church talking amongst themselves. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, in a frantic effort to get away from him. Everyone left, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew , seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize that I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.
"Yep." was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?
"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Edna

Edna and Jim were inseparable patients in a large mental health facility. One day, as they were strolling past the swimming pool together, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end, rapidly sunk to the bottom and stayed there, motionless.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Medical Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that you displayed sound mindedness.The bad news is, that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
"Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him up there to dry."

Three Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."The woman freed the frog.The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Beaker, do your stuff." Beaker got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

The Alligator

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. For witnessing this spectacle, each of you must buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his genitals in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Funny story

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,and was now somewhere around $60.00.A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the fraud division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?
"Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Didn't you get what I just told you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info is given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure."
After they get the fax: Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death.I don't know what more I can do to settle this situation."
Family Member: "I'd say it's already been settled,but if you figure it out, great! If not, you can just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That would be very helpful ."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "Thats where you normally find dead people!

The Monkey

A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes ; eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?""No, what?""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks."No, what?" replied the man."Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.

The Gorilla

One day, while at home, watching television , a man heard a noise on his roof and rushed out to investigate. He saw a large gorilla tearing the shingles off the roof, promptly called the local zoo, and told them that one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovery unit was on the way and to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, pulled up to the house. An old man got out and proceeded to remove items from the back of the truck. He pulled out a chihuahua , a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled at how this old guy was going to solve the problem of the gorilla, who had by now torn apart half the roof, the guy asked him what the plan was. The old man handed him the .12 gauge shotgun, and explained the plan: 'First I'll climb up on the ladder, then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua will attack his privates .' 'When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself. This will make it easy for me to slip the handcuffs on.' 'Then, I'll lead him to the truck, lock him up, and take him back to the zoo.'
Amazed at this idea, the man asked, "why are you giving me the shotgun?"
'Well... ' explained the old man, 'It's just a precaution, in case things don't go exactly as planned."Seeing the strange look on the homeowners face,the old man explained," In the unlikely event that the gorilla knocks me off the roof, Shoot the chihuahua!"

The Turtles

Three turtles, decided to go on a picnic. The first turtle, named Fred, packed a picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The picnic site was 10 miles away, so the turtles took 10 whole days to get there. By the time they arrived, all three were exhausted. The second turtle, whose name was Ernie, began to unload the picnic basket. He took out the sodas and said to the third turtle, "Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener." ''I didn't bring the bottle opener", Steve said. "I thought you packed it." Naturally, Fred didn't have it, so the turtles were stuck ten miles away from home, without any way to open their sodas. Fred and Steve begged Ernie to go back home and retrieve the opener. Ernie, knowing that the other two would eat everything, by the time he got back, flatly refused.. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Ernie to go. They swore on their great-grand turtles' graves that they wouldn't touch the food. So, Ernie set off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days passed, but no Ernie. Fred and Steve were hungry and puzzled, but a promise was a promise. Another day passed, and still no Ernie. After three more days passed without any sign , Steve started getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he said, with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Fred retorted. "We promised." Five more days passed. Fred realizing that Ernie had probably skipped out, finally gave in. The two turtles weakly lifted the lid, got a sandwich, and opened their mouths to eat. At that instant, Ernie popped out from behind a rock, and said,"I knew I couldn't trust you guys. Just for that, I'm not f*cking going."

The Balloonist

A man was flying in a hot air balloon and realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a young man down below. He lowered the balloon further and shouted; "Excuse me son, can you tell me where I am?" The young man below replied; "Yes sir, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Technical Support," said the balloonist. "I do," replied the young man. "How did you know?"
"Well" said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it is also completely useless."
The young man below replied ; "You must be in management." "I am," said the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", said the young man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to help fix this problem. You're still in the same position you were, before you met me, but now it's my fault."

The Parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

The Interview

A man was injured in a horrible accident, and suffered the amputation of both his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he became very self-conscious .Also, because of the accident, he received a large sum of money through his insurance company. It had always been his dream to own his own business, so he decided to use this windfall, to purchase a small computer firm. Realizing that he had very little business experience , he decided to hire someone to help run the business. From a list of applicants, he picked out three potential candidates to interview.
The first interview was going really well. The applicant seemed very smart. The owner's final question was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The applicant responded, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The owner got upset at this answer and threw the guy out.
The second interview started off even better than the first. This candidate seemed even more qualified, but again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question , "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"The applicant responded, "Yes, you have no ears." The owner was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then came the third and final interview. The third candidate was even better than the second. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man decided once again to ask the question. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you wear contact lenses. Pleasantly surprised, the owner replied, "Wow! how perceptive of you! How could you tell? The guy burst out laughing and said "you can't wear glasses ,if you don't have any ears!"

The Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

The Fartist

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

The Banker

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The account person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The account person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag." The account person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag chock full of green bills with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the account person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?" he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got one hundred thousand dollars right here that says by noon tomorrow, your balls will be square, and I'll even give you four to one odds. You got twenty five thousand dollars you'd be willing to wager on that?" she asks. The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you. There's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shakes the bag, and says, "I know what I'm doing. I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Okay, have it your way," says the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at eleven-fifty-five tomorrow morning," says the little old lady, and with that she leaves. The next morning at 11:55, the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He's gotten almost no sleep last night, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He has checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing. When the little old lady arrives, he starts to relax, knowing he has won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" says the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly understandable," says the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" "Not so fast!" says the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "Okay, you win, here's your hundred grand," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, we had a million dollar bet that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

The Mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."