A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
The guy said "No." and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.
The end.

Back In The Saddle Again !!!

Whew!! It's been a wild and woolly ten day ride. Who would of thought that his friends would get him drunk, pack him in a box, and ship him to Afghanistan for bleeping Christmas. Not fucking me!!! The fact that I was given a flashlight and a couple of snickers bars, doesn't lessen my shock and dismay , not to mention my anger, one little bit.
Packed in a crate, marked as "Earthquake Relief Supplies", was not the way I had expected to spend my Christmas. Left with my ID, and a credit card. I guess my so called drinking buddies, figured I could just walk to the nearest 7-11 in Buttfuck Afganistan,(the locals refer to it as Shahr-i-Buzurg), and call a taxi to take me to the nearest airport. The country has a ratio of a whopping 1.4 cars, for every 1000 people. Thank god for those Canadian relief workers, especially the one who did those funny dances, for no apparent reason. She was either very happy, or a little touched in the head, but that's another story. They managed to get me on a plane back to reality.

Christmas From A Woman's Perspective

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's taking so long, aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

Christmas in New York

Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the woods,
Not a creature was stirring, not even the hoods.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they'd all still be there.
Me an this skank, were getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for a head.

When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!
I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin' fat guy!

With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight, he looked, like Dom DeLouise.
He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.

As he crept off the roof, it became so clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.

I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!
He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn't see blood.

Instead he rolled over, looked at me in the eye.
When I saw who I'd hit, I near started to cry.
I said "Hey 'yo Santa, I'm sorry all right?"
"Not for nuttin" he said, "but this just ain't my night!"

"I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns."
"Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf's got the runs..."
"I'm out all freakin' night, I'm bustin' my hump."
"But I can't finish now, not with this lump!"

"So do me a favor, and be a real pal."
"Take over for me...be Santa, Sal."
I say 'Yo! I'm from Brooklyn, I ain't right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.

He made me a offer, I couldn't refuse.
Stop at every house....and this will you amuse.
I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.

Took off on my mission, didn't want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin' my date.
That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don't believe that...hey, jingle dis!

Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat, and he's old.
I'm his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don't you be surprised.

If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
"Merry Christmas to all, yo!,thanks alot...eh - shutup!"

Jail

Twas the night before Christmas,And all through the cells,
The convicts were locked up, All madder than hell.
Except for the lifers, kicked back in their bunks,
Heads filled with visions, of fat little punks

When suddenly from the roof top, there arose such a roar,
that the bulls thought it was, a riot for sure.
The goon squad ran in, and stood ready to hit.
A big guard yelled out,"Who started this shit".

"It came from the roof top", sniveled a snitch.
It must be a breakout, "Oh, son of a bitch"
They climbed to the rooftop, by way of the stairs.
Found a fat bastard, in red underwear.

"No, No", yelled the dude."I bring you good cheer."
"Damn!", said the Captain. "We found us a queer."
"Alright mother fucker! Get your hands on the wall."
They shook him down good, asshole and all.

They found him a cell, and heaved him in, with a kick.
Well so much for Christmas. They locked up St. Nick

The Night Before Christmas Part1

Twas the night before Christmas old Santa was pissed, He cussd out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, Ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind, To scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night, the elves want more money, And the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is Pregnant, Vixon has AIDS
And just when I thought That things would get better, The IRS, They sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes, If that aint damn funny.. Who ever sends ME any money?

Surprises

One evening, after work, a man stopped by his local bar for a beer. He struck up a conversation with a woman sitting on the stool next to him. The attraction was mutual, which led to dinner, and continued into an invitation for a nightcap. This in turn led to a night long session of lovemaking. The next morning he noticed a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. Panic set in, and he began to get worried.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asked.
"No, silly!," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continued
."No, nothing like that!" she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquired, hopefully.
"No, no, no!!!" she answered.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demanded.
" That's me, before the operation", she replied.

FLORIDA

Florida (Reuters)
Day 2 - Florida Blizzard 2005- Revenge of the Commuters

Chilled Florida commuters faced their second day of winter hell today,as an additional ¼ inch of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower half of the state to its knees, and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops.
Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particle and experts from Minnesota are being flown in.
With temperatures dipping to near zero , Floridians were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out. Miami police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso, or biscotti to see them through Florida's most terrible storm to date.
The local Walmart reported, that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive. Although most have no idea how to use it. Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority
reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25
below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Target.
"The government has to do something," snarled an angry movie star. "I didn't pay $940,000 for my one bedroom condo, so I could sit around and be treated like someone from New York."

The Accident

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident one snowy, cold Monday morning. It was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So!.... You're a man. That's interesting! Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're both ok. This must be a sign from God that we should meet, and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine to celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Rednecks

Mujibar

Mujibar was a foreigner, who was trying to get into America, legally by going through through Immigration. His last hurdle was a meeting with an immigration official.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink And Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I Am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I Pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar passed his test, and now lives in San Francisco, California, and works at the Immigration help desk.

Amber Alert!!!

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a 'date-rape drug' called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form, and is available nearly everywhere!
"Beer" as it is commonly referred to, is used by 'female predators' to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "Beers," and then ask him home for 'no-strings-attached Sex', .... a simple approach that renders most men helpless.
After several "Beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship!" In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage!" Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "Beer" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know! And, if you or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured, .... male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses!

T.G.I.F VS S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back at her and once again said , "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it,duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Air Travel

One day a business man was taking his seat on his company's corporate jet, when he suddenly noticed that there was a parrot strapped in next to him. He was shocked at the site, but shrugged it off. As the plane reached it's cruising altitude, he summoned the flight attendant and asked for a coffee.
As he finished his request, the parrot squawked, “And get me a whisky, you cow!”
The stewardess, was so flustered, that she brought back a whisky for the parrot and forgot the man's coffee. He summoned her again to take his order, and suddenly
the parrot drained its glass and cried “And get me another whisky you bitch!”
Visibly upset, the girl returned, with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such poor service, the man decided to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Get it now, you stupid bitch!”
Suddenly, both he and the parrot were grabbed, dragged to the emergency exit, and thrown from the plane by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turned to the businessman and said…“For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a mouthy bastard

The Phone Call

There were several men sitting around, in the locker room of a private club, after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rang . One of the men picked it up, and said,
“Hello?”
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00.”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much … ”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year … ”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000 … ”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! But before we hang up, something else … ”
“What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and … I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property … ”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000 - a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover … ”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie … Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye … I do too … ”
The man hung up, closed the phone’s flap, and raised his hand and asked the others,
“Hey!… who’s phone is this?”

Flies

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure, one day, when he was stopped by a state trooper.
"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope! I'm not," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

Blonde Deodorant

A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the clerk for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, overhearing this, explained to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and have never heard of such a product. Unfazed, the blonde assured the pharmacist that she had been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," said the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," said the blonde."
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returned with the container and handed it to the pharmacist, who looked at it and said to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatched the container back and read aloud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

The Blind Man

A blind man and his guide dog entered a Bar and found their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yelled to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately became absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, a woman sitting next to him said,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thought for a moment and said,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Dead Hen Walking

The life of a turkey, on the death row block, is a short one, except for the lucky guy, who is granted clemency by the President. For the others, it's a short walk to see the executioner.

Like characters in a Sean Penn movie, they shuffle, from the sunny outdoors, into a long , white, artificially lit building. The door closes behind them, and they wait in line, slowly, moving towards the covered conveyor belt. This belt carries them to a platform, where two men, dressed in the their finest plastic aprons , grab the turkeys by their legs, and hang them from their feet, on another conveyance, hanging from the ceiling. Oh the indignity!
Some turkeys struggle, and flap their wings, while others quietly whimper and pee all over themselves.

Now upside down, frightened and disoriented, they are slid down the line to meet the somber fellow in the the yellow plastic apron. He is the Beast , whom the turkeys refer to as Olaf The Terrible. As they near, they hear that horrible whine of the electric knife, and smell the stench of fear, and know that death is imminent. The last sound a turkey hears, is the cheery tune Olaf is whistling, as he unceremoniously slits their throat with his knife.

As if this horrific death is not enough of an indignity, for a once proud living creature to suffer, he is then dispatched behind a black curtain, and emerges on the other side from a 180-degree steam bath, that essentially scalds off his feathers. Next, his feet are horribly mutilated to leave behind only a set of drumsticks.

After this, things begin to move fast. The gizzard and liver are ripped from his still warm body, bagged and stuck back inside, in the hopes of flavoring someone's gravy.
The rest of his innards are callously vacuumed out, and then another knife wielding worker waits to cut off any remaining feathers.

Slain in their prime, they are then weighed, and put on ice to await the cannibals who will dine on their flesh.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you enjoyed your turkey! I know I did!

Turkey Guts

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of breaking wind every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell would cause her eyes to water, as she would choke and gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to seek help. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor , but he wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was a natural bodily function, and then would laugh , as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
One Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, she went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, an idea occurred , as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs. Her husband was a very deep sleeper, and while he was still sound asleep, she pulled back the covers and gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs. Because she had warmed them, he didn't even stir.
About two hours, later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud morning farts. This was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom.

She couldn't control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After all these years, she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underwear, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

The Table

He laid her on the table.
So white, so clean and bare.
His forehead, wet, with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck, and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet, and all was set.
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands, stretched his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep... I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white, but I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a snack became infatuation. So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground. I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees... Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please

Badgerbob's Surefire Method For Raising Delinquents

1. As an infant, begin to give him everything he wants. This will help him grow to believe that the world owes him a living.
2. When he begins to lie and swear, laugh and encourage him.
3. Never tell him that he is wrong. This could lead to developing a guilt complex, and later when he's up on felony charges, make him feel that society is persecuting him.
4. Pick up everything he leaves lying around. This will help condition him to expect others, including future wives, to continue doing this.
5. Let him read and watch anything he wants . A healthy mind is such a waste.
6. Quarrel frequently and throw blame around. This will help him to later deal with married life, and the ensuing divorce.
7. Make sure he never has to earn his own money, and see that his every whim is taken care of. Denial and responsibility could lead to frustration, and prozac.
8. Take his side in all disputes. This way he can play the prejudice card later in life.
9. When he gets into serious trouble, never blame him, and always apologize for yourself. Afterall, he is your child!
10. Sit back and enjoy your l'il monster.

Think You've Had A bad Day?

The Woods Of Arkansas

While hiking through the woods one day, a tourist came upon a man, who was hugging a tree, with his ear pressed firmly against it.
He asked, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of this tree. It's a local custom."
"You've gotta be kidding me", said the tourist.
The local replied, "No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, this is really stupid, but..., okay .." So he wrapped his arms around the tree, and pressed his ear up against it. Immediately, the local slapped a set of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, his jewelry and his car keys. Then stripped him naked, and sauntered away.
Two hours later, another man strolled by, saw the tourist handcuffed to the tree and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
The tourist told the story of how he had been taken advantage of, by the local. While he recounted his tale, the newcomer shook his head in sympathy. When the tourist finished talking, the man walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,
"This just isn't your day, is it, Sugar!"

The Man From Alabama

A visiting professor, at the University of Alabama, was giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked. "How many people here, believe in ghosts?"
Approximately ninety of the students raised their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About forty students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm glad you are taking this seriously. Has anyone here ever spoken to a ghost?"
Fifteen students raised their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
To this ,three students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one one last question ... Have any of you, ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raised his hand.
The professor was astonished. He took off his glasses, took a step back, and said, "Son,in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Alabama student replied, "It's quite common in our part of the state" and began to make his way up to the podium.
The professor said, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."
The student replied, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goat!'"

Hump Day Poems From the Heartless Badger

I have been challenged by this person,(freak) who is like a sharp thorn in my paw, to declare this week as poetry week, and only post poems. I hate fucking poetry! If there is no explicit sex, violence, or witty dialogue in the first stanza, it's off to the bonfire for a small flare-up and a marshmallow. I received this challenge today, which to say the least, is a little strange, because, Hello! It's already midweek. I guess the tree calendar week is a little different than ours.
Anyhow, in the spirit of Hump Day, and in the interest of being a good sport, which in all honesty, I could give a hoot about , I have decided to go along with this strange request.
So I present to you, three short poems.

I had a small pain in my head.
I went to my doctor, with dread.
He gave me a pill, then sent me his bill.
I would have been better off dead

One time at my job, where I strip
My pants shrunk, and wouldn't unzip
When the hot-blooded throng, yelled to ogle my thong
I fended them off, with my whip.

There once was a badger named Bob, who's balls were so blue they would throb, then along came a blogger, who said, "Hey, it's no bother", and relieved him, by rubbing his knob

Democrats

The other day, I was travelling between San Francisco & L.A. when a tire blew out on my scooter. I had no spare, so my only option was to flag down a passing motorist, and hopefully, get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man, driving a minivan. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yep, I surely do," I replied.
"You a Democrat, or a Republican?" asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell! ," yelled the old man as he sped off.
An hour or so passed, and finally another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
"Republican or Democrat?"
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican!"
The driver gave me the finger, and drove off.
It was getting hot, and after thinking it over, I decided that maybe I should change my
strategy. This area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be lots of Democrats on the road that day.
After what seemed like hours, a car finally skidded to a stop. It was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively at me, and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat?
Realizing, that I had entered into some kind of bizzaro world, I shouted," Democrat!"
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, with the wind blowing through her hair, her perfect breasts, and a
short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore!" I shouted. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes, and already, I want to screw somebody!"

Elephants

A man hobbled into the emergency room one night. He was in such pain, that he couldn't even sit down.
The doctor asked "What’s the problem ? You seem to be in a lot of pain".
The man replied." I have something wrong, but, I am embarrassed to show you."
The doctor explained that in all his years, he had seen just about everything possible, and at this point, nothing could shock him. So the man proceeded to drop his trousers and bend over.
The doctor gasped, and said "What on earth happened to you?!! You have a massive hole in your bottom".
The man explained that he had just been on holiday in Africa.
"I was raped by a male elephant" said the man.
The doctor shook his head , and said, " You don't expect me to believe that, do you? If it were true, you wouldn’t be as damaged as that, because the penis on a male elephant isn’t that large."
To this ,the man replied, "Yes I know that doc, but he fingered me first."

Farmers

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, tried to drive through it, and ended up getting stuck. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble, and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of that mudhole today.”
The husband looked around at the fields incredulously, and asked the farmer,”When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”
“No,” the young farmer replied , “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

Golf

A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked what happened.
"Well," said the man, "I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something lodged in its rear end. I walked over and lifted her tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it—stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I was lifting the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey honey, this looks like yours!
"And then ?" said the doctor.
"Well doc, I don't remember much after that"!

The Genie

Harold and Bob were in a bar, having a few beers, when Harold pulled out a cigar.
He searched for a light, to no avail, and then asked Bob for one.
“Here you are,” Bob replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said Harold, “where did you get that monster.”
“You mean my 10" lighter? Well,.. .I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” Harold asked.
“Sure Harold! He’s right here, in my pocket.”
“Could I see him?”
Bob reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small genie.
Harold stared at the genie, and then said, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me a wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said, so Harold asked him for a million bucks ,and then the genie, hoped back into Bob's pocket.
Harold stood there, waiting for his million bucks.
After about ten minutes, a duck waddled into the bar, followed by another, and then another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar was filled with ducks.
Finally, Harold said “What's going on here? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
Bob replied, "Gosh Harold! I forgot to tell you. The genie is hard of hearing.
Did ya really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”

Salesmen

A man walked into the bar, at a hotel, that was hosting a convention , for personal hygiene salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his colleagues, and was immediately harrassed by another salesman.
“Hey Bob! You son-of-a-bitch! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucked! Nobody could ever make a living there, before you. You've won the all-expense-paid trip toVegas, three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else! How in the hell do you do it?”
Bob replied, “Its easy! I take a big, fancy bowl and fill it up with fresh dogshit. Next, I garnish it carefully with parsley , celerystalks, chives, olives and red peppers . Then, I take it to the airport, and set it on a big fancy table, with an embroidered, white tablecloth.
I offer a sample, on a cracker, to everybody who walks by. As soon as someone takes a bite, they usually say ‘Jesus Christ! !This stuff tastes like SHIT!!’
Then I say ‘Yes sir! You guessed it! Would you care to buy a toothbrush? "

Girls Night Out

Two friends got together for their monthly, ' girl's night out' . Both were faithful and loving wives, in stable marriages. They hit the town hard, danced away most of the night, and finished up at their neighborhood bar. In the process, they had become a little drunk, and were unable to drive themselves home. After turning down numerous offers for a ride, from the many inebriated males in the joint, they decided to walk home.
On the way home, the urge to pee became so overwhelming, that they were forced to stop in the nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, the first lady decided to use her panties. Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She looked around, and spotted a grave having a wreath, with a ribbon on it, squatted over it, and proceeded to wipe with the ribbon. After the girls finished peeing, they laughed about it ,while stumbling the rest of the way home.
The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned, because his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over. He phoned the other husband and said "These damn 'girl's night outs' have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. Last night, my wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing! ", said the other husband, "Mine came home, with a card stuck between the crack of her butt , that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Has Anyone Seen My Uncle Ernie?

These creatures, known as THE LIZZIES, are said to be part human and part reptile. They are said not to exist in time as we know it, and exist mostly in other dimensions where they are said to live for thousands of years. We should know something about the lizzies because they are reportedly soon going to re-enter our dimension in order to try to continue to control us.
There is a large body of religious literature not in the Bible that deals with the period before the great flood. Most of these works have been hidden and/or an attempt was made to destroy them, or they have been selectively excluded from the Bible or otherwise suppressed. This is part of the giant cover-up, part of the duping of humankind. These creator gods certainly did not want humankind to know of the true story of human "creation" (that we were created to be slaves and dupes) and the true nature of our creator gods, the lizzies.
The primary "earth data" we have to verify the existence of the Lizzies is that they have been seen several times, usually by modern-day abductees. In a majority of abductee cases they are not seen at all, but they are sometimes observed standing aside and simply observing what is happening. The relationship between the reptilians and the grey species is usually not known to the abductees. It is clear that most of the greys "work" for the lizzies, or are themsleves slaves of the lizzies. The lizzies apparently left the grey species or specie in in charge of the Earth when most of them left the earth several thousand years ago.
There is a story of a "cow abduction" case in Missouri where a lizzie was sighted. A married couple watched the apparent cow abduction from the porch of their farm through binoculars. While two, small, white-skinned, large-headed beings worked with the cow, a few feet away a "lizard-guy" watched the proceedings. The human couple described the "lizard-guy" as a humanoid creature that stood about six feet tall, had greenish, scaly skin like a reptile, and had large pale green eyes with vetically slit pupils.
In another case, a rancher was working with his cattle on his ranch in New Mexico, when suddenly his herd spooked and scattered. He looked up an saw the reason his cows had become frightened - a UFO craft was hovering over him. His first reaction was one of anger at this craft for having scattered his cattle, and he fired two shots with a thirty-thirty rifle he carried. His horse then threw him and he was dazed. The next thing this rancher knew he was taken into the craft, pushed onto an examining table and undressed. He was given a very rough examination by five reptilian-like beings, three males and two females. He described these creature as having"...humanoid bodies with the exception of scaly fish features and tails like reptiles. They wore few clothes. The female sexual parts were similar to Homo sapiens. Their legs and arms were somewhat lizard-like. Their features resembled frogs, yet human like at the same time. The eyes were large, protuberant. They had three fingers and three toes.
Sometimes human encounters with a lizzie have been more pleasant. Denise and Bert Twigs, in their book Secret Vows, claim to have an ongoing relationship with a couple that claims to be from the Andromeda constellation. Both claim to have conceived several half-alien, half human children, both in their home in Oregon and on the space craft on which the Andrameda couple are not residing.

Somali Man

A Somali Man arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the UnitedStates. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."

Cowboys

A cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served those folks?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning."
The cowboy, thought for a moment, and said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation ! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and then returned that evening. The waiter brought his dish, bowed, and said, "Enjoy Senor". The cowboy looked around, to make sure that no one was watching, and turned his attention to his meal . He inspected the contents of his platter, and after eating the first testicle, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Terrorists

The Spirit Of Halloween

Rooted in pagan traditions, it was actually the Celts who are responsible for this guy's misery. It was the time of year, marking the end of the harvest, and the onset of winter, when the livestock were brought in for slaughter. It was also a fearful time, when the barrier between the worlds of the living and dead were broken, and spirits walked the earth. The Celts held a ritual for this time, and it culminated in a sacred bonfire.
On this day, children would go door-to-door collecting firewood for the sacred bonfire, to provide light against the growing darkness. Some dope was out of firewood, and began passing out candy, which became trick-or-treating. ( you can figure out the trick part yourself) At this bonfire, the younger Celts wore masks, made of animal heads and skins, to frighten off the spirits. The old people just went as themselves.( Ya gotta love old people masks.)At the end of the celebration, families carried home embers from the sacred fire to relight their hearths. They used hollowed out turnips for this, and after the great potato and turnip famine , in Ireland, (Blame the Irish for everything.) switched to pumpkins.
Never one to miss an opportunity, the church got involved and figured out a moneymaking scheme. They designated Nov.1 as All Saints'Day to honor saints and martyrs. Later, because collections were down, Nov.2 was made All Souls Day, to honor the rest of us departed common folk. Any excuse for a mass, to trot out the collection turnip. (Plates were rare in those days, because most celts, had no table manners, and ate with their hands.) Eventually, these days became known as Hallowmass, and the night before became known as All-Hollows-Eve, and later shortened to Halloween, by Asian immigrants who couldn't pronounce it properly.
In the badger community, the teachings of The Great Pumpkin tell us that some of this is merely folklore, but we do incorporate some facets of it, in our celebration.
The badger community celebrates this day by having a large bonfire and throwing a party. At midnight, when the great Pumpkin, who is actually Uncle Ernie in disguise, rises out of the pumpkin patch, the kids are dispatched to leave burning badger turds on doorsteps, and knock over garbage cans.
For the adults, All Hollows Eve,( a hooker from the nearby weasel village), is brought in, and passed around. Any adult male, who does not partake in this ritual , is sentenced to have their nuts roasted on an open fire, during the Christmas celebration. Last year, poor cousin Chet made the critical mistake of refusing.
The following day is spent gathering roadkill for the evening feast and ensuing orgy, which kicks off the Christmas season.

Pumpkins

Late one night, police arrested , a young man caught in a pumpkin patch . He was charged with public indecency, lewd behavior, and public intoxication, and told to appear at the County Courthouse on the following Monday. When he came before the judge, he began to tell his story. He stated that as he was driving by a pumpkin patch, when he thought he saw a pumpkin smiling at him, and decided to stop.
" I got to thinking ,you know, that a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and...well there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he told the judge.
The man went on to say, that he pulled over to the side of the road, found said pumpkin , cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his male urges.
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?", he commented ,with obvious embarrassment.
In the process, he had apparently failed to notice the police car approaching, and was unaware of his audience until the officer approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said the officer ."I walked up to him, and he's...just humping away , at this pumpkin."
The officer went on to describe what happened when he approached the man.
"Well, your honor, I just went up to him and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are fucking a pumpkin?? He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Even the judge couldn't help laughing.

Halloween

One Halloween, an elderly woman opened her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blonde curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an angel. The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and said, "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thought this was just adorable, and called her husband to come to the door. The woman said to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."
Once again the little angel looked up and said, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband said to his wife, " You were right honey, this little angel is just the cutest thing."
The old woman picked an apple from the treat bowl, shined it up with her apron, and dropped it into the little girl's bag. The little angel looked in her bag, then looked up at the woman and said,
"Hey old lady! You just broke my fucking cookies!"

A Night Out

One night, a man was heading out for a couple of drinks at his favorite watering hole. As he was leaving, his wife began the usual routine of complaining about him spending so much of his time in a bar, and never taking her anywhere. Fed up with the whining, he decided to invite her to come along with him. He introduced her to some of the regulars, found a couple of seats at the bar, and asked her “What’ll you have?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I'll have whatever you are having."
So, he ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and tossed his back with one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass, began gasping and sputtering, and immediately spit it out.
“Yuck, that was gross!” she cried. “I don’t know how you guys can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” replied her husband. “And here you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!”

Gerbil Felching

WARNING!! NOT FOR EVERYONE!!

Willow's latest post has raised the question of gerbil felching.
Fact or Fiction ?

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


The following is a true account:
A 26-year-old male arrives at the ER complaining of rectal bleeding. He is too embarrassed to provide an accurate history but provides the examing doctor a clue: "There might be something stuck in my rear end." Examination reveals a non-tender abdomen, but a rectal exam shows blood coming from his anus. A speculum exam reveals bloody stool and a dead gerbil. Apparently, through the cardboard tubing from a paper towel roll, the rodent had been forced into his rectum. Once the animal was in, the tube was pulled out.
The idea is that as the gerbil suffocates, it scratches and claws at the lining of the rectum, providing an intense sensation to the patient. The rodent should then have been defecated, but the swelling and bleeding had caused the retention of the animal. The patient required pain medication and antibiotics after the animal was removed, but was then allowed to go home.

Welfare

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
I Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash, right to your door."
Welfare checks,they make you wealthy,
And Free Medical keeps you healthy!

By and by,I got plenty money
Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come, as fast as you can.

They come in turbans and in Ford trucks.
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together.
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house,and say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."And in the yard, I put a tent.

Send for family, they just trash,
But they too, draw welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.

We have hobby -- it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.

Southern Men

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through his first semester, he has foolishly wasted all the money his parents gave to him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad. He's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this: They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500. I'll get him into the class. "
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ol' Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he always does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
"The father says, "Son! I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy."

Ahkmed

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he found an Arab doctor who came from the same village. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket, and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."

The Love Bunny

A man came home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their separate beds. However, the man was not yet ready to fall asleep. So he called over to his wife, "Please come here my little love bunny, I'm feeling lonely tonight."
So the woman got out of bed and crossed the room to her husband. On the way she tripped on the carpet and fell on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face said, "Oh, did my little love bunny fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
His wife gathered herself up, and climbed into his bed. The two had passionate sex and afterwards the she rolled out. As she was returning to her bed, she once again caught her foot on the carpet and fell flat on her face. The man looked over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and said, "Clumsy bitch."

Testicles

A guy was lying in a hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, and breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady came round the ward with a snack and newspaper cart, and when she got to his room , asked if there was anything she could do for him. The guy looked at her and asked "Please tell me if my testicles are black?"
"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replied.
"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"
Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glanced around , and seeing there were no doctors or nurses around, said "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulled back the bedcovers, lifted his cock out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand told him, "No, they look fine to me".
The guy jerked off his oxygen mask and said "I asked, Are my test results back?"

Monday Night Football

One night, after watching a Monday night football game, an elderly couple retired to their bedroom. After laying in bed for a few minutes, the old man suddenly farted, chuckled, and said, "Seven Points."
His wife rolled over and exclaimed, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
Disgusted by the smell, but not to be outdone,a few minutes later his wife let one go and said - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farted again and said - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
His wife , tried and tried, and finally wife ripped another one and said, "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds passed and she suddenly let out a squeaker and said "Hah! Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressure was on, and the old man was not about to be bested by his wife, so he strained as hard as he could, but to no avail. His wife seeing this effort, snickered, and at that moment, he realized that defeat was totally unacceptable. So he tried again, giving it everything he had, but instead of farting he accidently shit the bed.
His wife looked strangely at him and said, "What the heck just happened?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

The Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, what the camel was for.The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING ME THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sargent shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got on a foot stool and proceeded to have hot sweaty sex with the camel in front of the sargent. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he turned and said to the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The shocked Sargent replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Techies

An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring.The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my pinky finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff, eh?"
They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again,they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology in cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna inserted in my spine. The wonders of German know-how!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese man disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over to peek into the bushes. There they found the Japanese man, squatting with his pants down around his ankles.
"What on earth are you doing?!" asked the American.
The Japanese fellow looked up and without pause, replied"Waiting for a fax"

Muslim Profiling

After reading an article on Morbid's blog, about a review of a movie that tries to show terrorists in a sympathetic light, and reading his comment section, I felt angry enough and compelled to point out a few things to those people who still believe that muslims are our friends. The muslim motto is "death to the infidels". To those who don't know what an infidel is, it is anyone who is not of that religion.
Scary thought! Morbid's comment section is very interesting.

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened!!!
Do you remember?
1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Lenno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and40

In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Bill' s problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining two, one crashed into the Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers.Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling.
Do you?
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss. Not too mention normal people, like myself.
But leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because they feel that they are being singled out.

Thanks to the guy who sent me this quiz.

Sunday School

Sally was not a very good student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through most of the classes. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
"Tell me, Sally, who created the universe?"
When Sally didn't stir, Frank, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," and Sally fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher again asked Sally, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Sally didn't move. Once again, Frank leaned forward and stuck her in her rear with his pen.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," And Sally fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked a third question. "Sally, what did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?" Once again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen.
This time Sally jumped up and shouted,"IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"
The Teacher fainted.

Dwarfs

One night, two dwarfs were in a bar drinking, and trying to meet some women. Having no luck, and wanting to get laid, they decided to call up two hookers and have them come to their separate hotel rooms. After they arrived, the first dwarf tried and tried but was unable to get an erection, so he paid his girl, sent her home and decided to call it a night. However, sleep wouldn't come, and this was made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he could hear his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" This went on all night . In the morning, when they met for breakfast, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first dwarf replied, "It was so embarrassing. I tried and tried, but I just couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head, and said "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't climb up on the bed."

The Honeymoon

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were to spend the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?""I had tolio as a child, " he answered."You mean polio?" she asked."No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose."What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!""As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained."You mean measles?" she asked."No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear."Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"

Sister Mary

Sister Mary, was out making her rounds one morning, visiting homebound patients, when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was in a hurry to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted a bedpan she was taking to a patient. Ever resourceful she took the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two old men were watching from across the street. One turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm joining her church!!''

Rats

I had to postpone today's joke due to personal reasons. A group of my fellow rodents who happen to be rats are being unjustly persecuted. As we speak , their homes are being demolished by bulldozers for road building purposes. I first read about this atrocity on Willow's site. Willows's uncaring point of view , made me aware of the need to enlighten people everywhere, to the plight of the rat. I posted this comment on Willow's site, and later decided to post it here.
With the exception of bubonic plague( and blame the fleas for that one), there is no scientific evidence to prove that rats are harmful. THey stay in the dark ,mind their own business, and don't bother anyone, save for smaller defenseless animals, who happen to wander by. Some people even have them as pets. I have shared my den with a few rats during the great potato famine, and if you can stand the smell, they're not half bad. I might add, they were good travel companions on the long voyage to North America.So what if we ate the fruit and the ships crew got scurvy. They would have done the same to us. We try to live a peaceful life, yet you harass us, set traps for us , send your tomcats after us, and shoot at us. Just last week, my cousin, Ernie was stabbed to death by a pitchfork, in the hands of a crazed farmer, for eating a little grain. A pitchfork I say!!There is a story passed down by the beavers and otters that foretells of a great leader who will one day come from a family of martens. One day we will rise up under that great leader, and he shall set us free from the chains of our oppression, and we will take over the world. And his name shall be King.
Marten Robert King.
UNfortunately, this will require a nuclear war to set off this chain of events, but good things come to he who waits

The Check-up

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Catholic Girls

A train hit a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perished.They were all standing in line to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter. asked the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggled and shyly replied, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter said, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St.Peter asked the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl was a little reluctant but replied, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter said, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there was a lot of commotion in the line. One girl was pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reached the front of the line, St. Peter asked, "Linda! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replied, "If I am going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

Sexual Hangups

As the weekend is almost upon us, I think today would be a good day for us to focus on overcoming sexual hangups, so that all can enjoy the coming weekend without any inhibitions. When I become president, I promise to abolish sexual hangups and promote a free love society.

The Day After Hump Day

It's time for the lurkers to come into the light and ask Bob! Marriage Counselling, dating advice, christmas shopping, sexual hangups, whatever. Bring it on! Questions regarding leprosy will be directed to Willow's site. Disclaimer-I take no responsibility for anything I say or do, because I believe that it would hurt my credibility, for someday becoming your President.

Wacky Wednesday

Today is hump day, so lets get the questions rolling.

Dr. Bob

DR.BOB is in the house. Keep the questions coming.

Advice

Due to the overwhelming volume of e-mail, since last weekend,(Okay,One person. But it's a start!), the sneaky badger has decided to put his worldly lack of knowledge about women to good use. This week will be spent offering relationship advice to any who ask? Jokes will resume next week, unless I am horribly mutilated by someone who seeks me out, due to bad advice. As per usual, except when I am working, I take no responsibility for anything I say or do.

The New pet

A lady was in a pet shop one day, when she spotted a parrot, and fell in love with it immediately. She went to the shop owner and told him that she'd like to buy the bird. He said he would sell it to her, but he warned her that the bird had been raised up, from a chick, by a woman in a brothel, and had picked up some foul language. The woman said that she had to have the bird, and her kids were old enough to tolerate any bad language. So she purchased the bird and took it home and put it in the family room. When she took the cover off of the cage, the parrot gave a squawk, and said," Wow, how about this! A new brothel and a new madame!"
" I'm not a madame, and this is not a brothel!" the woman exclaimed, but she laughed to herself.
A couple of hours later, her two daughters arrived home. While they were checking out their new pet, he squawked again.
" Wow, how about this! A new brothel, a new madame, and two new whores!"
The girls were shocked, but at the same time, they thought a talking parrot was very cool.
Later that evening, the woman's husband came home. As he walked through the door, the parrot recognized him immediately, and said,"Wow, how about this! A new brothel, a new madame, two new whores, and the same old customer. How ya doin Tony?

The Little Guy

A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking,and minding his own business when all of a sudden a great big guy came in and --WHACK!! -- knocked him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''
The little guy said ''What the fuck,'' but when he turned and saw how big the guy was, he decided to let it go. So he got back up on his stool and started drinking again.
All of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocked him down AGAIN and said, ''That was a judo chop from Japan.''
The little guy thought to himself," I've had had enough of this". He got up, brushed himself off and quietly left. He returned about an hour later, and saw that the big guy was still there.. Without saying a word, he walked up behind the big guy and --Whack!!!-- nailed him in the back of the head. The big guy hit the floor like a ton of bricks!!!
The little guy looked at the bartender and said, ''When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.''

Athletes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he walked up to the gate and said, "Johnson, pole vaulting," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer throw." He was also admitted.
The Irishman searched the site for over an hour and, was about ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

The Actor

An out of work actor got a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" said the agent.
"That's great, what is it?"
"Well it's a one line role in a play."
"That's great" replied the actor, "I've been out of work for so long, that I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"Hark !I hear the cannons roar" .
"Hark! I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questioned.
"Yes", confirmed the agent.
"When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" .Wednesday comes and the actor arrived at the audition. He marched onto the stage and shouted, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" said the director, "you've got the job, be here at 6 o'clock on Saturday night".The actor was so happy that he headed straight to his favorite bar and went on a major bender. He drank for two days and finally collapsed.
He woke up at 5:30 on Saturday , and in a panic, took off to the theatre, continuously repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar. He arrived at the stage entrance, out of breath, and was stopped by the security guard.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked.
"I'm here to perform in the play."
"You're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So he ran to make up, repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar.
"Who the hell are you" asked the makeup girl."The play has already started"
"I'm here to perform in the play"
"You're late, sit down here." She applied the makeup and gave him his costume. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he raced down to the stage, continually repeating his line; "Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar."
The stage manager was pacing back and forth, and when he saw the actor, he yelled,"Where the fuck have you been? Get out there! Your cue is coming any second now."
The actor rushed onstage, and BANG! A loud explosion went off right behind him.
Caught off guard, he turned and screamed, "HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!!!"

Thanksgiving

One day a little boy was sitting at home waiting for Grandma and Grandpa to arrive for Thanksgiving. He decided to go see what his mom was doing . As he walked into the kitchen , his mom yelled“Fuck!”
“Mommy what does that mean?”
Mom , who was having a stressful day, could only think to say …”Umm it mean carving the turkey”
“Oh okay” said the little boy and he left. He decided see what his dad was doing so he went upstairs to the bathroom and as just as he walked in, his dad yelled “shit”
“Daddy .. what does that mean?”
Dad, caught off guard, said, “Umm … it means shaving cream”
“Okay” said the boy . That wasn't very interesting, so he decided to go see what his brother was doing. He walked into the bedroom where his brother was watching TV and heard him say “Oh yeah baby! Tits and Ass!”
"Hey! What does that mean?”
“Uh oh! It means,umm .. coats and hats”
The boy said,“okay, see ya”. He was heading back downstairs, when he heard his sister's voice. When he walked into her room, she was on the phone . Not noticing that her little brother was there, she said,“that asshole and his bitch!”
Surprising her, he asked“Who are you talking about?”
Annoyed, and not thinking he would understand, she replied,“umm grandma and grandpa”
Suddenly, the door bell rang … it was probably grandma and grandpa.
Thelittle boy raced down the stairs, excited to see them. He flung open the door and said:
“Hi Asshole and Bitch! May I take your tits and ass? Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey, and dad is in the bathroom smearing shit all over his face!”

The Deer Hunter

An outdoorsman decided to take his wife with him on a hunting trip. He chose a guest ranch in the country, and they set off on their adventure. The next morning, they were taken by a guide to their designated hunting area. After they got to their deer stands, the husband explained to his wife the etiquette of deer hunting .
"If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever claims it."
The wife nodded, and he set off to his stand ,about two hundred yards away. About twenty minutes passed, and he began to wonder if she was okay. Suddenly he heard his wife blasting away from her tree stand. He counted one...two...three,shots and thought to himself, 'this is great, she got a deer". A moment later he heard someone shouting and swearing and rushed over to see what was wrong. He crashed through the bushes and as he broke into the clearing, he found her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who had his hands up, and was shouting, "OK, lady, OK! Stop shooting! You can have the deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

The Stop Sign

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was being pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head,and said, "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man began to get belligerent, and said, "Stop!slow down! -- what's the difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "here, let me can show you. I'm going to start beating you over the head, with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

The Nun

One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticed that she was quite well built, and began asking her about her life and vows, and finally got around to asking her if she would ever consider having sex. After she had thought about it for a while the nun replied, in a husky voice "Well, yes! I would have sex with a man, if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday."
The cab driver thought for a moment and said, "I have to confess. I am that guy. I have no kids, have never been married and I go to church every Sunday!"
She asked him about this , and he told her that he just hadn't met the right person yet. Then, he looked at her, smiled, and said ,"until now."
He decided to go for it, and asked her if she would have sex with him. She agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So he pulled over, climbed into the back, and had sex with her.
After the deed was done, the cab driver said " I have a confession to make. I lied. I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And he began to laugh.
The nun started laughing also, took off a latex mask, saw the horrified look on the cabbie's face, and said,"fuck you! Asshole.Ha ha ha. I lied also.
I'm a man going to a costume party!"

Adam and Eve

God was just about done creating Adam and Eve, and had two things left in his bag. He couldn't quite decide on who should get what, so he decided to ask them about it. He told them one of the things he had left was a thing-a-ma-bob, that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give it to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited schoolboy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it . So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started peeing everywhere. First he peed on the side of a rock. Then he spelled his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -- laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement, and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the other thing I have left. "
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God

Willow's Words

Over the past few months, I have constantly harassed the muppets who leave comments on Willow's site. Willow calls it badgering???
Willow is unable to post today, due to her duties at the leper colony, and has given me an ultimatum to either write something for that site, or face the consequences. Anyone interested in reading this can check it out by clicking on the link in the links area.
Jokes will resume tomorrow.

Shit

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You
don't know Shit".
Now, You can handle the situation.

Awe Shit,who owned a fertilizer company , married O. Shit, the owner of
Knee-deep Shit, Inc.
They had a son named Jack.
In turn, Jack Shit married Noe Shit and they produced 6 children: Holie Shit, Fulla Shit, Giva Shit, Bull Shit ,who became a high shcool dropout, and a set of twins named, Deep Shit and Dip Shit. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Shit-Sherlock.
Dip Shit married Loda Shit and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Shit.
Fulla Shit and Giva Shit were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The Shit-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
BullShit, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from France with his new bride, Pisa Shit.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Shit, you can say,
"Sure I do"

The Cab Driver

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hunting Season

STATE OF NEW YORK - ATTORNEY SEASONS AND BAG LIMITS

1. Any person with a valid State Of New York hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. Season is open 365 days per year.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, RABIES, and VERMIN.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder- 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor- 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator- 4
Big-mouthed Pub Gut- 2
Honest Attorney- 0 (FACING EXTINCTION)
Cut-throat- 2
Back-stabbing Whiner- 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser- 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender- no limit plus a $100 bounty for each one.

Bats

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.He told them to go away and let him sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that really large oak tree over there?" he asked
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Grapes

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"The bartender, puzzled, said no.The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

Sheep

A lawyer from New York moved to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several days , he realized that he hadn't seen any women. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.""That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer couldn't stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest ewe of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took her to bed.After he finished, he decided to take his new love out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the ewe under his arm.
The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrates. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along.
I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy.
"That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

The Consultant

Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge of a country road . Suddenly a shiny new SUV skidded to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in an expensive suit, leather shoes, Ray-Bans , Rolex wristwatch and a silk tie, jumped out and asked the herder "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one of them?"The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said "Okay."
The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagery , opened a database filled with algorithms, then printed a 150 page report on his high-tech mini printer. He turned to the herder and said "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The herder, shaking his head in disgust, said " Damn! You are right. Pick out the one you like."
The young man, smiling triumphantly, took a few minutes to scan the herd, picked out one he liked and put it in the back of his vehicle.As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?"
The young man answered "Sure."
The herder said immediately "You are a consultant."
"Well yes! How did you know?" asked the young man.
"Simple," replied the herder. "First you came here without being invited. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Third, you don't know shit about the sheep business.
Now, may I please have my dog back?"

The Punk

A young punk got on a cross-town bus.He had spiked, multicolored hair that was green, purple, and orange. His clothes were a tattered mixture of leather rags. His legs were bare and he wasn't wearing any shoes. His entire face and body was riddled with piercings, and he wore a pair of earrings that had big, bright feathers hanging from them.
He sat down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glared at him. This went on for about ten miles, and finally the punk got self conscious and barked at the old man.
"What are you looking at you old fart... .didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"Without missing a beat, the old man replied:"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got drunk in Singapore and fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."