A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.'
Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've have found real love with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with The other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, Your son, Joshua.
P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report, that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
MAL-LARKY
THE LARK PROGRAM
A Lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received back the following reply:
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held atGuantanamoBay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
your letter. Although Ahmed is a psychopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep
those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views all females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka --
over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs". Wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck!
A Lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received back the following reply:
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held atGuantanamoBay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
your letter. Although Ahmed is a psychopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep
those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views all females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka --
over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs". Wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Row Row Row Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said:'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
'The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only t en years and I'll give you back the other ten?
'So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.
'The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?
'And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under th e sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.
'The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?
'And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.
'But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the tenthe dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?
''Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
'The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only t en years and I'll give you back the other ten?
'So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.
'The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?
'And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under th e sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.
'The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?
'And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.
'But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the tenthe dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?
''Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Monday, December 31, 2007
A Schitty Post
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced theSchitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced theSchitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Fishing With Grandpa
One day, Little Johnny and his grandfather had gone fishing. After a while grandpa got thirsty and opened up his cooler for a beer.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa can I have a beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa grunted back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough!" Grandpa then took out a cigarette and lit up. Little Johnny saw this and asked for one too."
Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" growled grandpa .
"No"
"Well, than your still not big enough"
Little Johnny got upset and pulled out some cookies, that his grandma had packed him.
His grandfather noticed this and said, "Hey kid, those cookies look pretty good. Can I have one?" Little Johnny replied, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looked at Johnny and laughed. "Well of course I can. I'm big enough."
Little Johnny shouted, "Well, then go fuck yourself! These are my cookies"
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa can I have a beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa grunted back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough!" Grandpa then took out a cigarette and lit up. Little Johnny saw this and asked for one too."
Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" growled grandpa .
"No"
"Well, than your still not big enough"
Little Johnny got upset and pulled out some cookies, that his grandma had packed him.
His grandfather noticed this and said, "Hey kid, those cookies look pretty good. Can I have one?" Little Johnny replied, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looked at Johnny and laughed. "Well of course I can. I'm big enough."
Little Johnny shouted, "Well, then go fuck yourself! These are my cookies"
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
A Stinking Holiday
DES MOINES, Iowa - It was a stinky holiday for Robert Schoff.
The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.
"It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," Schoff said Tuesday. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had.
Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog,(big turd) but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.
The 5-foot-5-inch, 135-pound Schoff hollered and screamed for help, but it was an hour before his wife, Toni, walked by a window and saw his feet in the air.
"I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out," Toni Schoff said.
She called 911 and two Polk County sheriff's deputies yanked her husband out of the tank.
"I thought it was the end of my life," Schoff said. "Thank God my wife saw me. I don't think I could have stood staying in there much more."
The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.
"It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," Schoff said Tuesday. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had.
Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog,(big turd) but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.
The 5-foot-5-inch, 135-pound Schoff hollered and screamed for help, but it was an hour before his wife, Toni, walked by a window and saw his feet in the air.
"I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out," Toni Schoff said.
She called 911 and two Polk County sheriff's deputies yanked her husband out of the tank.
"I thought it was the end of my life," Schoff said. "Thank God my wife saw me. I don't think I could have stood staying in there much more."
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